Going to the Dentist

Going to the dentist is usually not on anyone's top ten list of fun things to do. I'm not sure why, but it probably has something to do with having your mouth wrenched open so wide you could swallow a basketball, being forced to choke on your own saliva, and getting stabbed repeatedly with sharp objects. Other than that, it's not so bad.

Because going to the dentist is such a traumatizing experience, I often hold off until it is absolutely necessary. And when my teeth are the color and consistency of baked beans, I know 'necessary' is right around the corner. Before I cave in and make an appointment, however, I first go through the five stages of dying teeth, beginning with denial: "You guys aren't that rotten. I kind of like your deep, earthy tones. I don't need to eat foods that are tough to chew, like apples, bread, and pudding." Next is anger: "Just go die and leave me all alone then! Who told you to eat all of that sugar?! You aren't even mine, you were adopted!" After that, it's bargaining: "I'll give you a lollipop if you stop rotting." Then depression: "Oh maybe I'll just die too then." And last, acceptance: "OK you win. I'll go to the dentist, right after I finish this lollipop."

Since I made an appointment and am now in the waiting room, all I can do is nervously pace back and forth, wipe down my sweaty palms, and attempt to jump out the window when they call my name. Once they finally do summon me, I'll take a deep breath and try to pretend I'm all calm, cool, and collected by doing the electric slide into the dentist's office.

After I'm sitting in the operating chair, I'll start rattling off all sorts of friendly banter to try and help conceal my nerves. "It's a nice day today. I wear a size nine shoe. Want to see me jump out the window?" With any luck, he'll realize how anxious I am and have the common courtesy to shoot me in the neck with a tranquilizer dart.

As the dentist hovers above me with horrifying tools like drills, needles, and dental floss, I'll do everything in my power to hold still and stop crying. It's not easy, especially after he stuffs his entire fist in my mouth, but I have to try.

The procedure usually goes quite well once we get to the part where I choke on my own saliva and pass out. Now it's just sit back, relax, and let the dentist do his thing. And, since I'm unconscious, I no longer have to worry about stuff like anxiety, pain, or breathing. It's just how a dentist appointment should be.

When it's all said and done, I'll come to and realize all of my teeth were pulled. I'll look up at the dentist with tears in my eyes and exclaim, "My beans are gone!" With any luck he'll feel bad and give me a lollipop before I leave.

Getting a Haircut

Haircuts are so expensive these days. Last weekend they practically charged me two bucks just for walking through the front door. Then, to make matters worse, I didn't leave a tip. So it looks like everyone got screwed.

Due to the price, the next time I get a haircut I'm going to wear a big Afro wig and have them cut that first, just so I feel like I'm getting my monies worth. After they're finished with the wig, I'll take it off and say, "Surprise!", and tell them they can cut my real hair now. Then, as their trimming, I'll start giving instructions that are really difficult to follow like, "Don't cut every 19th strand. Could you stop staring at my head? Every time a piece of hair hits the floor, I want you to yell, "There she blows!"

Once they've finished with the cutting, I'll request they style the hair on both sides of my head into bull horns and shape the top into a seahorse. While they're working on these sculptures I'll make sure to continue giving instructions like, "Take care to make both horns the same size. Make sure the seahorse appears thoughtful, yet happy." All I have to do is keep this up and my hair cut will be worth every penny, which is perfect because that's what I plan on paying with.

When my appointment is finally finished, I'll walk up to the cashier and place a bag full of pennies on the counter. She'll probably look at me like, "You can't be serious." But I'll look right back at her like, "I have a seahorse on top of my head." It doesn't get much more serious than that.

Seeing how expensive everything is becoming, the only thing we as consumers can do is make sure companies have to really work for our business. So the next time you're out paying for a haircut or a massage, don't just accept whatever they want to give. Instead, tell them you'd like an inverted rainbow mohawk, or feel little, baby panda feet on your back. Only then will we be getting the full value of our money.

Patience

Patience is important, but don't forget about all the other traits. There was this one guy who decided he'd go through life using only patience as a characteristic. When a rabid woodchuck started gnawing on his leg he figured he'd just wait it out. But then the woodchuck ate his entire body. I hope that shows why you need other traits too.

There are also people without any patience, and that isn't good either. They're the type of person who gets angry if they even think they might have to wait. I know one guy who was so sick of waiting for a mug he dropped to hit the floor that he killed his pet poodle. Many people will think that's very sad, but it was an old mug. That doesn't mean it won't ever happen to a new one though.

Though having too much or not enough patience is dangerous, perhaps the most risky situation is having patience, but using it wrong. If you're at Seaworld and get so angry waiting for a dolphin to jump out of the water that you throw your kid at it, that's bad. But it's equally bad if you take your time saving him because you want to make sure it's a really good rescue, and then he drowns. Now, because you didn't know how to use patience, you'll never get to see the dolphins jump or have all of your kids.

I think these scenarios show why it's important to have a variety of characteristics. I'm just glad I was able to write it down like this before anyone loses a brand new mug.

The Boxing Match

When I enter a boxing competition, I enter to win. That means doing anything necessary to gain the upper hand while keeping it as clean as possible.

Before any match begins, I like to do a little last minute training in the locker room. This is key because it enables me to go over my ducking and falling down skills one more time. Now I can be sure I'm more prepared than any of my opponents who just focused more on the punching and blocking part. If they get knocked down they'll have no idea how to handle it due to this lack of training. Being the best at something means preparing for it from every angle.

Once I've got myself all warmed up and ready to go, it's time to enter the ring. Upon getting into my corner I'll usually see my opponent from across the canvas giving me the death stare. This is for intimidation purposes and I need to give it right back. While I'm staring I'll ask my coach to give me a couple of good jabs to the stomach and face for extra intimidation. As my coach is whaling away on me I'll eventually fall down. This is good because it will horrify my opponent as he sees that not only am I good at getting punched, but I can fall down good too. Looking at my huddled, bloody body on the floor, he'll immediately realize that he hasn't properly trained and will probably want to forfeit.

If my intimidation tactics don't scare my opponent off, then I can look forward to doing battle. Once the bell rings the crowd will go wild and then it's just me and Mr. Half Trained going toe to toe. Since I know getting punched and falling down are probably his two main weaknesses, I know exactly where to focus my efforts. My opponent, on the other hand, has no clue what my weaknesses are. He has already seen that I can get punched and fall down, so what's left?

As we meet in the center of the ring I can tell he's nervous by the way he punches me repeatedly. As he's doing his thing he eventually lands an uppercut square on my chin, just as I had planned, sending me to the canvas. Now I have him right where I want him. He just played into all of my strengths leaving him wide open for a counter attack. As I spring up from the floor with the grace of a gazelle, I just start swinging wildly in every direction. I would direct all of my punches toward my opponent but it's hard when you're dizzy and have blurred vision. Eventually I'll start hitting what I assume is my nemesis and go absolutely wild with a flurry of combinations. Left, right, jab, jab, uppercut. Repeat. Repeat. This guy is terrible at falling down, just as I suspected, but he sure can take a punch.

Once my vision slowly returns I realize I wasn't quite hitting my opponent, but more the ring post. As I turn around to face the enemy I'll see him across the ring laughing because he's so happy it wasn't him I was hitting. I point at him with my glove as if to say, "Now it's your turn", as I run full speed toward him while keeping my arm and glove outstretched in front of me. Once I reach him I'll try to ram my glove into his face. After that I'll keep my fist in his face so he doesn't have an opportunity to do or see anything. As I chase him around the ring, keeping my glove in his face, he'll eventually get so annoyed that he'll just swat it away and wallop me with a left hook. This is where all my falling down skills come in handy once again.

Lying on the canvas, I'll decide that instead of getting up, I'll just go to sleep. For whatever reason I'm finding it nearly impossible to keep my eyes open, and since I'm already lying down I might as well take a nap.

When I wake up I'll realize that I lost the the match. Apparently sleeping isn't allowed during the competition. My opponent got lucky. Next time I'll try to stay awake for the entire fight, which can be hard when you're unconscious.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire

Question #1: What is your favorite color?

Question #2: If you had to say the alphabet backwards, could you?

Question #3: How much does one pound weigh in pounds?

Question #4: What do you call the elected leader of the USA?

Question #5: How many squares are on a checker board?

Question #6: What country has the most Shetland Sheep Dogs?

Question #7: How far is Neptune from Earth, in inches?

Question #8: Who was the third ruler of India's son's best friend?

Question #9: Where's Waldo?

Question #10: Is there extraterrestrial life?

Question #11: If train A leaves from New York at 3:15 going 40 MPH, and train B leaves from LA at 9:15 going 55 MPH, when does train C leave?

Question #12: Imagine there is a down pillow sitting in front of you. How many feathers does it have?

Question #13: True or false, how hot is the sun?

Question #14: What is the answer to question #15?

Question #15: If I asked you a question, what would it be?

Question #16: If I'm one thing, and your another thing, which one am I?

Question #17: When looking at a trapezoid, where x=a and b=c, how many little triangles could you fit inside of it?

Question #18: If 9 is 3 and y is w, where is the seventh one?

Question #19: If Mars could talk, what would it say?

Question #20: If Mars couldn't talk, what wouldn't it say, and how would we know it's not saying that?

Question #21: Wrong.

Going Hunting

If you've ever lived in the countryside, went on vacation in the wild, or have seen a tree, you've probably wondered what it takes to be a skilled hunter. Questions like, "How do I find an animal? How will I know when I see one? Are animals even real?" are bound to arise. And although none of these questions are easy to answer, it doesn't mean I shouldn't try.

Whenever going on a hunting trip it's important to use the buddy system. The wilderness is a big place and there probably won't be any road signs. Having a friend who can help navigate could be the difference between getting lost and dying, and having fun and living.

Once I've picked the perfect hunting buddy, preferably someone with a compass, first aid kit, and ham sandwiches, it's time to grab our rifles and go deep into the woods. For those of you that have never been on a hunt, it's very similar to a game of hide and seek. Except in hide and seek the loser knows they lost because they got seen, and in hunting, the loser knows they lost because they're dead. Other than that they're the same.

As we scour the wilderness searching for the fabled 'animal', I usually find myself so anxious to find one that I start shooting at anything that moves. This can be a tiresome way to hunt, especially if it's a windy day, but one of these moving things could eventually be an animal. And sure, maybe only 1% of moving things actually turn out to be animals, but you can't kill 100% of the moving things that you don't shoot.

Sooner or later, as I frantically fire away at branches, streams, and my hunting buddy's feet, we'll come upon a clearing. Getting across this clearing without being seen by the hiding animals can be a tricky process, but not if I camouflage myself with local vegetation. The best way to outsmart the wilderness is to make it think you're a part of it. And since I'm covered in mud, twigs, and a ham sandwich, I fit right in.

Making our way to the other side of the clearing we re-enter the woods and continue our hunt. Then, at that moment, I see my hunting buddy training his rifle on something in the distance. At times like these there's nothing I can do but just let my partner concentrate on taking the shot while I blend into the wilderness as best I can. To do this blending I get down on all fours and pretend to be an elephant. As I roam around using my left arm as a trunk I'll just let out a bunch of convincing trumpet sounds. These decoy efforts ought to throw the deer off of any suspicions it may have about my buddy. It'll take one look at us and think everything is fine.

More often than not the deer will turn and run before we get any shots off. I'm not sure why. My elephant impression is second to none. The only explanation I can come up with is that maybe elephants eat deer. Whatever the reason, we usually leave the hunt empty handed. But that's not to say we didn't enjoy ourselves. Half the fun of hunting is just being in the wild, shooting at everything.

Performing a Seance

If there's one thing about us humans that will never change, it's our desire to speak to dead people. We all want to know what they're up to, how they're doing, and if they have any advice to give us living folk. The only problem with this desire to speak to the dead is the fact that dead people can't speak, because they're dead. This is where performing a seance comes in. A seance is basically any event in which people pay lots of money to watch someone else pretend to talk to ghosts. The key for the person performing the seance, however, is to make it look as real as possible. It is this point that I want to address, because let's face it, I want to open a seance business, and so do you.

In order for my seance business to be successful I need to convince people that I'm a better medium for summoning spirits than the next guy. This is why I would hang a sign in front of my shop that says, "I'm a better medium for summoning spirits than the next guy. All the dead people said so." Now there's no debating who's better because you can't argue with dead people.

Once I have clients coming into my shop on a regular basis, it's time to hone my seance skills. My customers are expecting some serious spirit talk so I have to fake it as best as possible. To accomplish this I would first instruct everyone to come sit around the table with me so I can start my seance chant. During the chant I have to be sure to say strange and mysterious things that no one quite understands like, "Boo Dee Dow Jones Blah Dee Da Dee Da." As I continue this chant I'll begin pulling on fishing line that I have secretly tied to different items around the room. People will take one look at all the objects mysteriously moving on their own and start to get really excited. Then, just as the seance is about to reach its climax, I'll lock the door and light the room on fire. This is necessary because it creates that cool smokey effect. As the room begins to get a nice blaze going I'll just laugh at everyone as they start to get all panicky. Here they were thinking they wanted to talk to dead people but now they can't handle it. A few minutes later, as everyone begins gasping for air in a last ditch attempt to have fun, I'll ask if they want to continue or end a little early. They will almost always choose to end early which is good because I never know how to finish a seance.

Once we're outside of the room the customers will almost always say things like, "We want our money back!" But that's when I'll tell them it's not my fault they're afraid of dead people. It's funny how you can think you want something, but as soon as someone pretends to give it to you, all of a sudden you're too scared to want it anymore. I guess we all learned a little something.

Eating Out

I love eating out. Enjoying food that someone else made and then not having to clean up afterwords is a wonderful feeling. There can also be pitfalls, though. If you're sitting at a diner, excited about your meal but then it turns out to not be very good, you feel extremely let down. That's why I have found that it's best not to have high expectations. Then, if the food is bad, so what. I already figured it would be and I can feel good knowing I was right. But if it's delicious, it's a pleasant surprise.

Since it's so important to assume that the food is going to be terrible, when the waiter comes over to take my order I like to say things like, "I bet your mashed potatoes are made with lard and dog poop, huh?" Now they know I'm really gearing up to enjoy my meal.

When my food finally arrives I can all but guarantee I'm going to like it. Rarely do any foods actually taste like dog poop, which is what I have myself expecting. But, I also have to make sure I don't let on that I'm satisfied with it either. Otherwise, the waiter will automatically think he has a big tip in the bag and start slacking on his services. This is why I have to spit most of my meal out on the floor. Now whether I'm liking it or not is up in the air and the waiter will still feel like he has to work for his tip.

After I have most of my food chewed up and on the floor, it's time to order some dessert. I wasn't able to eat most of my meal so I'm still quite hungry. When the waiter comes over I'll ask for a hot fudge sundae with whip cream and a cherry on top. Then, to make sure he knows I'm not expecting to like it, when he brings it to me I'll just politely smush it in his face. He'll probably really start to worry about his tip at this point. On one hand, I did order a lot of food, but on the other, most of it is on his face or the floor. This worrying will ensure I end my diner experience with great service.

Now that I have finished with the meal and dessert, I just have to sit and watch the waiter clear the table. This part is very important because he knows it's his last chance to make a good impression. Not only that, but now it's my job to make sure his expectations of a big tip aren't too high. If I let him think he's going to be getting this huge tip and then it doesn't meet what he was anticipating, he'll be sad. But if it's more than he thought, he'll be quite pleased. So, to make sure he assumes the tip won't be very good I'll just tell him I plan on mugging him in the parking lot after his shift is over. This should give him the inkling that I'm probably not a very good tipper.

Once everything is said and done and I get the check I have to be sure not to leave him anything extra. This guy thinks I'm going to mug him later. If I leave him a tip it will clash with my mugger profile and he'll wonder what in the world my deal is. If there's one thing waiters hate more than a bad tipper, it's confusion. Furthermore, now that he really believes I'm going to attack him in the parking lot he'll be overwhelmed with joy when I probably don't. Except I'm going to. Only instead of tackling him to the ground and stealing his money, I'm going to taser him and stuff a dollar bill into his pocket. Now he gets the best of both worlds. He isn't confused as to why I didn't attack him when I promised I would, and he gets a tip. I'm basically every waiters dream customer and he'll probably be absolutely ecstatic to see me when I come back for dinner in an hour.

Making the Sale

If you're in any kind of sales profession, being able to sell is probably one of the most important aspects of your job. You need to take an object, any object, and force the customer into believing they need it. If they came into an electronics store thinking, "I could use a couple of D batteries," I have to make sure they leave thinking, "Yes, I probably would have died without this programmable bionic android." A large part of being a good salesman is the ability to scare people into buying robots.

Before I can convince someone to buy a robot, however, I first have to make sure I'm dressed appropriately. I need to look like a person who knows what they're talking about. That's why I wear four or more ties around my neck, and one around my forehead. Now I look like a real professional who takes their job seriously.

Once I am able to convince people that I'm serious, it's time to practice my sales pitch. To make sure I'm ready to deal with real customers, I usually try selling a product to myself first. If I can't even persuade myself to buy it, then how will I persuade anyone else? This can take quite some time, but after a few tries and a little coaxing, I would almost always buy anything I'm selling.

After I have my sales pitch down, I have to lure customers into my store. So I simply hang a sign above the front door that says, "Buy 1 get 5 free!" This is sure to get attention. But, since I can't really afford that kind of sale, when people come in I'll just tell them it's more of a "Buy 1 and you can buy 5 more" deal.

Once I've honed my advertising tactics, it's time to sell as many products as possible by pushing add-ons. If they're buying a television remote, for instance, I can tell them it won't work without batteries. If they're buying an extension cord, I can tell them it won't work without a washing machine. And if they're buying a washing machine, I can tell them it won't work without a certified-authentic Eli Whitney Cotton Gin.

So there you have it, how I make a sale. And sure, every now and then someone will come in asking why I told them they needed a home entertainment system to operate their mouse pad, but I just tell them it's none of their business. Then I convince them to buy a robot.

Being a Teacher

Having a classroom full of elementary students can be intimidating. As a teacher, I have all of these little people staring at me like I'm going to say something important, even though I hadn't planned on it. This is scary, but I can't let it stop me from giving these kids what they deserve; a quality education.

In order to create the best learning environment, I need to set the classroom up in a way that everyone will feel comfortable with, especially me, the teacher. If I'm not comfortable then I won't be able to instruct correctly. This is why I have my students turn their desks and face the back of the classroom. Now I can feel better knowing no one is staring at me. Public speaking is everyone's number one fear, but it's much more manageable if no one is actually looking at you.

Not only do I feel more comfortable if the students are facing the back wall, but now they have the opportunity to broaden their horizons. Anyone can learn when they're looking directly at an instructor, so where's the challenge? I need to create a situation in which the student is forced to rely less on vision, and more on instinct. Once they are able to feel what I am demonstrating, as opposed to seeing, I'll know I'm doing my job. It's just like in those martial arts movies where the trainer blindfolds his pupil in order to make them more in touch with their body. Then, because of this, they're able to karate chop a board with their hand or something. I'm doing the same thing, except instead of karate chopping a board with their hand, my students are karate chopping math problems with their brain. In a lot of ways, it's just as impressive.

Once I have my classroom set up in the most learning conducive manner, it's time to teach. What most people don't realize is that teaching is an art form. That's why I paint all of my lessons on construction paper. Why tell my students about something when I can show them? If I need to teach about the Civil War, for instance, I know a few squiggles strategically placed on red paper will symbolize it better than words ever could. The students will take one look at my masterful rendering and, because of my fine detail, know everything they need to know about the war.

Through my paintings, I'll be able to teach my students a full years worth of material in one day. I just smile when I think about how pleased all the parents must be with my hands on learning techniques. Just the other day I had a mother call me at my home telling me I have her daughter thinking the dinosaurs are just a bunch of big, green blobs on brown paper. I just laughed and said, "Don't worry, my teaching techniques have failed with every other group of students in the past, but I have a much better feeling about this one."

I have to admit, sometimes I'll come to a topic that I find quite difficult to paint. That's when I turn to interpretive dance instead. Nothing describes Benjamin Franklin better than a couple of smooth moves executed at precise timing and rhythm. But, since my backward facing students aren't able to actually see me dancing, they'll have to use their intuition. This is where their minds will really begin to perform that mental karate chop.

At the end of the school year, when my students have failed every test that was administered, I can feel good knowing that I've set many of them up to be dancers. That's what being a teacher is all about, giving students the ammunition they need to flunk out of school in order to pursue their artistic dreams.

An Interview with the Terminator

Q: What would you say was your favorite movie role of all time?
A: Any one where I have the highest probability of terminating.

Q: Who inspired you when you were young?
A: No one. I inspired them.

Q: What's your favorite color?
A: Blood.

Q: Underneath your hard exterior, is there a softer side?
A: No. There's a metal endoskeleton.

Q: What's your idea of a good time?
A: Going to the beach and terminating everyone. Then, going to the movies and doing some more terminating. And finally, calculating the probability of successfully terminating all suspects who might wish to terminate my terminations...and then terminating them.

Q: Who's your favorite actor?
A: The eighteen wheeler in Joy Ride.

Q: Any idea where you'll be in 5 years?
A: Negative. The future is not set.

Q: If you could do it all over again, would you?
A: 35 years from now, I will.

Q: What is your blood type?
A: Negative.

Q: How much can you bench press?
A: All of it.

Q: Any pet peeves?
A: When people don't give me their clothes, their boots, and their motorcycle.

Q: Do you have any advice that you'd like to give today's youth?
A: Don't be John Connor.

Q: Have you ever had any second thoughts about your career path?
A: No. Only first thoughts about terminating.

Q: Have you ever been in love?
A: Negative. That is not a mission objective.

Q: Any regrets?
A: I cannot self-terminate.

Competition Gone Wild

Humans are an interesting species. We walk on two feet, cover our bodies with decorated pieces of cloth, and are terrified of dirt. There certainly isn't any other animal out there quite like us, and that's probably a very good thing. Not that we don't have our strong points, we just have so many more neurotic ones that it drowns out any detectable sanity we have left.

To really drive this point home, I want to look at one of the more bizarre traits we humans possess; our competitive mind set. At first glance, competition seems like a completely natural and even necessary function for living organisms. It's the whole survival of the fittest idea. And although that's all well and good, we homo sapiens have taken competition to a whole new level. Let's take sports for instance. There are a huge number of athletes and sports fans in the world, all of whom have the same goal in mind; winning. Why is it so important to us? No one knows. We humans have just decided that if you're better at catching a ball or beating everyone in a foot race, you deserve a special prize. Are you actually helping anyone? No. Have you just made the world a better place? No. Did you accomplish anything at all that's going to matter to anything in any way? No. Should you still get rewarded for it? Of course! You can roll a ball down a straight, wooden lane and knock stuff down at the other end better than anyone! Now that's an essential quality in need of recognition.

Although the drive to excel in sports seems a little odd, it's understandable based on where we come from. It wasn't long ago that we needed to be the fastest or the strongest to survive. And, even though physical ability isn't as necessary as it was in our caveman days, it's still ingrained in our psyche. Having said that, however, there's still no excuse for some of the other areas in which we yearn to be the best. What areas am I talking about, exactly? It's simple; almost any other area you can think of. We humans are competitive in practically every single facet of our lives. Whether it's in video game playing, hot dog eating, or leaf raking, we're constantly sizing up the competition. How come we care about these things? Who knows. One thing is certain, though, we care a lot. Why else would a grown man smash his PS3 controller with a hammer whenever he loses a game? Is being good at pushing buttons really that important?

It's true, our sense of competition is spiraling out of control. We strive to be the best at anything we can think of. We want nicer hair, whiter teeth, a prettier shirt, etc. When does it end? Remember when we were children and the kid who had the most pants pockets was the "winner"? You may laugh, but we're no better once we grow up. Now, instead of competing to have the most pockets, we're striving to have the biggest car, parked in the biggest driveway, in front of the biggest house. Oh, and what's that? You just installed a new garage next to your home? Well guess what? I just installed a new house on top of my new garage! You just planted an exotic tree in your back yard? Good for you!! I just planted a giraffe!!! You purchased a Burmese Python at the local pet shop?! SO WHAT!! I JUST PUT A DOWN PAYMENT ON A BLUE WHALE!!!!

What's sad about this whole state of affairs is that when I said we're competitive over EVERYTHING, I meant it. Nothing is off limits. This can only lead to one thing; wanting to be the best at things that we shouldn't even want to be the best at. Let me ask you, what's 'cooler' when you're in college. Getting drunk off of two beers at a party, or getting drunk off of a 24 pack? That's correct, the 24 pack. Does it matter that drinking that much alcohol is terrible for you? No. All that matters is that you can drink more than the next guy. What comes after this? Seeing who can ram their head the hardest against a brick wall? "Oh man, did you hear that Jimmy's in a coma after smashing his head on the wall?" "Really? Wow, he destroyed me, I only got a concussion. Well, wish me luck, I'm off to stab myself with a fork."

It appears that because we have no need for survival anymore, our competitive nature is simply spewing off in every direction, and someone is going to get hurt. We all need to just relax and ask ourselves, does it really matter if Jane can remember all the names of the muppets when I can only remember Miss Piggy? Does it affect my life in any way if Tom can fit 7 marshmallows in his mouth while I can do only 5? We all need to just put down the video game controller, go look at ourselves in the mirror, take a deep breath, and say, "My next door neighbor's tree has more branches than mine, and I'm OK with that." If we can't do this, in a few more years human beings could very possibly cause their own extinction. Not because we tried to hold our breath the longest or drink the most rubbing alcohol, but because we all had the sudden urge to be the best at being the most dead. Just think about that for awhile. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find a pair of jeans with six or more pockets.

Editing Someone's Work

Editing a piece for someone can be a tricky process. The author put a lot of effort into their writing so it's important to try and give constructive feedback that's not going to feel like an attack. People are sensitive, when correcting their work you have to realize there's a fine line between being helpful, and being hurtful.

To give an example, I'll start with something simple. Let's say I'm reading someone's work and I come to a place where the writer accidentally used the word 'there' instead of 'their'. No big deal, all I have to do is circle the word and go over to the margin and write, "Please learn the correct form of the words 'there,their, and they're.' You don't have to look like an idiot." The 'please' right in the beginning of my comment will show them I'm being nice, and now that they know that, they can feel confident that I'm not going to attack them as they read the rest of my note.

Upon getting to the last part, where I tell them they don't have to look like an idiot, they'll feel really good because I'm giving them hope. Sure, they may look like an idiot now, but I'm showing them that it doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't take much to ensure that I not only give constructive criticism, but also end on an uplifting note.

As I continue critiquing their work, I also have to be on the lookout for grammatical errors and poor sentence structure. This is very important. If the reader can't understand what the author is trying to say, they can't enjoy the story. That's why, if I come across something like a run-on sentence, I have to make sure to point it out while continuing to remain as positive toward the writer's work as possible. To do this, I'll want to simply take a black marker and blotch out the entire sentence. Once this is done, I'll go to the margin and write, "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all."

The 'If' in the beginning of my comment lets the author know that the statement they are about to read is conditional. This will make them feel good right away because they'll know whatever I'm about to say in the comment could be reversed if they do something. It's that whole hope thing again. As they continue to read my note, they'll be happy I implied they should only quite writing if they aren't going to do it right. This means, of course, if they are going to do it right, then they should continue with their work. In one inspirational little comment, I'll have successfully motivated them to not only continue writing, but to do it right.

OK great, now I can feel really good about giving helpful feedback while being sensitive at the same time. What's more, since I completely blotched out the run-on, they don't have to look at it and feel like a failure anymore. I've saved them from that.

Finally, once I've gone through and edited the entire piece with respect and care, the last thing I have to do is give my overall impression of the writing. This is perhaps the most important part of the whole critique. The author is going to read this and hope the editor ends on a positive note about their work. They want to hear things like, "I loved this, I see this going far", or "You have a real vision and your wit is second to none" , or maybe even, "Are you God?" These are all great, but I can do even better by saying four simple words, "I-couldn't-finish-this." Upon seeing this, the author will be forced to really think about what my comment means. Could I not finish it because it was terrible? Or was it because I found it so emotional and touching that I couldn't go on? They may think the first choice is more likely, but there's still a slim chance it could be the second one. It's always nice to leave people with a good mystery.

How to Write a Horror Story

Writing a story is hard enough, but writing a story that will scare people is even harder. It takes imagination, visualization, punctuation, a work station, basically, anything that ends in 'tion'. But let's not get caught up in details.

When I sit down to write a horror story I have to remember that it's all about mood. I need to make absolutely certain that I set a dark, scary tone for the reader to be drawn into. This means there should be no light of any kind during the telling of my story. It takes place at night, in a cellar or basement, and the main character is blind. These three elements are key to creating a terrifying setting, and no successful horror story has ever been written without them. It's as simple as that. When my character bumps into a chair, they can't know it's a chair, they have to wonder if it's possibly a dead moose carcass. Think about it like this, if the protagonist walks into a well lit room, sees a chair on the other side, and walks over and runs into it, where's the suspense? Chairs are only scary if you don't know it's a chair, otherwise, it's just a chair. Writing a horror story is all about creating illusions with furniture.

Once I've established the perfect scary setting for my story, it's time to include some blood. This is an essential element to any horror tale. It creates a sense of urgency, and the more of it there is, the better. That's why I always have my blind basement character trip and fall into one of those little kiddie pools just filled with the stuff. As they struggle to get out of this horrific pool, they now have to wonder, did they trip over a roller skate, or someone's severed hand? See what I'm doing here? I'm turning a simple, everyday item into something terrifying, just like I did with the chair. Remember, a roller skate isn't scary on it's own, but if it might be a severed hand, now we have something to worry about.

Now that I have all of the elements needed to create a horror story, I have to bring in some twists. And, just like the blood, the more the better. Twists are necessary because they keep the reader guessing. Not only that, but if I let the reader assume one thing about something, and then change what they thought they knew, now they're going to have to question everything, and questions are scary.

Let's take my blind basement character again. Let's say he is walking around and all of a sudden decides that the moose carcass he ran into earlier wasn't a moose, but just an exercise bike. This is horrifying because now the reader wonders what else isn't what they were led to believe it was. They'll try to think about what other twists there might be, but won't be able to because they'll be too shocked by the bike. Imagine how scared they'll be when they find out the severed hand was just a power drill, and instead of tripping into a pool of blood, the main character decided he actually just fell in a puddle. Had enough? I hope not, because the protagonist wasn't even blind or in a basement, but just some dude walking around in his fully lit garage at high noon. Talk about terror.

Great, my horror story is really starting to shape up. I've included a dark setting, blood, and twists. The last thing I have to do is end it with a bang. Something that just blows the reader away. To accomplish this, what I'm going to do is make the entire story I just told into a dream that the main character had. That's right, nothing in the story was true, and now that the protagonist is awake, they realize they really are blind, in a dark basement, and with not one, but two pools of blood.

If I know how to write a horror story like I think I do, this ending will leave my audience gasping for air. I will have successfully rattled their mind, and it's not quite over, because now the main character has woken up for the second time, for real now, and he's just lying comfortably in his bed, or is he? I will go through and have the main character "wake up" as many times as I want, all while sending chills up and down my audience's spines as they wonder if he's truly awake this time, or if the story is just getting more twisty. If it was horror they wanted, they got it. But now I'm guessing they wished they hadn't wanted it. It's that scary.

How to Write a Story

The amount of people out there who can write a good story are slightly outnumbered by the people who can't. I'd say it's about a 1 to 532 ratio, about. Even though these odds aren't very good, I still think that I'm one of the people who can. And, even though most people don't agree with me, I am also a person, and I do agree. Let's get started.

One of the major components of any good story is a plot. When I write I like to make sure the overall theme and storyline is interesting. This is why my subject matter is almost always centered around a tiger or avalanche. Both of these things are extremely exciting and makes the reader want to keep on reading. Think about it. Would you rather read a story about a guy that is shopping for a new hammer and then finds one and drives home? Or a story about a guy that is shopping for a new hammer and then finds one and gets eaten by a tiger after being caught in an avalanche? Exactly. Tigers and avalanches are fun because they're unpredictable. They can strike at any time and you always have to wonder about their motive.

Great, now that I have the perfect plot for my story, it's time to include characters that we can relate to. This is important because the reader needs to be able to put themselves into the story, as if it were happening to them. In order to do this properly, I need to create someone that says, feels, and does things that are familiar and believable to my audience. If, for instance, the protagonist in my story enjoys Rosie O'Donnell or getting stabbed, I can guarantee my readers won't be able to relate. There are very few people that enjoy these things, and if I say my character is one of those few, the reader will have to question if it's true.

How my character reacts to different situations is very important in making my story credible as well. If my protagonist is lying on the ground, bleeding to death from a tiger swipe for example, he probably isn't going to sit there and think, "I hope someone finds me soon." He's probably going to be sitting there thinking, "I wonder if an avalanche is coming." It's very important that the character thinks in logical and reasonable ways or I could risk losing credibility.

OK, so now I have an interesting plot and believable characters. The next step is description and detail. This is very important. I have to paint the picture for the reader since they can't actually see it themselves. Otherwise, the story will feel dull and flat. Let me give an example; which sentence is better, "The man stood and stared at the table that was sitting on the floor in front of him." Or, "The wrinkly, stinky, old man stared sinisterly at the bluish, whitish, greenish, four legged, wooden thing that was sitting conspicuously on the gray, new, just purchased from Sears carpeting, that was two, maybe two and three quarters, I'm not sure because the old man doesn't have a ruler, feet in front of him." Obviously, the second, more descriptive sentence was much better. It lets the reader know exactly what the character looks, feels, and smells like, while showing precisely what he's looking at, and where this object is located.

Furthermore, notice how I changed the word "table" in the first sentence to "thing" in the second. This effectively creates suspense as you wonder what this thing is that the character is looking at. I don't want to give the entire story away right off the bat. I need to give the reader something to think about.

Continuing this train of thought, I also made it clear in the second sentence that the table had four legs. This is important. Without it the reader would have wondered, "Is it possible that this table has just one or two legs?" Letting the reader think there's a two legged table in your story is a huge mistake. No one can relate to a two legged table and therefore you will have lost all merit.

Finally, the last part to writing a good story is a strong conclusion. What did the characters learn? How are their lives going to be different because of the events that took place? If my protagonist didn't change at all by the end of my story, readers will begin to wonder what the whole point of telling it was, but if my protagonist goes through significant changes, then the reader will wonder why I didn't think of better changes. Basically, no matter how the story ends, everyone is going to hate it. Furthermore, if the entire story was excellent until the end, then they will hate it even more because they'll think I ruined something that was good. That's why I always try to write bad stories right from the beginning.

In closing, there is no such thing as a good story. No one should try too hard to create believable characters or rich imagery because the ending is going to be terrible anyway. The best thing to do is write a horrible story all the way through, so when you crap on it with a poor ending, people won't be able to say you crapped on a beautiful gem, but just on another piece of crap. This will be much easier for the reader to swallow. I know it's a strategy that has worked wonders for my writing career. Don't believe me? Just look at the stack of rejection letters I've gotten from publishers. Do any of them say I ruined a good story? Not a chance. They say the entire thing was awful right from the beginning. Now that's something I can be proud of.

Getting Fit

It was a boring Saturday afternoon as I sat on my couch and gulped down the last of the box of powdered donuts. As I contently licked my fingers clean a terrible thought suddenly struck me; I was getting fat. I tried to deny it at first. I thought to myself that one box of donuts doesn't make a person fat, five or six does. And as I glanced to the opposite end of the couch I was delighted to count only three other already emptied boxes. Four boxes is clearly not five or six. The only reasonable conclusion I could come to was that I was not in fact fat, but within the completely normal and healthy range.

Happy with the settlement I had made, I got up off the couch and slowly dragged my feet into the kitchen where I locked eyes with another box of donuts on the counter. I licked my lips, went to grab them, but then thought about the five or six box rule I had made. If I ate this box it would make five. Troubling. But then I thought about the rule a little harder. There must be a loophole in there somewhere. I just have to find it. Then, it hit me. "Aha!", I thought. I said five OR six. What if the fat cut off is actually six? As I sat there debating I suddenly had another epiphany; I was fat. No denying it this time. When you look for loopholes in your own rules, you know you have a problem.

That was it, I thought, I was going to the gym. I adjusted the elastic band on my sweatpants with pride as I slipped on an old pair of slippers, grabbed the car keys, and headed off to the local fitness center.

Upon entering the gym I noticed something peculiar; the staff seemed absolutely ecstatic to see me. They smiled and jumped around with what I suppose was joy. I wasn't quite sure what they were so happy and excited about. Were they waiting for the day when I would join? Did they know me? Was I THAT fat? I didn't recognize them, but as I gazed into their eyes I couldn't help but notice their smile was so wide that the corners of their lips practically wrapped all the way around their face and almost touched behind their head. They also appeared to just kind of bounce everywhere they went instead of walk. This seemed to be the magical place of happiness and energy.

As I walked up to the front desk to buy a membership the young lady who was to assist me began spouting things off like, "Oh my god! Hi! What are your fitness goals?! I just did upper body today!! Tomorrow I may do lower body, but I don't know!!!? Wanna see me do a back flip?!! Weeee!!!!!!" Her hair sprung all over as she tried to push her enthusiasm to new heights.

I wasn't sure how to respond, but it didn't matter because she had already exploded at that point.

Once I had my membership, it was time to really get the workout my body needed. My first plan of attack was to find a machine suitable for a beginner like me. As I strolled through the gym I realized I couldn't even tell what any of the odd, metal fitness contraptions were for. I decided that most appeared to be nothing more than a big hunk of black and white steel that was twisted and contorted until it looked like something a giant beast had chewed up and spit out onto the gym floor. Some even had straps and seat belts dangling about. I wonder how fast they went when you used them. I also began to wonder if this was really a gym or some kind of Medieval torture chamber. The guy shouting and groaning across the room as he was either attempting to bring a pair of metal handles toward him, or keep them away from him as they pushed toward him pointed to torture chamber.

As I walked I finally found a machine that looked a lot less intimidating than all the others. It was just a simple gray, metal box type thing with an upper and lower level. With confidence, I climbed onto this piece of fitness equipment and attempted to figure out how to work it. First, I tried sitting in the lower level, as this was probably meant for beginners. It was a tight squeeze, but I manage to get into what seemed to be the correct position. Then, I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I tried doing some sit-ups but I kept hitting my head on the upper platform. I attempted to do push-ups but had to stick my feet out of one end because it wasn't quite long enough.

After I had exhausted all possibilities with the lower platform, I figured it was time to try out the top portion of this strange contraption. As I climbed out from the bottom and onto the upper platform, I realized there were a lot of strange exercise gizmos and attachments to play around with. One was just kind of a long stick with some strange cloth at one end, kind of like a sparring tool, and others were what appeared to be some sort of hand grips. Great, I thought, something I'm familiar with. I took the plastic, red hand grips in either hand and just began to squeeze away until I got a good burn going.

Once my hands and forearms were so fatigued that I couldn't possible do another rep, I wiped the sweat from my brow and decided to climb back down to the lower platform and pump out a few more push-ups. As I began crawling down the side, however, a personal trainer walked over to give me a few pointers. Normally, I like to be left alone, but I decided if I was serious about my fitness I should let him show me a thing or two, just in case I was doing something wrong.

When he got to me, I smiled and said 'Hello.' He gave me a bit of a strange smile back and just kind of scratched his head for a second. That's when I thought to myself, oh boy, here we go, I'm obviously using incorrect form. I took a deep breath and listened as he instructed me. The first thing he said was, "What are you doing on the janitor's cart?" The janitor's cart, so that's what this odd contraption was called. I told him I'd never heard of it before but I really felt like I was getting results. At that point he gave me a kind of confused stare. I didn't understand. Were beginners not supposed to be using this machine? He proceeded to tell me that I sprayed all of the cleaner out of the spray bottles that were sitting on the top platform that I was now dangling from. That's when it hit me, a janitor's cart, I knew it sounded familiar. And those weren't hand grips I was using at all. No wonder each squeeze kept dowsing me in a lemon scented mist. I thought it was some new workout method to keep people motivated to do the next repetition.

Needless to say, now that I was fully aware that this 'exercise machine' was just a janitor cart, I was a little embarrassed. Why didn't I recognize it sooner? I looked, felt, and, thanks to the cleaning fluid, smelt like a real amateur. I only hope I didn't look too silly as I clambered all around this cart trying to figure out how to operate it. No matter, I thought, I'm sure plenty of other members had made the exact same mistake.

From that day forward, I vowed to make sure I fully understood any gym equipment before using it. And, as a testament to that, I'd just like to say that I am now an active gym member and have mastered the 'elliptical machine'. Do I use it? No. But I could if I wanted to. Instead, I'm more interested in checking out this tall, metal contraption that has lots of little narrow steps on it. I think I heard other members call it a 'ladder'. I think I've heard of that before. Whatever it is, it looks like it's just what I need to push my fitness to the next level. The gym really is a rewarding place, just so long as you're not afraid to explore everything it has to offer. I'm just glad that whole janitor cart episode is long behind me. I hate it when I don't look professional.

How to get a Raise

Getting a raise is one of the major goals of any employee. Before even taking a job we'll often first inquire about the possibility of advancements within the company. We want to know whether the starting salary is just that, the starting salary, or if it's just a kind of play figure that can be fondled once we're hired. Basically, before we even start a new job we already want more money. It's for this reason that I'm going to put down the blueprint that I would use for getting a raise at work.

So there I am, slaving away at my job for too many hours and not enough pay, how do I fix that? One of the more basic things I need to do is create the illusion that I'm working more when I'm actually working less. I'm already not getting paid enough. If I work hard then the deficit between too much work and not enough money will only widen. This is why it is imperative that I do as little as possible while making it look like I'm saving the world.

In order to pull this off, what I need to do is bring a bag of mud and a pair of scissors to work with me. Then, when no one is looking, I'll just smear the mud all over myself and cut holes in my jeans with the scissors. After this is done, all I need to do is walk around wiping my forehead and going, "Whew!" People will take one look at me and think I'm working really hard.

This is especially effective if I have an office job. As I'm walking up and down the sterile, spotless carpeting, past the rows of cubicles, someone will eventually look up from their computer and ask what happened to me. That's when I'll tell them I just busted out a weeks worth of reports this morning. At that moment, as they're looking at my tasseled, muddy hair and shredded khaki pants, they'll instantly know that reports don't stand a chance against me.

After awhile, as I'm walking around, my supervisor will come out of his office and say something like, "Why are you covered in dirt, moaning, and pacing in front of my office window?" I'll simply reply, "Oh, is that your window?" It's usually at this point that he'll send me home and tell me not to come back until I've 'cleaned up my act.' But that's just supervisor code for, "Wow, it looks like you've already put in a full days work and should take the rest of the day off." Bottom line, the hard work illusion seems to be taking effect.

The next day, when I go in to work, I'll walk straight into my supervisors office and demand a raise. I'll say, "I think we've both witnessed how hard I'm employing for you." If I use big words like 'employing' it'll seem like I'm really worth more money. Then, the supervisor will give his rebuttal by saying, "Do you work here?" That's when I'll know I have to ramp my efforts up a notch. He's not quite sold on giving me a raise, but he will be.

Once I leave his office I know exactly what I have to do, I have to make everyone else look like they're doing less work. This way I'll look even better by comparison. I have to remember that it's all relative, and if I go up and smash a co-workers computer, I'll look like I'm relatively better at having a computer that works. Clearly, I'll be able to do more employing than the next person if my computer isn't smashed.

The one thing I have to keep in mind when doing this is the fact that people don't like it when you make them look bad. So, after I smash their computer, they'll probably get angry and say, "WHY DID YOU SMASH MY COMPUTER?!" But I have to remember that it's not really about the computer, it's about them looking like a bad worker, and let's face it, they look horrible.

If I just go around the office smashing people's computers, putting protractors through their paper shredders, and stealing their work and passing it off as my own, I can ensure that I'll look as good as possible. I'll have created the illusion that I'm really putting in a hard days work compared to everyone else. And sure, my co-workers may get angry when it appears that they're terrible employees, but I'll just tell them it's only an illusion. If it were true, then they would have something to worry about.

OK, I'm doing everything in my power to get a raise, but then it happens, I get fired instead. What went wrong? The truth is, no matter how good of a worker you are, sometimes you're just not the right fit for a company. It's no one's fault, these things happen. All I have to do now is look on the bright side. Remember that deficit between workload and compensation, for instance? Well, now it's gone. I'm not doing any work and I'm not getting paid anything for it. Everything is completely balanced, just like it should be. All I need to do at this point is go out and find an employer who will appreciate someone that makes it look like they're working hard, even if they're really not.

Going to the Movies

Going to the movies is a pastime many Americans enjoy. It gives us a chance to just relax and forget about life for a while. It's so important, in fact, that we spend millions upon millions of dollars on theater tickets every year. And, if current trends hold, it's expected to reach a trillion dollars a week by this time next month, or so I've been thinking. This is why, when I go to the movies, I want to make sure nothing stops me from having the good time that I paid for.

One of the more obvious things I need to do is make sure the movie I go to is decent. This is very important given the fact that the number of bad movies has been on the rise in recent centuries. And sure, there are experts that will argue that it's only because movies didn't exist a century ago, but I'm not really interested in excuses. You can twist the facts and muddy the water all you like; it doesn't change the fact that there are a lot of bad movies out there. This is why I have to do my research before choosing one to go see on the big screen.

To do this research I simply watch movie trailers on television and wait to see if they say whether it's good or not. What most people don't realize is that often times it will tell you right in the preview if you should go see it. Phrases such as 'A must see!', for instance, let me know right away that I must see it. Then there are other movie ads that simply say 'Action packed!' or 'Heart-warming', but they never actually come out and say, "This movie is good." That's when I know that it probably isn't. If they can't even bring themselves to say it, it's probably for a reason.

Now that I've picked a movie to go watch because the trailer said it was good, it's time to buy a ticket and choose a seat. This seat selection is very important. I don't want to be too close because then I can only see about 3% of the screen at a time. And sure, I've gotten really good at flinging my head around so fast that I can piece together every shot as it unfolds, but I'm sick of head-butting the people next to me, and they're sick of it too. So I need to pick a seat that's about three quarters of the way back and in the exact center of the row.

It can get tricky if there isn't an exact center due to an even number of seats, but all I have to do is sit on the arms of the two chairs in the middle. If there are an odd number of seats then I have it made. Sometimes, however, there will already be someone sitting in the seat I want. In this case, I'll usually just go up and sit in their lap. For some reason, people don't really like sitting this way and say something like, "Get off me!" But that's when I tell them they could've just said, "Let's switch," and I would've gladly taken the bottom. Some people just don't know how to say what they mean.

Once I have the perfect seat it's time to relax and wait for the movie to begin. As I'm waiting, I always like to make sure everyone else is sitting in such a way that I can enjoy the movie to the fullest. If a really tall person sits in front of me for instance, I'll just politely tell him to sit on the floor.

Before the movie starts, I also like to make sure no one is doing anything distracting. Some of these distracting things include, texting, talking on the phone, or having a cell phone in their pocket. I can't watch a movie if I know someone in the audience has a cell phone that could ring at any time. That's why I usually get up and say, "OK, everybody's cell phones out, I'm going to go around and collect them." To my dismay no one listens to me when I do this. That's when I say it a little louder, until people start shushing me.

Eventually, everyone in the theater will get so irritated that they'll begin yelling at me and threaten to 'cram their cell phone down my throat'. That's when I know I'm getting somewhere. I say, "Aha! So you do have a cell phone!" I'll usually continue this and start throwing popcorn around the theater as I scream, "RING, RING, RING!!! Yeah, it's annoying isn't it?!"

After a while, as I continue trying to ensure the experience is enjoyable for everyone, a couple of bigger guys will come over and attempt to intimidate me by saying, "One more sound out of you and we'll rip your head off." But that's when my cell phone usually rings and I just tell them it's probably important and I should take it; then I run out of the theater. Talk about saved by the bell.

It really is amazing how some people just have no consideration. I mean, look at what just happened to me. Now, because of them, I wasn't able to watch a good movie that I paid to see. Next time the first thing I'll do is ask for everyone's cell phones before the movie starts. That way they won't have a chance to be annoying during the showing. Going to the movies truly is tricky business; people will ruin it for you if you let them.

Buying a New Car

When buying a new car, you're faced with a lot of important decisions. Should you buy new or used? What's your price range? Is gas mileage and performance a big deal, or would you be fine with a back-hoe? Since these are tough questions to answer, it makes purchasing a vehicle that much more difficult. That's why I'm going to show how I would go about making the final decision.

When going to any dealership, it's important that I don't get pushed around by the salesmen. I have to let them know that I'm not going to let myself be bullied into anything before I'm ready. That's why I always go to the dealership naked. This shows them right away that I'm on a very tight budget and will have to really think about my purchase. Not only that, but since I'm not wearing any clothes they'll be able to clearly see that I didn't bring any money with me. I'm not playing games. I didn't plan on buying today and they'll know it before they even approach me. When I go to a car lot, I need to go with my game face on. I need to prove I can play hard ball just like the rest of them.

Since I'm shopping for a new vehicle naked, none of the salesmen come over to hassle me. Now I can just search at my leisure and really look for a car that suits me. Once I find one that really catches my eye, it's time to get some help to see what kind of pricing we're looking at. And sure, the price tag may say $21,450, but that's not what it means. All a price tag does is show you the maximum they would charge for a car. Of course they wouldn't charge you more than what it's marked at. That means they would sell this particular car anywhere from $0 to $21,450. With that kind of range, when the salesman comes over I know exactly what price I'm going to be negotiating for, $15 -$25. This way the salesman will really feel like it's worth his time to go through the paper work, unlike if I went for the $0 dollar range. I have to remember, if I want great service I need to dangle a little extra incentive in front of them.

When I finally convince an associate to come to my aid, it's time for the negotiations to begin. First we'll make some small talk. I'll tell him I like his suit and he'll respond by asking if I want to borrow his jacket or something. This is always a good sign. It lets me know right away that he's really looking to make a sale. He's already trying to buttering me up with the whole jacket offer routine.

Now that I have him right where I want him, I go in for the kill. I'll casually look at the car and say, "How's $5 sound?" Of course I know he isn't going to go for this, but it's always good to start low rather than high. I can tell he isn't quite hooked by the way he says, "Very funny." But that's when I charge right in with the $20 offer. It's at this point that he starts laughing at me because he's so happy to have made a great sale.

He'll usually laugh for a good minute or so thinking that it's some kind of joke, but as soon as he realizes I'm serious, he changes his tone. It's at this point that he'll say something like, "I think you need some serious help." And I'll say, "No, I'm just not afraid to put down some serious cash when I see something I like." Then I pull out a wadded up 20 dollar bill that I had in my mouth. It's at that point that he goes into his office and calls the police. I guess I can't blame him. Here I was, implying that I didn't bring any money with me when I actually had 20 bucks in my mouth the whole time. I made him feel stupid and now the cops are arresting me for it.

As the cops take me away I just tell the salesman to save the car for me and I'll be back to pick it up tomorrow. I can tell he feels bad about the whole arrest by the way he doesn't make eye contact. It's OK though, I'll just use the $20 to bribe the cops into dropping me back off at the mental institute. Then I'll use my negotiation skills to get placed into a higher security room. That's right, it's time for hard ball, and I've reapplied my game face.

Halloween

Halloween is one of the most exciting holidays of the year. It's the only day that you are given a license to go out and cause mischief without being punished. As an adult, I feel we have a duty to make this event as fun as possible for the children of the neighborhood. Not only should we be obligated to give candy to the trick-or-treaters, but we should also be obligated to go out of our way to make sure they have an excellent time.

When we talk about Halloween, we have to talk about pranks. After all, that's one of the major components of any memorable 31st of October. Kids go around toilet papering houses, throwing eggs at cars, and playing a million other tricks on unsuspecting victims. They love pranks. Furthermore, the last thing they want is to go through Halloween without getting pranked in return. They went out of their way to egg my car, so now I have an obligation to return the favor in any manner I see fit.

So it's a dark Halloween night and the children are out trick-or-treating in force. In order to really give them what they want, I first have to decide what that is exactly; beyond the basic prankings. This isn't too difficult. Kids really like candy and being frightened, especially on a night such as this. With this in mind, all I need to do is wait for them to come knock on my door, give them some candy corn, and then take out a machete and act like I'm going to kill them. This works because children find murder scary. As they turn and run away I always feel profound joy knowing I just gave them exactly what they wanted; a little candy mixed in with a little fright.

Usually, as a little added bonus, I'll shout things at the kids as they're running like, "AFTER I KILL YOU I'M COMING FOR YOUR PARENTS!" Then I'll shoot a rifle in the air or something. This way I can ensure that the fright won't wear off too early and they can really enjoy the rest of their night.

As it turns out, rifle shots are a really good way to scare not only the trick-or-treaters that came to my house, but everyone else in the neighborhood too. I usually do such a good job, in fact, that I won't get anymore knocks on my door for the rest of the night. That's why I have to go out and search for more children to scare. And I know you're probably thinking, "Aren't you going pretty far out of your way?" Yes, I am, but it's for the children.

So I'm out driving around looking for kids to startle. One of the first things I'll do is pull my van up next to a dark alley and tell any trick-or-treater I see that I have candy. What's great about this is, it may not scare the children all that much, but if they have a parent with them, the parent seems to get really freaked out. I just laugh to myself thinking how parents are even easier to scare than children in a lot of ways. Here I am, sitting in my van offering candy to only the children, and it's the parents that are all spooked. Go figure.

Once I run out of candy I decide it's time to step it up a notch. All the threats and gunshots were a good primer, but I know I can do better, and the children deserve better, too. They're our future, after all, which is why I need to present them with the possibility that they might not have one. I need to really get their wheels turning, spinning, and flying off the handle. I also need a chainsaw.

Now that I have what is arguably the scariest Halloween prop of all time, I can feel confident no one will end the night disappointed. As I lurk around the corner with my chainsaw idling, I just wait for an unsuspecting victim. Though, after a few minutes I start to worry I'll run out of gas before I get to scare anyone. After thinking for another minute I decide I owe it to the children to go tearing around the corner and chase them down. As I'm sprinting down the street I wave the chainsaw wildly over my head while screaming, "I'LL MAKE SHORT WORK OF YOU!". Then I shoot my rifle in the air again for added effect.

As I continue to run towards the children like a crazed lunatic, my arm starts getting tired from holding the chainsaw over my head. I'm almost in range, though, so I try to keep at it for just a few more steps. Then, just as I make it within a few feet of them, my arm gives out and I drop the chainsaw on my foot. I would say it was an unfortunate accident, but when I look at the children's faces, all covered in fear and blood spray, I realize it was actually a happy accident. There's no way I could've come up with that on my own.

After the night is through I can go home and feel great knowing that I gave everyone just what they were looking for. I gave the children candy and the prospect of being murdered, and I gave the parents a spook without even trying. I just hope I can be as effective next year, when I try fake kidnapping a child and then return them in the morning. Boy, will everyone be relieved when they realize it was only a harmless Halloween prank and not a real kidnapping. They'll probably try giving me some kind of award, which will be embarrassing because I won't have anyone to thank but myself.

Getting Published

For an author, getting published is quite often a lifelong goal. It is such a difficult task that some try and try with all of their might only to die poor, frustrated, and alone. The publishing world is truly a harsh place. That's why I have taken my writing future into my own hands. As I proceed, I'll go through all of the necessary steps it takes to get published, all while pointing out little tricks I would use to get my work noticed.

Right off the bat, when we talk about publication, we need to talk about having material to submit for publication. This is a step that a lot of people like me often forget. If I want to get my work in print, I have to have work. It's as simple as that. I can't even count the number of times I've written to a publisher asking why I'm not seeing any of my books on store shelves only to have them tell me I never submitted anything to them. Often times I'll try to give them a guilt trip by saying something like, "Here I thought you were this big, prestigious publishing house but you need me to write everything for you." That usually shuts them up and I never hear from them again.

Since publishers insist I give them something to publish before they'll publish it, what I'll do is try a little writing. As I'm doing this, however, I usually find that it's a lot of work. Writing is actually something that takes time, skill, and effort, all of which I don't have. Obviously this isn't fair. Why do other authors who have talent always get to be the ones getting their work published? It's a little one-sided I think. I mean, the rest of us have something to say too, and I don't see why some people get to say it while others do not. It's a form of prejudice and it should not be tolerated.

As it turns out, publishing houses don't usually agree with the logic I have just laid forth. In this case it's time to get good at writing. Believe it or not, becoming good at something when you're already bad is hard. You're body is so used to doing it one way that it's tough to break out of that mindset. You have to put in all of this practice, time, and effort.

I'll know this practice is paying off once I've completed at least three crossword puzzles all by myself. Not only did I look up another word for "space", but I wrote the letters into those square boxes. Eventually, when I can do it without the help of the boxes, I'll know I'm ready to write a novel.

For those of you trying to raise your own writing prowess, I would strongly recommend picking up a few crossword puzzle training guides yourself. The boxes act as training wheels and they really help guide your hand as you form each letter. I know it's a valuable tool that has really helped transform my abilities from terrible, to better.

Once I've become an excellent writer with the help of those training guides, it's time to dive into my first full length novel. And, even though I'm working very hard, I can't get discouraged if I'm unable to find anyone who wants to publish it right away; even when they say things like, "We don't accept submissions that are hand-written by babies." I know if I just keep using the box training guides and keep working at it, I'll start writing things that look like a baby didn't write it. In the publishing world it's all about perseverance, and I'll become a skilled writer even if I have to do a thousand crossword puzzles to accomplish it.

How to Move

It's a fact of life; moving is one of the most unpleasant things human beings have to do. You have the daunting task of packing up all of your possessions, loading them into a vehicle, and driving them to a new destination where you then have to unpack everything. Most people would rather have their wisdom teeth removed than relocate their lives. Then there are still others who would reportedly rather just have their entire head removed. This is why I'm writing this essay. Though performing such a stressful feat is exhausting, there are some ways I would go about it to help lighten the burden.

To begin, I want to look at some of the reasons why we move in the first place. Maybe it's for a job or significant other. I know there are some people who move for no reason other than to see what it's like not to have their trailer blown away by a tornado every year. I guess they want to try relocating on their own for once. But whatever the reason, it's important that you aren't moving just because you think it'll be exciting, because it won't be.

I, for one, will do everything in my power to stay where I am until it's just no longer feasible to do so. If I get a new job offer for instance, I have to ask myself, can I do it from home? If my significant other is moving, can I convince her not to? If not, do I really love her? If I do, does she really love me or is it more of a stalker situation? I can't tell you how many times I've gotten really excited to move to a new place with my girlfriend only to find out once we're there that she wasn't even my girlfriend, but just some girl I was stalking. I simply tell her I can't believe she had the nerve to wait until we were already there to tell me how she felt about us.

In any case, if, after looking deep inside myself, I'm still in need of moving, then it's time to prepare for the long haul. One of the first things I have to do is decide which things I want to take with me, and which things I can give away or throw out. This is the easy part. If I'm already carrying or wearing it, I'll keep it. Everything else has to go. But, instead of going through the trouble of taking everything to the dump, I usually just put it all on the neighbors front lawn and tell them they're having a yard sale. Most of the time they didn't even know about the yard sale, which is funny, because they're the one's having it so they had better just get with the program.

Now that I've taken care of all of my belongings and have the car packed with myself, it's time to do the actual drive. This part of the move is crucial because without it, I don't move. So, to ensure that everything goes smoothly what I need to do is drive as fast as possible. This way I'll get where I'm going in the shortest amount of time. The less I'm on the road the less chance I have of a mishap.

Eventually I'll reach my destination and just in the nick of time. My girlfriend looks like she could use a hand unpacking. I would help out but I don't feel like moving from my comfortable position in the bushes. Besides, she's one of those people that likes to do everything herself and starts screaming if a stranger emerges from the shrubbery and tries to get all cuddly with her. I guess that's what I love about her, she knows what she wants and isn't afraid to speak up.