Going to the Movies

Going to the movies is a pastime many Americans enjoy. It gives us a chance to just relax and forget about life for a while. It's so important, in fact, that we spend millions upon millions of dollars on theater tickets every year. And, if current trends hold, it's expected to reach a trillion dollars a week by this time next month, or so I've been thinking. This is why, when I go to the movies, I want to make sure nothing stops me from having the good time that I paid for.

One of the more obvious things I need to do is make sure the movie I go to is decent. This is very important given the fact that the number of bad movies has been on the rise in recent centuries. And sure, there are experts that will argue that it's only because movies didn't exist a century ago, but I'm not really interested in excuses. You can twist the facts and muddy the water all you like; it doesn't change the fact that there are a lot of bad movies out there. This is why I have to do my research before choosing one to go see on the big screen.

To do this research I simply watch movie trailers on television and wait to see if they say whether it's good or not. What most people don't realize is that often times it will tell you right in the preview if you should go see it. Phrases such as 'A must see!', for instance, let me know right away that I must see it. Then there are other movie ads that simply say 'Action packed!' or 'Heart-warming', but they never actually come out and say, "This movie is good." That's when I know that it probably isn't. If they can't even bring themselves to say it, it's probably for a reason.

Now that I've picked a movie to go watch because the trailer said it was good, it's time to buy a ticket and choose a seat. This seat selection is very important. I don't want to be too close because then I can only see about 3% of the screen at a time. And sure, I've gotten really good at flinging my head around so fast that I can piece together every shot as it unfolds, but I'm sick of head-butting the people next to me, and they're sick of it too. So I need to pick a seat that's about three quarters of the way back and in the exact center of the row.

It can get tricky if there isn't an exact center due to an even number of seats, but all I have to do is sit on the arms of the two chairs in the middle. If there are an odd number of seats then I have it made. Sometimes, however, there will already be someone sitting in the seat I want. In this case, I'll usually just go up and sit in their lap. For some reason, people don't really like sitting this way and say something like, "Get off me!" But that's when I tell them they could've just said, "Let's switch," and I would've gladly taken the bottom. Some people just don't know how to say what they mean.

Once I have the perfect seat it's time to relax and wait for the movie to begin. As I'm waiting, I always like to make sure everyone else is sitting in such a way that I can enjoy the movie to the fullest. If a really tall person sits in front of me for instance, I'll just politely tell him to sit on the floor.

Before the movie starts, I also like to make sure no one is doing anything distracting. Some of these distracting things include, texting, talking on the phone, or having a cell phone in their pocket. I can't watch a movie if I know someone in the audience has a cell phone that could ring at any time. That's why I usually get up and say, "OK, everybody's cell phones out, I'm going to go around and collect them." To my dismay no one listens to me when I do this. That's when I say it a little louder, until people start shushing me.

Eventually, everyone in the theater will get so irritated that they'll begin yelling at me and threaten to 'cram their cell phone down my throat'. That's when I know I'm getting somewhere. I say, "Aha! So you do have a cell phone!" I'll usually continue this and start throwing popcorn around the theater as I scream, "RING, RING, RING!!! Yeah, it's annoying isn't it?!"

After a while, as I continue trying to ensure the experience is enjoyable for everyone, a couple of bigger guys will come over and attempt to intimidate me by saying, "One more sound out of you and we'll rip your head off." But that's when my cell phone usually rings and I just tell them it's probably important and I should take it; then I run out of the theater. Talk about saved by the bell.

It really is amazing how some people just have no consideration. I mean, look at what just happened to me. Now, because of them, I wasn't able to watch a good movie that I paid to see. Next time the first thing I'll do is ask for everyone's cell phones before the movie starts. That way they won't have a chance to be annoying during the showing. Going to the movies truly is tricky business; people will ruin it for you if you let them.