Fat Man Serial Killer

Once upon a day there was a man named Bufert. Bufert wasn't just any man, however, he was a fat man. But he wasn't just any fat man, he was a fat man who was fatter than any other fat man who came before him, or would come again.

This downward spiral into fatterdom started when Bufert's mom, a cow tamer, went to a sperm bank looking for a donor. Instead of being impregnated with sperm like usual, however, the doctors accidentally injected her with vegetable oil. Once the doctors realized their mistake they attempted to redo the injection, but it was already too late. The woman's egg had eaten all of the fatty oil and was so content it decided to fertilize itself.

As Bufert grew in his mother's womb it became apparent that he was not a normal fetus. Where normal fetuses liked to run around and play, Bufert chose to just sit there and feed. The bigger he got the more he ate until he was eating everything his mother swallowed, leaving nothing for her. She started thinking there might be a problem when she no longer had the energy to do simple tasks, like climb stairs or blink.

Eventually, Bufert grew inside the womb until he was so big that his mother toppled over onto her stomach, allowing Bufert to crawl around on the floor from inside her belly. As he crawled, dragging his mother to and fro, he decided the best thing for both of them would be to head to McDonald's for a Happy Meal.

After reaching the front door of the restaurant, Bufert realized something horrifying; McDonald's had a very strict policy against serving unborn babies. Crawling behind the building, Bufert began crying hysterically. As he cried he noticed the womb was filling with tears. Now on the brink of drowning, he had no choice but to either stop crying, or eat his way through his mother's stomach. Realizing only one of those options dealt with eating something, he began chewing his way to freedom.

Once in the outside world, Bufert revealed himself to be so unrealistically fat that it was difficult to tell if he was really a human being or just a stack of beached whales covered in butter and vanilla pudding. One thing was certain, however, he was hungry. As he looked at the McDonald's building that he was still behind, he decided he'd first take a nap before doing any kind of moving. While napping, Bufert had a terrible nightmare; he dreamed that he didn't have any money to pay for a Happy Meal. Awaking in a cold, buttery sweat, he was pushed to the brink of insanity when he realized the dream wasn't just a nightmare, but a true story. As he nervously waded back and forth in his own pool of fat, he began to meditate. How would he solve this predicament? Then, it hit him. Where do people who pay for food put it once it's purchased? That's right! In their stomach! He decided that all he had to do was eat people's stomachs and he'd be saved.

As Bufert slowly made his way to the front of the building, he waited until a satisfied customer came walking through the exit. Then, he skillfully crept toward them with the athletic locomotion of a slug, the grace of a two legged turtle, and the ambition of a cold hot dog. When Bufert's victim caught sight of this gigantic pile of sludge lurching toward him, he was so dumbfounded that he couldn't move. For the next three days the man stood and stared in complete bewilderment as Bufert slowly undulated as fast as he could toward his prey.

Upon reaching his victim, Bufert tore through and devoured his stomach quicker than you could say, "Pope John Paul the second." Once the meal was finished, the hunger pangs finally subsided, giving way to feelings of euphoria, achievement, and new hunger pangs. This time, for KFC, which was right next door. Before making the trek, Bufert first observed the McDonald's customers through the glass door one more time. He waited until he saw one of the patrons finish a milkshake, as Bufert was quite thirsty. Then, just as before, once his chosen victim was in striking distance he attacked with the viciousness of a rabid turkey on Thanksgiving. This time, however, he didn't eat the stomach, but just ripped it out along with its attaching esophagus. After this was completed he slung it around his neck like a canteen and began his long, arduous pilgrimage to KFC, fifty feet away. He figured if he just rationed his food supplies and kept moving through the night, he could be there by this time next month.

As Bufert undulated, it became apparent that the trip wouldn't be as easy as he thought. The sidewalk was uneven, his confiscated stomach was running low on milkshake, and he hadn't even started the voyage yet. Slurping some beverage through the esophagus of his makeshift canteen, he set his sights on the big, red KFC sign and moved toward it without looking back. During his journey he took some time out every now and then to snack on pedestrian stomachs. They didn't contain much; a bagel, some pretzels, a hamster, but it was enough to tide him over until he reached his destination.

Finally, after three grueling months, Bufert arrived at KFC. But it was at that point in time that the police were beginning their investigation into a string of murders believed to be the work of a serial killer. They didn't have much to go on, though, because witnesses of the crimes couldn't describe what they saw. Indeed, Bufert was so fat that the people couldn't grasp it. Without any concrete evidence to work with, police reports simply said, "Watch out for, um, something."

Bufert continued his reign of terror until he was so fat that his fat cells began having children. Now, it was go time. With an ever increasing appetite and kids to feed, he knew it was time to get serious about stomachs. He needed to go to a place where people took the art of being fat very seriously. A place where laziness reigned supreme. A place like Wal-Mart. As he gobbled up every single customer belly that came out of his new favorite eatery, Bufert grew to unprecedented sizes.

Continuing his reign of terror, Bufert knocked off department store after bakery after dairy farm with such raw passion that it was almost touching. People from adjacent street corners couldn't understand what they were seeing, but if they could, it would've made them cry. Bufert's conviction was that powerful.

Now spanning two city blocks and towering above even the tallest of buildings, Bufert had reached a new dilemma. What can you eat in a city when you've already eaten everything? Darting his eyes back and forth Bufert didn't see any signs of life in any direction. Panic began to set in as his rumbling stomach grew louder and louder. Eventually, his tormented belly reached such a fever pitch that it could only be described as a deafening roar. Glass windows shattered and the earth quaked as Bufert wept massive globs of salty blubber from his eyes. Realizing he was wasting valuable bodily fats, Bufert forcefully calmed himself and did the only thing he could. He left his home town in search of a snack.

Undulating with a new sense of purpose, Bufert slimed his way across the countryside devouring everything in his path. Some villagers here, a flock of sheep there, things were looking up. As Bufert grew, scientists from around the world began reporting seeing some kind of "blobular structure" in their satellite images. Indeed, Bufert could now be seen from space, something the earth was running out of.

The globe began to panic as these satellite images flooded TV sets. People speculated what this giant, pail sludge patch on the earth could be. Some thought it must be an equipment malfunction of some sort. Others thought the earth itself must have developed some kind of massive tumor. Then there were others who desperately tried to blame it on El Nino. The only thing everyone could agree on was that it was growing, fast.

Countries tried to declare war on the ungodly, gelatinous blob of lard but their constitution didn't specify how to proceed in a case like this. As they raced to amend the constitution, allowing for the attack of unidentified blob monsters, it became clear it was too late. Bufert had blubbered them before they could even hold a vote. As the blob of buttery blubber moved across the globe it left nothing but destruction, toppled governments, and empty cupboards in its wake. Day and night he fed until the planet was nothing but a baron wasteland.

With Bufert now at such an utterly farfetched and improbable size, his fat began to hang off of all four corners of the earth, completely engulfing it in vast oceans of liquid lard. There was nothing left for him to eat, but it didn't matter. Due to his sheer size and density, nuclear fusion began to occur at his core. Fat cells fused with other fat cells to create even fatter fat cells. As he went orbiting around the sun he grew at an exponential rate, gobbling up first Mars, then Venus and Mercury.

Eventually, Bufert became the most massive body in the solar system, sending the sun and all the other planets collapsing into him. After that he went shooting into space, consuming anything in his trajectory. As time passed Bufert grew and grew until he reached a critical mass. His density was so great that he came upon a point in which fat becomes unstable. Bufert exploded with such tremendous brilliance that even the Big Bang was jealous. Gigantic globs of buttery fat went flinging to all corners of the freshly repopulated universe.

This isn't the end for Bufert, however. Oh no. Bufert now waits. He waits until his pieces which are scattered across the universe can feed and grow once more. He waits until they eventually coagulate back together to become the impossible lard bomb that is Bufert. He's not done yet, not by a long shot. Bufert is living proof of a nightmare that many refuse to admit; you can never get rid of fat. It isn't something that can be bargained with or killed off. Fat is forever. And so is Bufert.