Going Hunting

If you've ever lived in the countryside, went on vacation in the wild, or have seen a tree, you've probably wondered what it takes to be a skilled hunter. Questions like, "How do I find an animal? How will I know when I see one? Are animals even real?" are bound to arise. And although none of these questions are easy to answer, it doesn't mean I shouldn't try.

Whenever going on a hunting trip it's important to use the buddy system. The wilderness is a big place and there probably won't be any road signs. Having a friend who can help navigate could be the difference between getting lost and dying, and having fun and living.

Once I've picked the perfect hunting buddy, preferably someone with a compass, first aid kit, and ham sandwiches, it's time to grab our rifles and go deep into the woods. For those of you that have never been on a hunt, it's very similar to a game of hide and seek. Except in hide and seek the loser knows they lost because they got seen, and in hunting, the loser knows they lost because they're dead. Other than that they're the same.

As we scour the wilderness searching for the fabled 'animal', I usually find myself so anxious to find one that I start shooting at anything that moves. This can be a tiresome way to hunt, especially if it's a windy day, but one of these moving things could eventually be an animal. And sure, maybe only 1% of moving things actually turn out to be animals, but you can't kill 100% of the moving things that you don't shoot.

Sooner or later, as I frantically fire away at branches, streams, and my hunting buddy's feet, we'll come upon a clearing. Getting across this clearing without being seen by the hiding animals can be a tricky process, but not if I camouflage myself with local vegetation. The best way to outsmart the wilderness is to make it think you're a part of it. And since I'm covered in mud, twigs, and a ham sandwich, I fit right in.

Making our way to the other side of the clearing we re-enter the woods and continue our hunt. Then, at that moment, I see my hunting buddy training his rifle on something in the distance. At times like these there's nothing I can do but just let my partner concentrate on taking the shot while I blend into the wilderness as best I can. To do this blending I get down on all fours and pretend to be an elephant. As I roam around using my left arm as a trunk I'll just let out a bunch of convincing trumpet sounds. These decoy efforts ought to throw the deer off of any suspicions it may have about my buddy. It'll take one look at us and think everything is fine.

More often than not the deer will turn and run before we get any shots off. I'm not sure why. My elephant impression is second to none. The only explanation I can come up with is that maybe elephants eat deer. Whatever the reason, we usually leave the hunt empty handed. But that's not to say we didn't enjoy ourselves. Half the fun of hunting is just being in the wild, shooting at everything.