Is your spouse always "working late"? Are they often "too tired" for intimacy? Do you no longer feel the need to "practice hygiene"? If you've answered yes to any of these questions then there's a good chance your spouse is overworked, underpaid, and cheating. You shouldn't take my word for it, though. I know when I'm dealing with such a personal issue I need to hear it straight from my sister's coworker's friend, instead of some stranger.
Whenever I suspect my wife is cheating one of the first things I do is allow for a moment of quiet introspection as I try to remember my ex girlfriend's number. After that I tell myself I shouldn't jump to such hasty conclusions. So she's been working a lot lately. So someone's been calling and hanging up when I answer the phone. So I've caught her having sex with another man. There's literally a thousand other things that could mean, I just haven't thought of them yet. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let my lack of imagination ruin something that's quite possibly very special.
As the days go by I find myself unable to think of any reasonable explanation for the things I've witnessed. Though, I do have several unreasonable ones, so I know I'm making progress. Finally, no longer able to resist the urge, I do a little snooping. I decide to start with her purse. What better place to find some incriminating evidence like a cell phone number or a bunch of used condoms. Luckily, I don't find those items, just some chap stick and a few nude photos which probably came with the purse. Next, I move to her email. There I find a lot of back and forth correspondence between my wife and some guy named Johnny10. Many of the subject lines read things like, "I've got a BIG problem down here below my desk" and "I think we'll be working late again tonight *Wink* *Wink*." As I look at all of these emails I feel anger rising up inside of me. I need no further proof now. Companies are just working everyone to death and they don't even care. Calming myself I realize that's an issue for another time.
Focusing back on the task at hand I call my wife's gynecologist to ask if they've seen any suspicious activity lately. This turns out to be a dead end though due to client-patient privilege. I even try invoking the Freedom of Information Act, but it's a no go, just like it was when I asked them to explain immaculate conception, as my wife seems to be suffering from it.
Once I've rifled through my wife's purse, email, and genital records, all with varying degrees of success, I decide I've been going about it all wrong. She's always been very good at keeping things from me, especially her vagina, so I need to think outside the box. Taking a deep breath I decide to do what I swore I'd never do; I sit her down for a conversation. As we're sitting face to face I like to test the waters first by saying things like, "So what do you think about the decor of our living room? The walls could probably use some more pictures, huh? Do you want to nail them up, or would you rather screw your coworker?"
After this little conversation starter my wife suddenly seems to be all gung ho about redecorating. I can tell by the way she starts chucking vases, lamps, and psychotic looks at me. She's always been crazy about home improvement. I ask if we should rearrange the bedroom next, but she just screams, "How about I rearrange your face with a frying pan?!" I just laugh because I don't see how that's going to add value to the house.
When everything is over I find myself out on the street with all of my belongings. Apparently my wife didn't think I went well with the house. At least not as well as the guy she has moving in. I smile to myself as I realize she feng shuied me out before I could even ask if she was cheating. It's funny how interior decorating just kind of takes over once you start.
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