Performing a Seance

If there's one thing about us humans that will never change, it's our desire to speak to dead people. We all want to know what they're up to, how they're doing, and if they have any advice to give us living folk. The only problem with this desire to speak to the dead is the fact that dead people can't speak, because they're dead. This is where performing a seance comes in. A seance is basically any event in which people pay lots of money to watch someone else pretend to talk to ghosts. The key for the person performing the seance, however, is to make it look as real as possible. It is this point that I want to address, because let's face it, I want to open a seance business, and so do you.

In order for my seance business to be successful I need to convince people that I'm a better medium for summoning spirits than the next guy. This is why I would hang a sign in front of my shop that says, "I'm a better medium for summoning spirits than the next guy. All the dead people said so." Now there's no debating who's better because you can't argue with dead people.

Once I have clients coming into my shop on a regular basis, it's time to hone my seance skills. My customers are expecting some serious spirit talk so I have to fake it as best as possible. To accomplish this I would first instruct everyone to come sit around the table with me so I can start my seance chant. During the chant I have to be sure to say strange and mysterious things that no one quite understands like, "Boo Dee Dow Jones Blah Dee Da Dee Da." As I continue this chant I'll begin pulling on fishing line that I have secretly tied to different items around the room. People will take one look at all the objects mysteriously moving on their own and start to get really excited. Then, just as the seance is about to reach its climax, I'll lock the door and light the room on fire. This is necessary because it creates that cool smokey effect. As the room begins to get a nice blaze going I'll just laugh at everyone as they start to get all panicky. Here they were thinking they wanted to talk to dead people but now they can't handle it. A few minutes later, as everyone begins gasping for air in a last ditch attempt to have fun, I'll ask if they want to continue or end a little early. They will almost always choose to end early which is good because I never know how to finish a seance.

Once we're outside of the room the customers will almost always say things like, "We want our money back!" But that's when I'll tell them it's not my fault they're afraid of dead people. It's funny how you can think you want something, but as soon as someone pretends to give it to you, all of a sudden you're too scared to want it anymore. I guess we all learned a little something.