Halloween

Halloween is one of the most exciting holidays of the year. It's the only day that you are given a license to go out and cause mischief without being punished. As an adult, I feel we have a duty to make this event as fun as possible for the children of the neighborhood. Not only should we be obligated to give candy to the trick-or-treaters, but we should also be obligated to go out of our way to make sure they have an excellent time.

When we talk about Halloween, we have to talk about pranks. After all, that's one of the major components of any memorable 31st of October. Kids go around toilet papering houses, throwing eggs at cars, and playing a million other tricks on unsuspecting victims. They love pranks. Furthermore, the last thing they want is to go through Halloween without getting pranked in return. They went out of their way to egg my car, so now I have an obligation to return the favor in any manner I see fit.

So it's a dark Halloween night and the children are out trick-or-treating in force. In order to really give them what they want, I first have to decide what that is exactly; beyond the basic prankings. This isn't too difficult. Kids really like candy and being frightened, especially on a night such as this. With this in mind, all I need to do is wait for them to come knock on my door, give them some candy corn, and then take out a machete and act like I'm going to kill them. This works because children find murder scary. As they turn and run away I always feel profound joy knowing I just gave them exactly what they wanted; a little candy mixed in with a little fright.

Usually, as a little added bonus, I'll shout things at the kids as they're running like, "AFTER I KILL YOU I'M COMING FOR YOUR PARENTS!" Then I'll shoot a rifle in the air or something. This way I can ensure that the fright won't wear off too early and they can really enjoy the rest of their night.

As it turns out, rifle shots are a really good way to scare not only the trick-or-treaters that came to my house, but everyone else in the neighborhood too. I usually do such a good job, in fact, that I won't get anymore knocks on my door for the rest of the night. That's why I have to go out and search for more children to scare. And I know you're probably thinking, "Aren't you going pretty far out of your way?" Yes, I am, but it's for the children.

So I'm out driving around looking for kids to startle. One of the first things I'll do is pull my van up next to a dark alley and tell any trick-or-treater I see that I have candy. What's great about this is, it may not scare the children all that much, but if they have a parent with them, the parent seems to get really freaked out. I just laugh to myself thinking how parents are even easier to scare than children in a lot of ways. Here I am, sitting in my van offering candy to only the children, and it's the parents that are all spooked. Go figure.

Once I run out of candy I decide it's time to step it up a notch. All the threats and gunshots were a good primer, but I know I can do better, and the children deserve better, too. They're our future, after all, which is why I need to present them with the possibility that they might not have one. I need to really get their wheels turning, spinning, and flying off the handle. I also need a chainsaw.

Now that I have what is arguably the scariest Halloween prop of all time, I can feel confident no one will end the night disappointed. As I lurk around the corner with my chainsaw idling, I just wait for an unsuspecting victim. Though, after a few minutes I start to worry I'll run out of gas before I get to scare anyone. After thinking for another minute I decide I owe it to the children to go tearing around the corner and chase them down. As I'm sprinting down the street I wave the chainsaw wildly over my head while screaming, "I'LL MAKE SHORT WORK OF YOU!". Then I shoot my rifle in the air again for added effect.

As I continue to run towards the children like a crazed lunatic, my arm starts getting tired from holding the chainsaw over my head. I'm almost in range, though, so I try to keep at it for just a few more steps. Then, just as I make it within a few feet of them, my arm gives out and I drop the chainsaw on my foot. I would say it was an unfortunate accident, but when I look at the children's faces, all covered in fear and blood spray, I realize it was actually a happy accident. There's no way I could've come up with that on my own.

After the night is through I can go home and feel great knowing that I gave everyone just what they were looking for. I gave the children candy and the prospect of being murdered, and I gave the parents a spook without even trying. I just hope I can be as effective next year, when I try fake kidnapping a child and then return them in the morning. Boy, will everyone be relieved when they realize it was only a harmless Halloween prank and not a real kidnapping. They'll probably try giving me some kind of award, which will be embarrassing because I won't have anyone to thank but myself.