How to Tell if Your House is Haunted

A home buyers worst fears are foreclosure, natural disasters, and ghosts, in that order. Foreclosures and natural disasters are easy to avoid: Don't buy a house you can't afford, and don't build on land that moves. Ghosts, on the other hand, are much more difficult to deal with and you can't get insurance for them.

To get started, I want to talk briefly about building my own house. If I choose this option, there are a couple of things I should be aware of. First, I have to make sure I'm not building my home on someone's grave. Especially if it's the grave of a gruesome murder victim. These people have been through enough. They've earned that little plot of land. Not to mention the fact that they're frustrated, angry, and like to blame everyone else for their problems. Second, once I've built my house in a safe location, there can be absolutely no brutal murders inside of it. If I want to horse around I have to take it outside.

Though it's relatively easy to avoid hauntings when building a house, it can be a whole different story when buying. Let's say, for instance, I've just bought the home of my dreams. It has a white picket fence, a big back yard, and great neighbors. But then I start to notice some odd things. In particular, I see some strange movements as the interest rate on my mortgage begins inching up. Luckily this incident doesn't point toward a ghost and I can take it up with the bank. But let's say a few days later, other strange things begin happening. Maybe I hear a door slam upstairs. Or perhaps I see a figure in a white dress glaring at me. Or maybe I feel cold hands around my neck, choking me. First, I have to determine if it's my wife. Significant others have been know to do all of these things. If my wife swears it's not her then I will have no choice but to move on to her mother. After I've successfully ruled out all of my in-laws, it's time to look for further clues. I'll start with the overall feel of the house. Does it give me goose bumps every now and then? Do I feel a sudden chill whenever I walk into certain rooms? Am I certain I paid the gas bill? Sometimes something as simple as missing a due date can mislead us into thinking we have paranormal activity.

Though some phenomena can be easily explained, others are a little more mysterious. These are the things that force us to take a long, hard look at what we thought we knew about reality. Let's say, for example, I'm all alone in my house and about to turn in for the evening. But just as I begin settling into bed the television suddenly turns on. At that moment an eerie feeling washes over me as I realize there are only two possible explanations. Either there is a sinister spirit, floating around my room, making me watch Oprah, or I sat on the remote. Unfortunately, there is no way to solve this mystery. All I can do is speculate.

Ghost hunting certainly is a tough business. It's practically impossible to detect a presence with any kind of conclusiveness. And it's not just because their invisible, but because roughly nine out of nine times they're not really there. Proving something is there when it's not is a tall order and is the number one reason why so many people fail. That's not to say no one has ever had an evil presence in their home, though. Just so long as we define "evil presence" as anything causing fear, anxiety, and marriage. Most of us have experienced that before.

Going on a Road Trip

Whenever I go on a road trip it's pretty much guaranteed to be a fun time. The morning of the trip I wake up at the crack of dawn, or eleven, whichever comes last, brush my teeth, and pack the car with food, supplies, and my front door so no one can pick the lock while I'm gone. After that it's just me and the open road. I never have a destination in mind, just a longing for more majestic scenery than I could ever want, more wildlife than I could ever count, and less ditches that I can't ever get out of.

As I drive I like to make sure I'm taking in all of the sights by keeping my speed at the posted limit, just so long as the posted limit is no more than 15. Any faster and the entire landscape would be nothing but a blur. Other cars often line up behind me and start blaring their horns wildly. It's great how people are still getting so excited over nature. I just honk back in agreement. Some people even start getting irritated and yell things like, "Maybe we should just get out and walk!" And I know exactly how they feel. It's so beautiful you would almost rather walk. But then it's irritating because there's no place to park your car.

Eventually, as I continue my road trip, I'll come to a scenic viewpoint that I just have to stop and enjoy. It doesn't matter whether it's a majestic mountain, a grand waterfall, or a quaint carcass. I love all of nature equally. Once I've pulled over, I walk to the edge of the roadway, look both ways before crossing, and get hit by a car as I cross. Luckily I always park on really sharp turns where cars can't go very fast. The driver usually says something like, "Really great place to cross, buddy." I just thank him and continue across the road where I get hit by another car. If it wasn't for this sharp turn to slow traffic down I could have some serious injuries.

After I've explored everything there is to see in the area I go back across the road, get hit a couple more times, and hop in my car and head to the hospital. By this point my head is throbbing, my neck hurts, and my foot doesn't seem to want to stay on. As I drive I like to make sure I continue enjoying all of the beautiful scenery around me. It's funny how even though you've just driven through an area not an hour ago, it can still feel as if it's the first time. You get to enjoy the whispering pines and bubbling brooks all over again. I guess that's just one of the many gifts of massive head trauma.

Eventually I make my way to what I think is the hospital. It's hard to say since I've been driving with my head in my lap. I open the door, spill onto the ground, and begin my exciting crawl through the parking lot. As I crawl I like to think about how nice the road trip has been. I've gotten to see some amazing things, I've talked to other nature fans, and now I'm getting up close and personal with mother nature herself. I like it so much that I decide to start dragging my head along the ground. Now I can feel, smell, and taste mother nature with my face instead of just seeing it. Besides, my head is getting pretty heavy and my neck doesn't seem to want to work anymore. No matter. As long as I have the sun at my back, the breeze through my hair, and the crows pecking at my protruding skull I know all is right with the world.

After awhile I realize the crawl is too far to finish in one day and I decide to take a nap instead. Not long after I've fallen asleep, however, I'm suddenly awoken by someone yelling, "What are you doing laying in the middle of a field??" And I know he's right. I should be up exploring. But it just gets hard with all of the convulsions and no feet. As he gets a closer look at me he starts to sound all panicked and says things about needing to get help, but I'm too tired to deal with his problems so I go back to sleep.

When I wake up for the second time I find myself in the hospital all bandaged up and on life support. I hear the doctors saying things about never walking again or being able to feed myself. What a relief. The last time I was here they didn't think I was going to make it at all, and look at me now. It's funny how doctors are always wrong. Maybe they can get it right on my next road trip, but I doubt it.

Surviving a Bank Robbery

Unless you're the one performing a bank robbery they're usually not much fun to be a part of. You're forced to sit for hours, the robber is constantly yelling, and you don't get a cut of the money. Then, as if that isn't annoying enough, you could get shot.

Since bank robberies are so stressful and can lead to death, it's important to have a solid survival plan. One of the first things we have to think about is keeping ourselves out of harm's way. If, for instance, we're walking up to the door of our bank and we see a man in a ski mask waving a gun around, it might be best to come back later. If there's an emergency, like needing a roll of quarters for laundry, I might just pop my head in quick and ask how long he's going to be.

We don't always have the luxury of simply not walking into a bad situation like a robbery, though. Sometimes we're just in the wrong place at the wrong time. If I ever find myself in such an unfortunate circumstance I know exactly how I'm going to handle it; by remaining calm. It's been statistically proven that you're less likely to have an encounter with a bullet if you're behaving yourself. Following this simple rule will not only keep me alive, but will allow me to put on the ski mask I brought with me to the bank. Now I can act like I'm robbing the bank too and really throw the robber for a loop. He might even think I was there first and I can tell him to go find his own bank.

If the ski mask works then there will be nothing left to do but breathe a huge sigh of relief, assure everyone he's gone, and rob the bank myself. The previous guy has already gotten everyone in the mood for a good robbing so I might as well just go with the flow. To be successful in this life you have to take advantage of every opportunity to rob banks that come along.

That's not to say the ski mask idea is sure to work, especially if the robber sees me putting it on. This can cause an awkward situation. He might buy that my face was getting cold, but more than likely he's going to think I'm up to some funny business. In this case it's good to know the psychological profile of a bank robber. Firstly, most bank robbers don't actually want to hurt anyone. Second, they often feel they've been cheated by society. And third, they have a real problem with being bankrupt. With all of these facts at my disposal I can try to talk him down by telling him I understand how he feels, but I have better things to do than sit in a bank all day.

Needless to say, by the time I'm through with the robber he's usually so upset he begins pacing around, ranting about disrespect, and wildly firing his weapon. Just as I had predicted. Now all we have to do is wait patiently until he runs out of ammo.

Eventually the police will arrive, and hopefully before anyone gets hurt. After all, if bullets have one defining characteristic, it's their desire to stay in motion. And who knows, maybe the robber will run out of ammo before the cops ever show up. Then I'll be able to pull out the gun I brought with me and get this whole robbery thing over with so everyone can go home.