Surviving the Wild

If you're like me, you've probably found yourself lost in the woods at least five times this week. And it's only Tuesday. This can be a very off-putting predicament, but I've found several ways to make my situation less threatening.

To begin, I want to share some of the things that I feel may contribute to getting lost in the first place. After all, if you don't get lost, you don't have to get found. Or, on the flip side, if you don't get found, you don't have to keep getting lost. Or, if you get lost while you're found, then you don't have to worry about losing your find. OR, if you're the founder, then the loser was never lost and the loster was never loose. As you can see, I am lost already, and I'm not even in the woods. This is why I feel I need to provide some guidelines for surviving the wilderness.

To get started, I'm simply going to go through the steps I take when going on a hike. Perhaps by writing it down like this, something will really jump out at me and say, "Well shucks, this is why I'm getting lost!" So let's see...one of the first things I do when getting ready for a hike is put on my walking shoes and look for a place I'm not familiar with. Why would I want to go someplace I've already been? That's boring. I want adventure. And I'm not going to find that by going someplace I've either already been, thought about going, or knew existed. So, I drive and drive until I find myself saying, "Where the #&*% am I!" If that means traveling to a different state or country, fine.

To a lot of people I'm probably making an obvious mistake already. And after writing it down like this, I'll have to admit, I see it too: I'm wearing walking shoes to go hiking. Of course I'm getting lost! When going for a hike, my feet are like my steering wheels.They guide me in the direction I want to go. How are they supposed to guide me correctly if they aren't dressed appropriately? It's like watching a woman try to run up a flight of stairs in high heels. Of course she's going to break all of her ankles and go crumbling to the ground. Good point, let's move on.

Once I've driven until I'm sure I don't recognize my surroundings, I spray myself with bug spray, apply some sunscreen, blindfold myself, and head toward what I think are the woods. I usually know I'm deep enough after I start running into tree after tree. Sometimes however, I'll take off the blindfold and realize I was just following a line of telephone poles. In this case I simply re-apply the blindfold and repeat until successful.

As soon as I'm in the heart of the forest I get really excited to start my hike. However, this also happens to be the time that I realize I'm completely lost. Just keep in mind, if you ever find yourself in this situation, there's no need to panic. You just have to think of all the safety and survival tips you've learned over the years. Since there's obviously no time to decide which one would be best, I simply use them all and quickly begin to stop, drop, and roll, "Just Say No," and then play dead. I have successfully run through every safety procedure known to man. Dying is not an option at this point.

I know a lot of people will read this and say, "Aren't you going a little overboard here?" And the answer is no. This is a matter of life and death. There's no such thing as going overboard. There's hardly even a board at all. Think about it. If someone was about to harpoon a shark that was trying to eat you, would you say, "I think you're going a little overboard"? The correct answer here is probably. The odds of getting eaten by a shark are so slim that it's basically equivalent to winning the lottery. You'd be crazy not to take it. Anyway, back to my dilemma.

I'm really remaining in control of the situation. If all else fails, I can even try the survival technique used by fish and just start flopping around on the ground for a while. They seem to think it's worth a shot. When you're in a predicament like this there's no such thing as a desperate maneuver.

One of these safety tricks is bound to work sooner or later. I just have to find which one, and preferably before the local wildlife realize I'm lost. After all, they're lost too, and they've been out here much longer than I have. They're cold, tired, and hungry, and I must look absolutely delicious flopping around.

If I do happen to be spotted by one of man's worst fears, an angry grizzly, there's no chance of survival. They're bigger, quicker, stronger, smarter, more punctual, tidier, classier, and far more responsible than I am. There's no way I'm making it out alive and it would be ridiculous to even try. I may as well take out my pocket knife and start slicing myself into bite size pieces. Hey, if I don't do it the bear will, and I hear they take their maulings very seriously.

Just before I begin slicing, however, I almost always regain my bearings and find that I wasn't in the middle of the woods like I thought, but more by the side of the road. I guess I was thrown off by all of the trees in front of me. It's times like these that I should have applied the survival technique of turning around. Here I was, rolling around, playing dead, and flopping on the ground right next to the highway for everyone to see. I must have looked like such an amateur.

Getting the Job

The work environment is getting more and more competitive. When looking for employment, you have to try extra hard to prove that you're the person for the job, the whole person for the job, and nothing but the person for the job, so help you god. So, I'm here to share some of the things I would do to really set myself apart from my rivals.

Let's take it from the top, getting an interview. I've found that getting an interview is just like dating. The more businesses I 'court', the more likely I am to find a real keeper. So, one helpful little trick I've learned is to play the 'numbers game'. This is where I send my resume to every single job posting I find. Be it online, in the newspaper, or on a bulletin board. If it's posted, they're getting my resume. Once this is done I can feel good knowing that I didn't leave any stone unturned, or any job flier pinned up for anyone else to see.

I'll admit, sometimes I find myself saying, "But I'm not qualified for every job." That, however, is when I realize I'm already going in with the wrong attitude. No wonder I'm unemployed! Do I see convicts out there saying, "Oh, but I'm not qualified to rob banks"? No! That's why they are where they are. They have a can do attitude, and I should too!

So, to help with my self esteem, I go look at myself in the mirror and say, "Wow, check me out, I have two eyes, two feet, opposable thumbs, and a brain. Why, that's all the necessary equipment to perform ANY job there is! Gee, I'm the greatest thing that's ever happened to anything...ever! Boy, I should start my own race of superior human beings except the only person that could join is me!! I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!! I LOVE ME FOR ALL I'M WORTH AND I CAN'T EVEN TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!" I NEED SOME SERIOUS HELP, AND IT'S GREAT!!!!!" There, now I'm ready.

Since I've applied to every job I've found, I simply sit back and wait for employer's calls to come rolling in. And you'd better just bet your buttons, they'll roll. I sent my resume to every single help wanted ad there was. The odds of not getting a call are so slim that they have yet to be discovered by scientists. I sent my resume to people that didn't even know they posted an ad, and the best part is, they didn't!

As soon as the first interview comes along it's essential to make a good first impression. I have to make absolutely certain that I not only look the part, but also act the part, smell the part, become friends with the part, and maybe take the part out for a nice seafood dinner. This may sound like a tall order, but I just have to remember, it isn't. All I have to do is think about the first thing an employer is expecting as soon as I walk into their office: a good, firm handshake, right? Well, I could do that if I want to make certain that I make no impression at all. The employer is greeted by firm handshakes during EVERY single interview, and quite frankly, he's sick of it. The name of the game here is making sure he remembers me, and I can't do that by simply doing what everyone else does.

So, what would I do to really one up this whole firm handshake business? It's simple. When he sticks his hand out for a handshake, I'd just slap it away and put him in a headlock. This will just scream, "I'm serious about this position", right away. Then, once his neck is securely fastened to my arm, I'd squeeze until I'm certain his breathing is cut down to a minimum. If it's firm he wants, then it's firm he's going to get. I have to make 110% sure he's going to remember me, forever. If he happens to look like a forgetful kind of guy, I'd just give him a good punch in the stomach. That ought to help his memory. In the most extreme cases I may even finish him off with a good, clean pile-driver. A good rule of thumb to keep in mind is, if he's not bleeding, he's not impressed.

I also have to make sure not to forget all the friendly banter while I'm making my impression. The standard, "Hello, how are you?", "How about that weather?" are all still very important to really please the socks off of him. When I go home after an interview I don't want to be thinking of all the things I could've, would've, should've done. I want to be thinking of all the things I did've done.

There you have it, the only real way I'd go about getting a job. Sure, there's also plenty of fake ways to do it too, but why would I want to waste my time with those? If nothing else, at least I can look myself in the eyes at the end of the day and say, "I may not have gotten hired, but that guy is going to remember me for the rest of his life." Being memorable is important.

Work is Getting Too Specialized

Work is getting way too specialized. First of all, it's become almost law that you borrow $3,906,945 from the bank to go to college and get a degree. Then, once your done getting the degree, guess what, you not only have to pay back the money you borrowed, but you also have to pay interest on the money you borrowed. This would be all well and good if the interest didn't increase the amount you owed by a good three to four hundred times the original amount borrowed. So, instead of paying back the 4 million dollars that you didn't have in the first place, you now have to pay back the $987,546,098,345.09 that you really don't have. Don't worry though, you have the rest of your life to never be able to pay it off.

And, if you think that's bad, once you're out there trying to find a job, you learn a very valuable lesson...you can't. You can't because you don't have any experience. Employers not only want you to have a degree in the field you're trying to get a job in, but they also require that you have at least 5 years of experience doing the EXACT job you're applying for. They don't just want experience from a similar position, oh no. By reading how detailed the requirements are, it's apparent that they want you to have experience in THAT position. Therefore, the only person qualified for the job is the person that had the job before they left the position.

So, now you're stuck washing dishes for 10 cents an hour while paying $432,567 a month in student loans. "That's fine", you think to yourself. "The economy is just bad". That's a nice thought, except for the fact that the next time you look for a job you realize that employers have gotten so specific about what they want that the requirements read: "10 year degree, 10 years experience (in THIS position), able to type 900 words per minute while printing, faxing, copying, and juggling, fluent in English, Spanish, Portuguese, Pig Latin, etc. If you're not already working in this position, don't apply." Come on man! I can brush up on my Spanish but where am I going to learn Pig Latin?! And how will I ever get experience in that position if they won't hire me because I've never worked in that position?!

This is totally unfair, but think of the alternative, actually getting hired. If you do happen to luck out and get a job, things really start to take a turn for the worse. Jobs have gotten so specialized, and there are so many people available to work, that each person has just one simple movement that they must perform over and over all day long. I hope you like turning your right wrist counterclockwise 30 degrees every 3 seconds because that's what you'll be doing if you get hired at a factory. You want to get a higher paying job? Good luck, because now that you've been hired for office work you'll be moving even less than you were at the factory. Yes, now you can look forward to sitting completely motionless in a chair, staring at a computer screen for 40 hours a week. And don't even worry about turning your head to look out the window anymore either, there is no window. Once you've put in a full day at the office, you'll know exactly how those giant stone monoliths feel.

All of this may sound like torture, but just think of how efficient it is. Think about how much money the CEO is making by turning you into a robot. Don't you feel better now?

OK, so now you're a robot making a little money, what's next? Well, you'll probably want to start putting some money away for retirement, right? No you don't. You want to use that money to pay your monthly student loan bills. Or perhaps you want to go out and buy a nice wardrobe for yourself to celebrate your skills at playing a statue at work. Wrong again, you want to use that money to pay student loan bills. Want to eat? Nope! You want to pay student loan bills! Start a family? Wrong! Student loan bills! Breathe?! Not anymore! Student loan bills!!

Don't worry though, these are just some of the things you get to look forward to once you graduate from college. I'm sure there are many, many more just waiting to be discovered! In fact, in another 10 years you'll probably be required to perform your job while unconscious. And then dead. What's that? You were never even born? Doesn't matter! Do we have the job for you!

Humans vs the Cosmos

In the beginning, the earth was the center of the universe. Once it was discovered that it was not, people thought to themselves, "Then it's the center of our galaxy." And when this turned up false they said, "Then it's obviously the center of our solar system." And when this was found untrue they said, "Well, clearly our planet is the only planet with life on it." And when life is found on another planet they'll say, "Well, our planet is the only one with intelligent life on it." And, when there is evidence of intelligent life elsewhere people will say, "Well, this is definitely the only planet with Ho-Ho's!" And, in millions of years when we find another planet out there in the infinite space that's made out of Ho-Ho's, they'll say, "Well, certainly our universe is the only universe out there!" And when it's discovered that there are infinite universes beyond our own, all contained in a 'unibundle', they'll say, "Well, it's quite obvious that we're the only unibundle there is!!" And when people finally fully grasp what infinite really means, that there is no beginning, middle, or end, they'll say, "Well at least we'll probably never FIND another planet where I'm eating THIS Ho-Ho while watching all THESE unique snow flakes fall to the ground on top of THIS very mountain at exactly 3 PM on a Tuesday while wearing one Scooby Doo sock and one Ghost Buster sock, chewing bubble gum, standing on one foot, thinking about sponges, an itch on my back, freshly clipped toe nails, stomach full of yams and tootsie rolls, and a longing for a piece of warm banana bread with butter!!!" And they will probably be right.

Impressing That Special Someone

If you're not a girl like me, then you're probably a guy like me. And, being a guy like me, you have probably found yourself in a situation where you really like a girl but just don't quite know how to impress her. Be it the girl in your homeroom, the girl next door, or your wife, you just never seem to be able to show her that you're the man for her. Well, I know this is a sticky subject for most so I'm just going to go ahead and lay down some basic sure fire tactics that'll just scream, "I'm Mr. Right you big, ugly moron!" to that special someone.

First things first, we have to clarify what women like. I think this is pretty simple. They want someone with brains, brawn, and two hands, and that's basically it. Now that we've narrowed down what they want, we have to talk about how to get them to go on a date with me so that I can show them I have the stuff dreams are made of. All women are created different, but if I were to simply go up to the lady I've been eying and just kind of start pulling on her hair, playing with her face, and buttoning and unbuttoning her sleeve, I should be in. These activities will really draw her attention to the fact that both of my hands are intact, and yes, I know how to use them. That's all it should take to get myself a first date. And if by chance it doesn't, I'll just say, "Hey girl, I'm fixin' on saving up for a new toaster." Girls love that kind of talk I'd imagine.

Now that I'm out on a date with her it's time to really shine. First, I'll show off how smart I am. This is easy. When I'm at dinner I'll just pull a brand new Rubik's cube out of my pocket and set it on the table and smile. She may give me a confused look at first and ask something like, "What is this for?" But I can't let her fool me. She thinks I solved it and she would probably murder someone for me already. She may also say something like, "Um, it looks like you just bought that thing and haven't messed it up yet." This can get a bit tricky. If I try to legitimately solve it in front of her I'll look like a legitimate moron. I'd have better luck throwing it in the washing machine during the rinse cycle than solving it myself. That's why I need to do the smart thing and pretend it's a big piece of candy and try to eat it.

Once I've shown her how smart I am, what's next? I have to prove I'm a man that can stand up for both of us if needed. To do this I'll just look for the biggest man in the room and make absolutely certain he's in a wheel chair. Then I'll go up to him and just smash him over the head with the biggest loaf of bread I can find. My date will probably act like she's all horrified by my actions and ask, "What's the matter with you?" But I don't have to worry, women never say what they really think, and she really thinks I'm sweet.

OK, now she thinks I'm a genius AND brave, now what? The last thing I have to do is listen to the things she says about her likes and dislikes and prove I'm her match. For instance, let's say she tells me she loves animals, what should I do? I should find the first person on the street that is walking a dog and start growling and gnawing on their hand until they let go of the leash. This way I can show my date that not only do I want the dog to be free, but I can also be a dog. Girls love dogs.

There you have it, the way into a woman's heart. If I just follow these steps I'll be married by next Tuesday. And, if by chance these things don't work for me, then the 'girl' I'm trying to impress is probably just my grandpa's old punching bag. I shouldn't worry. Mistakes like that happen all the time. I just need to get out there and find a real person!

Meeting the Neighbors

When you move to a new place, one of the first things you have to do is meet and make friends with the neighbors. This can be a tricky process but there are a few things I would do to make it go smoothly. For starters, I can knock on their door and ask whoever answers if they want to help me move my stuff into my house. If they say yes, neat, but if they say no then I'll just remind them that I'm going to be living next door and then sort of act like I might want to kill them.

Now that they're helping me move my stuff into my house, the next thing I have to do is check how friendly they are. A simple test is to tell them to carry in my washing machine and bathtub while I carry in a ball of yarn or something. I'll just sort of walk a step in front of them and stare back to see what kind of facial expressions they're making.

Once I've assessed their level of friendliness, the next thing I have to do is make sure they don't have any sort of anger management issues. After all, I'm going to be living next to this person. I want to know what they would do if I accidentally stole their refrigerator or unknowingly threw a brick at their horse. So, to check to see if they have anger issues I would just playfully run them over with my car while their carrying my stuff. I just have to be sure to give a little smirk to make sure they know I was only kidding. Most likely they'll give a little smile back as if to say, "I get you", but if they don't then I'll know I have a real bad apple on my hands. In this situation I shouldn't panic. I'll just simply tell them that I don't really much care for them and, once their done carrying my stuff in, they might as well just go home. They'll probably start crying and try to butter me up by saying things like their leg is broken or something. Let them throw their little tantrum, I'm not playing their game.

After I have assessed the predisposition of my neighbor, the next thing to do is check their degree of understanding. Who wants to be friends with someone that won't even let you use their pet gerbil as a drain plug for your sink? The way I would test for understanding in a neighbor would be to put on some old dirty clothes, smear ketchup on my face and hands, and then go roll around in the dirt. Once this is done I'll simply go knock on my neighbor's door and tell them I was trampled by their horse. If they start giving me lame excuses like they don't even have a horse then I'll know exactly what kind of person they really are. As a rule of thumb, just remember, everyone has a horse.

So there you have it in a nutshell. After I've run these simple tests on my neighbor I'll know if they're worth the time or whether I need to make them move out so that I may have a new neighbor.

A Crisis is Brewing

There is a major crisis happening right before our very eyes. No, I'm not talking about global warming or the spread of disease. Those things are mere child's play compared to what I'm referring to. And after I reveal this catastrophe you'll probably say to yourself, "Holy marbles, I can't believe I didn't see this before!" Or maybe even, "Oh my Jack Russel Terriers, he's right!" And to a lesser extent, "Oh hairy barrel horseshoes now."

What I'm referring to, of course, is celebrities giving their babies completely unnecessary and ridiculous names. At first glance this might just seem like a harmless trend but I think everyone will agree that it will most likely get blown into preposterous proportions. After all, what are we going to do when we have a Frying Pan and Tree Stump walking around out there among us? How will you feel when you have to say "Hi Biscuits, can I leave early on Friday?" to your boss? And, more importantly, how will the people that have been given a name like Curtain Rod or Soap Shavings feel about themselves? Clearly something needs to be done.

If you're not convinced that this is a huge problem then maybe the story of Johnny Appleseed will make you think twice. I know you've heard of the happy tree planting side of the story but I'm also sure that you haven't heard the other side of Mr. Appleseed's life. See, when Johnny was a young boy and first began to understand language he realized what his name stood for. And, as any young boy with a name like Appleseed would obviously do, he planted himself. He spent his childhood chest-deep in dirt, turning his sunburnt face to the skies whenever the rains fell. Later in Johnny's life he decided that if he couldn't take root next to his apple tree brethren then he would just plant them all over the place and wear a pan on his head.

I hope this illustrates the dangers of giving people inappropriate names. Sure, planting yourself is pretty harmless but what will a kid named Electric Chair Johnson or Knife Wound Jones try to do? Exactly. It must be stopped and you know it. Quit acting like it's not your problem because when Urinal Cakes Murphy comes to your home and tries to flush you down the toilet, it will be.

Crazy Mom

My mom is crazy. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Screw you no she isn’t”. But she is. She’s not like other moms in the way that other moms are like. As an example, let’s say you brought home one of those macaroni houses that you made in school and showed it to your mom. A normal mother would look at it and say “Oh that’s so cute” and then try to breast feed it or something. Not my mom. My mom would look at a noodle home and believe that this kind of design was the next big thing in home improvement. “Oh yah, I think were gonna start seeing a lot more of these going up around here in the not too distant future. If they thought particle board was cheap just wait until they get their paws on some noodle”

That’s my mom, always thinking of the possibilities. In fact, that’s what I used to call her as an infant, “possibility”. This reminds me of that time when I was born. It was a cold, dreary, night and the sun was illuminating everything on the other side of the planet. As I was just being brought into this world I distinctly remember my mom arguing with the doctor about cutting the umbilical cord. She wanted to keep it giving the doctor a look of “Well, I’m going to have to continue feeding the stupid thing one way or another anyway” But the doctor just wasn’t having it. He was one of these people that was all concerned with people’s appearances and apparently thought it would look too “silly” to walk around with a baby dangling.

After 36 months of intense debates of the pros and cons my mom finally said “Ok fine, don’t get your jolly ranchers all in a bunch, we can cut it” This made the doctor quite happy as he shouted out with glee. Without hesitation he quickly picked me up, tied me to the doorknob, and slammed the door. I’m not sure if that’s the standard way to cut an umbilical cord but I would have to say probably. I know my mom is still a little upset to this day that the cord was cut. Deep down, I know the real reason she didn’t want to cut it was because she really wanted to have a go at the human yo-yo championships, and the worst part is, you can’t even blame her. Believe me, I’ve tried, but in doing so I have realized that blaming her is pretty much exactly like trying to drink a glass of water with one chop stick and no arms. I can't do it and neither can you, so get off your high horse. But anyway I think that story really shows my moms unique personality. She can look at something like cutting an umbilical cord and say, “Hey, what if?” That’s the first time I called my mom possibility to her face.