Editing a piece for someone can be a tricky process. The author put a lot of effort into their writing so it's important to try and give constructive feedback that's not going to feel like an attack. People are sensitive, when correcting their work you have to realize there's a fine line between being helpful, and being hurtful.
To give an example, I'll start with something simple. Let's say I'm reading someone's work and I come to a place where the writer accidentally used the word 'there' instead of 'their'. No big deal, all I have to do is circle the word and go over to the margin and write, "Please learn the correct form of the words 'there,their, and they're.' You don't have to look like an idiot." The 'please' right in the beginning of my comment will show them I'm being nice, and now that they know that, they can feel confident that I'm not going to attack them as they read the rest of my note.
Upon getting to the last part, where I tell them they don't have to look like an idiot, they'll feel really good because I'm giving them hope. Sure, they may look like an idiot now, but I'm showing them that it doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't take much to ensure that I not only give constructive criticism, but also end on an uplifting note.
As I continue critiquing their work, I also have to be on the lookout for grammatical errors and poor sentence structure. This is very important. If the reader can't understand what the author is trying to say, they can't enjoy the story. That's why, if I come across something like a run-on sentence, I have to make sure to point it out while continuing to remain as positive toward the writer's work as possible. To do this, I'll want to simply take a black marker and blotch out the entire sentence. Once this is done, I'll go to the margin and write, "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all."
The 'If' in the beginning of my comment lets the author know that the statement they are about to read is conditional. This will make them feel good right away because they'll know whatever I'm about to say in the comment could be reversed if they do something. It's that whole hope thing again. As they continue to read my note, they'll be happy I implied they should only quite writing if they aren't going to do it right. This means, of course, if they are going to do it right, then they should continue with their work. In one inspirational little comment, I'll have successfully motivated them to not only continue writing, but to do it right.
OK great, now I can feel really good about giving helpful feedback while being sensitive at the same time. What's more, since I completely blotched out the run-on, they don't have to look at it and feel like a failure anymore. I've saved them from that.
Finally, once I've gone through and edited the entire piece with respect and care, the last thing I have to do is give my overall impression of the writing. This is perhaps the most important part of the whole critique. The author is going to read this and hope the editor ends on a positive note about their work. They want to hear things like, "I loved this, I see this going far", or "You have a real vision and your wit is second to none" , or maybe even, "Are you God?" These are all great, but I can do even better by saying four simple words, "I-couldn't-finish-this." Upon seeing this, the author will be forced to really think about what my comment means. Could I not finish it because it was terrible? Or was it because I found it so emotional and touching that I couldn't go on? They may think the first choice is more likely, but there's still a slim chance it could be the second one. It's always nice to leave people with a good mystery.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
How to Write a Horror Story
Writing a story is hard enough, but writing a story that will scare people is even harder. It takes imagination, visualization, punctuation, a work station, basically, anything that ends in 'tion'. But let's not get caught up in details.
When I sit down to write a horror story I have to remember that it's all about mood. I need to make absolutely certain that I set a dark, scary tone for the reader to be drawn into. This means there should be no light of any kind during the telling of my story. It takes place at night, in a cellar or basement, and the main character is blind. These three elements are key to creating a terrifying setting, and no successful horror story has ever been written without them. It's as simple as that. When my character bumps into a chair, they can't know it's a chair, they have to wonder if it's possibly a dead moose carcass. Think about it like this, if the protagonist walks into a well lit room, sees a chair on the other side, and walks over and runs into it, where's the suspense? Chairs are only scary if you don't know it's a chair, otherwise, it's just a chair. Writing a horror story is all about creating illusions with furniture.
Once I've established the perfect scary setting for my story, it's time to include some blood. This is an essential element to any horror tale. It creates a sense of urgency, and the more of it there is, the better. That's why I always have my blind basement character trip and fall into one of those little kiddie pools just filled with the stuff. As they struggle to get out of this horrific pool, they now have to wonder, did they trip over a roller skate, or someone's severed hand? See what I'm doing here? I'm turning a simple, everyday item into something terrifying, just like I did with the chair. Remember, a roller skate isn't scary on it's own, but if it might be a severed hand, now we have something to worry about.
Now that I have all of the elements needed to create a horror story, I have to bring in some twists. And, just like the blood, the more the better. Twists are necessary because they keep the reader guessing. Not only that, but if I let the reader assume one thing about something, and then change what they thought they knew, now they're going to have to question everything, and questions are scary.
Let's take my blind basement character again. Let's say he is walking around and all of a sudden decides that the moose carcass he ran into earlier wasn't a moose, but just an exercise bike. This is horrifying because now the reader wonders what else isn't what they were led to believe it was. They'll try to think about what other twists there might be, but won't be able to because they'll be too shocked by the bike. Imagine how scared they'll be when they find out the severed hand was just a power drill, and instead of tripping into a pool of blood, the main character decided he actually just fell in a puddle. Had enough? I hope not, because the protagonist wasn't even blind or in a basement, but just some dude walking around in his fully lit garage at high noon. Talk about terror.
Great, my horror story is really starting to shape up. I've included a dark setting, blood, and twists. The last thing I have to do is end it with a bang. Something that just blows the reader away. To accomplish this, what I'm going to do is make the entire story I just told into a dream that the main character had. That's right, nothing in the story was true, and now that the protagonist is awake, they realize they really are blind, in a dark basement, and with not one, but two pools of blood.
If I know how to write a horror story like I think I do, this ending will leave my audience gasping for air. I will have successfully rattled their mind, and it's not quite over, because now the main character has woken up for the second time, for real now, and he's just lying comfortably in his bed, or is he? I will go through and have the main character "wake up" as many times as I want, all while sending chills up and down my audience's spines as they wonder if he's truly awake this time, or if the story is just getting more twisty. If it was horror they wanted, they got it. But now I'm guessing they wished they hadn't wanted it. It's that scary.
When I sit down to write a horror story I have to remember that it's all about mood. I need to make absolutely certain that I set a dark, scary tone for the reader to be drawn into. This means there should be no light of any kind during the telling of my story. It takes place at night, in a cellar or basement, and the main character is blind. These three elements are key to creating a terrifying setting, and no successful horror story has ever been written without them. It's as simple as that. When my character bumps into a chair, they can't know it's a chair, they have to wonder if it's possibly a dead moose carcass. Think about it like this, if the protagonist walks into a well lit room, sees a chair on the other side, and walks over and runs into it, where's the suspense? Chairs are only scary if you don't know it's a chair, otherwise, it's just a chair. Writing a horror story is all about creating illusions with furniture.
Once I've established the perfect scary setting for my story, it's time to include some blood. This is an essential element to any horror tale. It creates a sense of urgency, and the more of it there is, the better. That's why I always have my blind basement character trip and fall into one of those little kiddie pools just filled with the stuff. As they struggle to get out of this horrific pool, they now have to wonder, did they trip over a roller skate, or someone's severed hand? See what I'm doing here? I'm turning a simple, everyday item into something terrifying, just like I did with the chair. Remember, a roller skate isn't scary on it's own, but if it might be a severed hand, now we have something to worry about.
Now that I have all of the elements needed to create a horror story, I have to bring in some twists. And, just like the blood, the more the better. Twists are necessary because they keep the reader guessing. Not only that, but if I let the reader assume one thing about something, and then change what they thought they knew, now they're going to have to question everything, and questions are scary.
Let's take my blind basement character again. Let's say he is walking around and all of a sudden decides that the moose carcass he ran into earlier wasn't a moose, but just an exercise bike. This is horrifying because now the reader wonders what else isn't what they were led to believe it was. They'll try to think about what other twists there might be, but won't be able to because they'll be too shocked by the bike. Imagine how scared they'll be when they find out the severed hand was just a power drill, and instead of tripping into a pool of blood, the main character decided he actually just fell in a puddle. Had enough? I hope not, because the protagonist wasn't even blind or in a basement, but just some dude walking around in his fully lit garage at high noon. Talk about terror.
Great, my horror story is really starting to shape up. I've included a dark setting, blood, and twists. The last thing I have to do is end it with a bang. Something that just blows the reader away. To accomplish this, what I'm going to do is make the entire story I just told into a dream that the main character had. That's right, nothing in the story was true, and now that the protagonist is awake, they realize they really are blind, in a dark basement, and with not one, but two pools of blood.
If I know how to write a horror story like I think I do, this ending will leave my audience gasping for air. I will have successfully rattled their mind, and it's not quite over, because now the main character has woken up for the second time, for real now, and he's just lying comfortably in his bed, or is he? I will go through and have the main character "wake up" as many times as I want, all while sending chills up and down my audience's spines as they wonder if he's truly awake this time, or if the story is just getting more twisty. If it was horror they wanted, they got it. But now I'm guessing they wished they hadn't wanted it. It's that scary.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
How to Write a Story
The amount of people out there who can write a good story are slightly outnumbered by the people who can't. I'd say it's about a 1 to 532 ratio, about. Even though these odds aren't very good, I still think that I'm one of the people who can. And, even though most people don't agree with me, I am also a person, and I do agree. Let's get started.
One of the major components of any good story is a plot. When I write I like to make sure the overall theme and storyline is interesting. This is why my subject matter is almost always centered around a tiger or avalanche. Both of these things are extremely exciting and makes the reader want to keep on reading. Think about it. Would you rather read a story about a guy that is shopping for a new hammer and then finds one and drives home? Or a story about a guy that is shopping for a new hammer and then finds one and gets eaten by a tiger after being caught in an avalanche? Exactly. Tigers and avalanches are fun because they're unpredictable. They can strike at any time and you always have to wonder about their motive.
Great, now that I have the perfect plot for my story, it's time to include characters that we can relate to. This is important because the reader needs to be able to put themselves into the story, as if it were happening to them. In order to do this properly, I need to create someone that says, feels, and does things that are familiar and believable to my audience. If, for instance, the protagonist in my story enjoys Rosie O'Donnell or getting stabbed, I can guarantee my readers won't be able to relate. There are very few people that enjoy these things, and if I say my character is one of those few, the reader will have to question if it's true.
How my character reacts to different situations is very important in making my story credible as well. If my protagonist is lying on the ground, bleeding to death from a tiger swipe for example, he probably isn't going to sit there and think, "I hope someone finds me soon." He's probably going to be sitting there thinking, "I wonder if an avalanche is coming." It's very important that the character thinks in logical and reasonable ways or I could risk losing credibility.
OK, so now I have an interesting plot and believable characters. The next step is description and detail. This is very important. I have to paint the picture for the reader since they can't actually see it themselves. Otherwise, the story will feel dull and flat. Let me give an example; which sentence is better, "The man stood and stared at the table that was sitting on the floor in front of him." Or, "The wrinkly, stinky, old man stared sinisterly at the bluish, whitish, greenish, four legged, wooden thing that was sitting conspicuously on the gray, new, just purchased from Sears carpeting, that was two, maybe two and three quarters, I'm not sure because the old man doesn't have a ruler, feet in front of him." Obviously, the second, more descriptive sentence was much better. It lets the reader know exactly what the character looks, feels, and smells like, while showing precisely what he's looking at, and where this object is located.
Furthermore, notice how I changed the word "table" in the first sentence to "thing" in the second. This effectively creates suspense as you wonder what this thing is that the character is looking at. I don't want to give the entire story away right off the bat. I need to give the reader something to think about.
Continuing this train of thought, I also made it clear in the second sentence that the table had four legs. This is important. Without it the reader would have wondered, "Is it possible that this table has just one or two legs?" Letting the reader think there's a two legged table in your story is a huge mistake. No one can relate to a two legged table and therefore you will have lost all merit.
Finally, the last part to writing a good story is a strong conclusion. What did the characters learn? How are their lives going to be different because of the events that took place? If my protagonist didn't change at all by the end of my story, readers will begin to wonder what the whole point of telling it was, but if my protagonist goes through significant changes, then the reader will wonder why I didn't think of better changes. Basically, no matter how the story ends, everyone is going to hate it. Furthermore, if the entire story was excellent until the end, then they will hate it even more because they'll think I ruined something that was good. That's why I always try to write bad stories right from the beginning.
In closing, there is no such thing as a good story. No one should try too hard to create believable characters or rich imagery because the ending is going to be terrible anyway. The best thing to do is write a horrible story all the way through, so when you crap on it with a poor ending, people won't be able to say you crapped on a beautiful gem, but just on another piece of crap. This will be much easier for the reader to swallow. I know it's a strategy that has worked wonders for my writing career. Don't believe me? Just look at the stack of rejection letters I've gotten from publishers. Do any of them say I ruined a good story? Not a chance. They say the entire thing was awful right from the beginning. Now that's something I can be proud of.
One of the major components of any good story is a plot. When I write I like to make sure the overall theme and storyline is interesting. This is why my subject matter is almost always centered around a tiger or avalanche. Both of these things are extremely exciting and makes the reader want to keep on reading. Think about it. Would you rather read a story about a guy that is shopping for a new hammer and then finds one and drives home? Or a story about a guy that is shopping for a new hammer and then finds one and gets eaten by a tiger after being caught in an avalanche? Exactly. Tigers and avalanches are fun because they're unpredictable. They can strike at any time and you always have to wonder about their motive.
Great, now that I have the perfect plot for my story, it's time to include characters that we can relate to. This is important because the reader needs to be able to put themselves into the story, as if it were happening to them. In order to do this properly, I need to create someone that says, feels, and does things that are familiar and believable to my audience. If, for instance, the protagonist in my story enjoys Rosie O'Donnell or getting stabbed, I can guarantee my readers won't be able to relate. There are very few people that enjoy these things, and if I say my character is one of those few, the reader will have to question if it's true.
How my character reacts to different situations is very important in making my story credible as well. If my protagonist is lying on the ground, bleeding to death from a tiger swipe for example, he probably isn't going to sit there and think, "I hope someone finds me soon." He's probably going to be sitting there thinking, "I wonder if an avalanche is coming." It's very important that the character thinks in logical and reasonable ways or I could risk losing credibility.
OK, so now I have an interesting plot and believable characters. The next step is description and detail. This is very important. I have to paint the picture for the reader since they can't actually see it themselves. Otherwise, the story will feel dull and flat. Let me give an example; which sentence is better, "The man stood and stared at the table that was sitting on the floor in front of him." Or, "The wrinkly, stinky, old man stared sinisterly at the bluish, whitish, greenish, four legged, wooden thing that was sitting conspicuously on the gray, new, just purchased from Sears carpeting, that was two, maybe two and three quarters, I'm not sure because the old man doesn't have a ruler, feet in front of him." Obviously, the second, more descriptive sentence was much better. It lets the reader know exactly what the character looks, feels, and smells like, while showing precisely what he's looking at, and where this object is located.
Furthermore, notice how I changed the word "table" in the first sentence to "thing" in the second. This effectively creates suspense as you wonder what this thing is that the character is looking at. I don't want to give the entire story away right off the bat. I need to give the reader something to think about.
Continuing this train of thought, I also made it clear in the second sentence that the table had four legs. This is important. Without it the reader would have wondered, "Is it possible that this table has just one or two legs?" Letting the reader think there's a two legged table in your story is a huge mistake. No one can relate to a two legged table and therefore you will have lost all merit.
Finally, the last part to writing a good story is a strong conclusion. What did the characters learn? How are their lives going to be different because of the events that took place? If my protagonist didn't change at all by the end of my story, readers will begin to wonder what the whole point of telling it was, but if my protagonist goes through significant changes, then the reader will wonder why I didn't think of better changes. Basically, no matter how the story ends, everyone is going to hate it. Furthermore, if the entire story was excellent until the end, then they will hate it even more because they'll think I ruined something that was good. That's why I always try to write bad stories right from the beginning.
In closing, there is no such thing as a good story. No one should try too hard to create believable characters or rich imagery because the ending is going to be terrible anyway. The best thing to do is write a horrible story all the way through, so when you crap on it with a poor ending, people won't be able to say you crapped on a beautiful gem, but just on another piece of crap. This will be much easier for the reader to swallow. I know it's a strategy that has worked wonders for my writing career. Don't believe me? Just look at the stack of rejection letters I've gotten from publishers. Do any of them say I ruined a good story? Not a chance. They say the entire thing was awful right from the beginning. Now that's something I can be proud of.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Getting Fit
It was a boring Saturday afternoon as I sat on my couch and gulped down the last of the box of powdered donuts. As I contently licked my fingers clean a terrible thought suddenly struck me; I was getting fat. I tried to deny it at first. I thought to myself that one box of donuts doesn't make a person fat, five or six does. And as I glanced to the opposite end of the couch I was delighted to count only three other already emptied boxes. Four boxes is clearly not five or six. The only reasonable conclusion I could come to was that I was not in fact fat, but within the completely normal and healthy range.
Happy with the settlement I had made, I got up off the couch and slowly dragged my feet into the kitchen where I locked eyes with another box of donuts on the counter. I licked my lips, went to grab them, but then thought about the five or six box rule I had made. If I ate this box it would make five. Troubling. But then I thought about the rule a little harder. There must be a loophole in there somewhere. I just have to find it. Then, it hit me. "Aha!", I thought. I said five OR six. What if the fat cut off is actually six? As I sat there debating I suddenly had another epiphany; I was fat. No denying it this time. When you look for loopholes in your own rules, you know you have a problem.
That was it, I thought, I was going to the gym. I adjusted the elastic band on my sweatpants with pride as I slipped on an old pair of slippers, grabbed the car keys, and headed off to the local fitness center.
Upon entering the gym I noticed something peculiar; the staff seemed absolutely ecstatic to see me. They smiled and jumped around with what I suppose was joy. I wasn't quite sure what they were so happy and excited about. Were they waiting for the day when I would join? Did they know me? Was I THAT fat? I didn't recognize them, but as I gazed into their eyes I couldn't help but notice their smile was so wide that the corners of their lips practically wrapped all the way around their face and almost touched behind their head. They also appeared to just kind of bounce everywhere they went instead of walk. This seemed to be the magical place of happiness and energy.
As I walked up to the front desk to buy a membership the young lady who was to assist me began spouting things off like, "Oh my god! Hi! What are your fitness goals?! I just did upper body today!! Tomorrow I may do lower body, but I don't know!!!? Wanna see me do a back flip?!! Weeee!!!!!!" Her hair sprung all over as she tried to push her enthusiasm to new heights.
I wasn't sure how to respond, but it didn't matter because she had already exploded at that point.
Once I had my membership, it was time to really get the workout my body needed. My first plan of attack was to find a machine suitable for a beginner like me. As I strolled through the gym I realized I couldn't even tell what any of the odd, metal fitness contraptions were for. I decided that most appeared to be nothing more than a big hunk of black and white steel that was twisted and contorted until it looked like something a giant beast had chewed up and spit out onto the gym floor. Some even had straps and seat belts dangling about. I wonder how fast they went when you used them. I also began to wonder if this was really a gym or some kind of Medieval torture chamber. The guy shouting and groaning across the room as he was either attempting to bring a pair of metal handles toward him, or keep them away from him as they pushed toward him pointed to torture chamber.
As I walked I finally found a machine that looked a lot less intimidating than all the others. It was just a simple gray, metal box type thing with an upper and lower level. With confidence, I climbed onto this piece of fitness equipment and attempted to figure out how to work it. First, I tried sitting in the lower level, as this was probably meant for beginners. It was a tight squeeze, but I manage to get into what seemed to be the correct position. Then, I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I tried doing some sit-ups but I kept hitting my head on the upper platform. I attempted to do push-ups but had to stick my feet out of one end because it wasn't quite long enough.
After I had exhausted all possibilities with the lower platform, I figured it was time to try out the top portion of this strange contraption. As I climbed out from the bottom and onto the upper platform, I realized there were a lot of strange exercise gizmos and attachments to play around with. One was just kind of a long stick with some strange cloth at one end, kind of like a sparring tool, and others were what appeared to be some sort of hand grips. Great, I thought, something I'm familiar with. I took the plastic, red hand grips in either hand and just began to squeeze away until I got a good burn going.
Once my hands and forearms were so fatigued that I couldn't possible do another rep, I wiped the sweat from my brow and decided to climb back down to the lower platform and pump out a few more push-ups. As I began crawling down the side, however, a personal trainer walked over to give me a few pointers. Normally, I like to be left alone, but I decided if I was serious about my fitness I should let him show me a thing or two, just in case I was doing something wrong.
When he got to me, I smiled and said 'Hello.' He gave me a bit of a strange smile back and just kind of scratched his head for a second. That's when I thought to myself, oh boy, here we go, I'm obviously using incorrect form. I took a deep breath and listened as he instructed me. The first thing he said was, "What are you doing on the janitor's cart?" The janitor's cart, so that's what this odd contraption was called. I told him I'd never heard of it before but I really felt like I was getting results. At that point he gave me a kind of confused stare. I didn't understand. Were beginners not supposed to be using this machine? He proceeded to tell me that I sprayed all of the cleaner out of the spray bottles that were sitting on the top platform that I was now dangling from. That's when it hit me, a janitor's cart, I knew it sounded familiar. And those weren't hand grips I was using at all. No wonder each squeeze kept dowsing me in a lemon scented mist. I thought it was some new workout method to keep people motivated to do the next repetition.
Needless to say, now that I was fully aware that this 'exercise machine' was just a janitor cart, I was a little embarrassed. Why didn't I recognize it sooner? I looked, felt, and, thanks to the cleaning fluid, smelt like a real amateur. I only hope I didn't look too silly as I clambered all around this cart trying to figure out how to operate it. No matter, I thought, I'm sure plenty of other members had made the exact same mistake.
From that day forward, I vowed to make sure I fully understood any gym equipment before using it. And, as a testament to that, I'd just like to say that I am now an active gym member and have mastered the 'elliptical machine'. Do I use it? No. But I could if I wanted to. Instead, I'm more interested in checking out this tall, metal contraption that has lots of little narrow steps on it. I think I heard other members call it a 'ladder'. I think I've heard of that before. Whatever it is, it looks like it's just what I need to push my fitness to the next level. The gym really is a rewarding place, just so long as you're not afraid to explore everything it has to offer. I'm just glad that whole janitor cart episode is long behind me. I hate it when I don't look professional.
Happy with the settlement I had made, I got up off the couch and slowly dragged my feet into the kitchen where I locked eyes with another box of donuts on the counter. I licked my lips, went to grab them, but then thought about the five or six box rule I had made. If I ate this box it would make five. Troubling. But then I thought about the rule a little harder. There must be a loophole in there somewhere. I just have to find it. Then, it hit me. "Aha!", I thought. I said five OR six. What if the fat cut off is actually six? As I sat there debating I suddenly had another epiphany; I was fat. No denying it this time. When you look for loopholes in your own rules, you know you have a problem.
That was it, I thought, I was going to the gym. I adjusted the elastic band on my sweatpants with pride as I slipped on an old pair of slippers, grabbed the car keys, and headed off to the local fitness center.
Upon entering the gym I noticed something peculiar; the staff seemed absolutely ecstatic to see me. They smiled and jumped around with what I suppose was joy. I wasn't quite sure what they were so happy and excited about. Were they waiting for the day when I would join? Did they know me? Was I THAT fat? I didn't recognize them, but as I gazed into their eyes I couldn't help but notice their smile was so wide that the corners of their lips practically wrapped all the way around their face and almost touched behind their head. They also appeared to just kind of bounce everywhere they went instead of walk. This seemed to be the magical place of happiness and energy.
As I walked up to the front desk to buy a membership the young lady who was to assist me began spouting things off like, "Oh my god! Hi! What are your fitness goals?! I just did upper body today!! Tomorrow I may do lower body, but I don't know!!!? Wanna see me do a back flip?!! Weeee!!!!!!" Her hair sprung all over as she tried to push her enthusiasm to new heights.
I wasn't sure how to respond, but it didn't matter because she had already exploded at that point.
Once I had my membership, it was time to really get the workout my body needed. My first plan of attack was to find a machine suitable for a beginner like me. As I strolled through the gym I realized I couldn't even tell what any of the odd, metal fitness contraptions were for. I decided that most appeared to be nothing more than a big hunk of black and white steel that was twisted and contorted until it looked like something a giant beast had chewed up and spit out onto the gym floor. Some even had straps and seat belts dangling about. I wonder how fast they went when you used them. I also began to wonder if this was really a gym or some kind of Medieval torture chamber. The guy shouting and groaning across the room as he was either attempting to bring a pair of metal handles toward him, or keep them away from him as they pushed toward him pointed to torture chamber.
As I walked I finally found a machine that looked a lot less intimidating than all the others. It was just a simple gray, metal box type thing with an upper and lower level. With confidence, I climbed onto this piece of fitness equipment and attempted to figure out how to work it. First, I tried sitting in the lower level, as this was probably meant for beginners. It was a tight squeeze, but I manage to get into what seemed to be the correct position. Then, I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I tried doing some sit-ups but I kept hitting my head on the upper platform. I attempted to do push-ups but had to stick my feet out of one end because it wasn't quite long enough.
After I had exhausted all possibilities with the lower platform, I figured it was time to try out the top portion of this strange contraption. As I climbed out from the bottom and onto the upper platform, I realized there were a lot of strange exercise gizmos and attachments to play around with. One was just kind of a long stick with some strange cloth at one end, kind of like a sparring tool, and others were what appeared to be some sort of hand grips. Great, I thought, something I'm familiar with. I took the plastic, red hand grips in either hand and just began to squeeze away until I got a good burn going.
Once my hands and forearms were so fatigued that I couldn't possible do another rep, I wiped the sweat from my brow and decided to climb back down to the lower platform and pump out a few more push-ups. As I began crawling down the side, however, a personal trainer walked over to give me a few pointers. Normally, I like to be left alone, but I decided if I was serious about my fitness I should let him show me a thing or two, just in case I was doing something wrong.
When he got to me, I smiled and said 'Hello.' He gave me a bit of a strange smile back and just kind of scratched his head for a second. That's when I thought to myself, oh boy, here we go, I'm obviously using incorrect form. I took a deep breath and listened as he instructed me. The first thing he said was, "What are you doing on the janitor's cart?" The janitor's cart, so that's what this odd contraption was called. I told him I'd never heard of it before but I really felt like I was getting results. At that point he gave me a kind of confused stare. I didn't understand. Were beginners not supposed to be using this machine? He proceeded to tell me that I sprayed all of the cleaner out of the spray bottles that were sitting on the top platform that I was now dangling from. That's when it hit me, a janitor's cart, I knew it sounded familiar. And those weren't hand grips I was using at all. No wonder each squeeze kept dowsing me in a lemon scented mist. I thought it was some new workout method to keep people motivated to do the next repetition.
Needless to say, now that I was fully aware that this 'exercise machine' was just a janitor cart, I was a little embarrassed. Why didn't I recognize it sooner? I looked, felt, and, thanks to the cleaning fluid, smelt like a real amateur. I only hope I didn't look too silly as I clambered all around this cart trying to figure out how to operate it. No matter, I thought, I'm sure plenty of other members had made the exact same mistake.
From that day forward, I vowed to make sure I fully understood any gym equipment before using it. And, as a testament to that, I'd just like to say that I am now an active gym member and have mastered the 'elliptical machine'. Do I use it? No. But I could if I wanted to. Instead, I'm more interested in checking out this tall, metal contraption that has lots of little narrow steps on it. I think I heard other members call it a 'ladder'. I think I've heard of that before. Whatever it is, it looks like it's just what I need to push my fitness to the next level. The gym really is a rewarding place, just so long as you're not afraid to explore everything it has to offer. I'm just glad that whole janitor cart episode is long behind me. I hate it when I don't look professional.
How to get a Raise
Getting a raise is one of the major goals of any employee. Before even taking a job we'll often first inquire about the possibility of advancements within the company. We want to know whether the starting salary is just that, the starting salary, or if it's just a kind of play figure that can be fondled once we're hired. Basically, before we even start a new job we already want more money. It's for this reason that I'm going to put down the blueprint that I would use for getting a raise at work.
So there I am, slaving away at my job for too many hours and not enough pay, how do I fix that? One of the more basic things I need to do is create the illusion that I'm working more when I'm actually working less. I'm already not getting paid enough. If I work hard then the deficit between too much work and not enough money will only widen. This is why it is imperative that I do as little as possible while making it look like I'm saving the world.
In order to pull this off, what I need to do is bring a bag of mud and a pair of scissors to work with me. Then, when no one is looking, I'll just smear the mud all over myself and cut holes in my jeans with the scissors. After this is done, all I need to do is walk around wiping my forehead and going, "Whew!" People will take one look at me and think I'm working really hard.
This is especially effective if I have an office job. As I'm walking up and down the sterile, spotless carpeting, past the rows of cubicles, someone will eventually look up from their computer and ask what happened to me. That's when I'll tell them I just busted out a weeks worth of reports this morning. At that moment, as they're looking at my tasseled, muddy hair and shredded khaki pants, they'll instantly know that reports don't stand a chance against me.
After awhile, as I'm walking around, my supervisor will come out of his office and say something like, "Why are you covered in dirt, moaning, and pacing in front of my office window?" I'll simply reply, "Oh, is that your window?" It's usually at this point that he'll send me home and tell me not to come back until I've 'cleaned up my act.' But that's just supervisor code for, "Wow, it looks like you've already put in a full days work and should take the rest of the day off." Bottom line, the hard work illusion seems to be taking effect.
The next day, when I go in to work, I'll walk straight into my supervisors office and demand a raise. I'll say, "I think we've both witnessed how hard I'm employing for you." If I use big words like 'employing' it'll seem like I'm really worth more money. Then, the supervisor will give his rebuttal by saying, "Do you work here?" That's when I'll know I have to ramp my efforts up a notch. He's not quite sold on giving me a raise, but he will be.
Once I leave his office I know exactly what I have to do, I have to make everyone else look like they're doing less work. This way I'll look even better by comparison. I have to remember that it's all relative, and if I go up and smash a co-workers computer, I'll look like I'm relatively better at having a computer that works. Clearly, I'll be able to do more employing than the next person if my computer isn't smashed.
The one thing I have to keep in mind when doing this is the fact that people don't like it when you make them look bad. So, after I smash their computer, they'll probably get angry and say, "WHY DID YOU SMASH MY COMPUTER?!" But I have to remember that it's not really about the computer, it's about them looking like a bad worker, and let's face it, they look horrible.
If I just go around the office smashing people's computers, putting protractors through their paper shredders, and stealing their work and passing it off as my own, I can ensure that I'll look as good as possible. I'll have created the illusion that I'm really putting in a hard days work compared to everyone else. And sure, my co-workers may get angry when it appears that they're terrible employees, but I'll just tell them it's only an illusion. If it were true, then they would have something to worry about.
OK, I'm doing everything in my power to get a raise, but then it happens, I get fired instead. What went wrong? The truth is, no matter how good of a worker you are, sometimes you're just not the right fit for a company. It's no one's fault, these things happen. All I have to do now is look on the bright side. Remember that deficit between workload and compensation, for instance? Well, now it's gone. I'm not doing any work and I'm not getting paid anything for it. Everything is completely balanced, just like it should be. All I need to do at this point is go out and find an employer who will appreciate someone that makes it look like they're working hard, even if they're really not.
So there I am, slaving away at my job for too many hours and not enough pay, how do I fix that? One of the more basic things I need to do is create the illusion that I'm working more when I'm actually working less. I'm already not getting paid enough. If I work hard then the deficit between too much work and not enough money will only widen. This is why it is imperative that I do as little as possible while making it look like I'm saving the world.
In order to pull this off, what I need to do is bring a bag of mud and a pair of scissors to work with me. Then, when no one is looking, I'll just smear the mud all over myself and cut holes in my jeans with the scissors. After this is done, all I need to do is walk around wiping my forehead and going, "Whew!" People will take one look at me and think I'm working really hard.
This is especially effective if I have an office job. As I'm walking up and down the sterile, spotless carpeting, past the rows of cubicles, someone will eventually look up from their computer and ask what happened to me. That's when I'll tell them I just busted out a weeks worth of reports this morning. At that moment, as they're looking at my tasseled, muddy hair and shredded khaki pants, they'll instantly know that reports don't stand a chance against me.
After awhile, as I'm walking around, my supervisor will come out of his office and say something like, "Why are you covered in dirt, moaning, and pacing in front of my office window?" I'll simply reply, "Oh, is that your window?" It's usually at this point that he'll send me home and tell me not to come back until I've 'cleaned up my act.' But that's just supervisor code for, "Wow, it looks like you've already put in a full days work and should take the rest of the day off." Bottom line, the hard work illusion seems to be taking effect.
The next day, when I go in to work, I'll walk straight into my supervisors office and demand a raise. I'll say, "I think we've both witnessed how hard I'm employing for you." If I use big words like 'employing' it'll seem like I'm really worth more money. Then, the supervisor will give his rebuttal by saying, "Do you work here?" That's when I'll know I have to ramp my efforts up a notch. He's not quite sold on giving me a raise, but he will be.
Once I leave his office I know exactly what I have to do, I have to make everyone else look like they're doing less work. This way I'll look even better by comparison. I have to remember that it's all relative, and if I go up and smash a co-workers computer, I'll look like I'm relatively better at having a computer that works. Clearly, I'll be able to do more employing than the next person if my computer isn't smashed.
The one thing I have to keep in mind when doing this is the fact that people don't like it when you make them look bad. So, after I smash their computer, they'll probably get angry and say, "WHY DID YOU SMASH MY COMPUTER?!" But I have to remember that it's not really about the computer, it's about them looking like a bad worker, and let's face it, they look horrible.
If I just go around the office smashing people's computers, putting protractors through their paper shredders, and stealing their work and passing it off as my own, I can ensure that I'll look as good as possible. I'll have created the illusion that I'm really putting in a hard days work compared to everyone else. And sure, my co-workers may get angry when it appears that they're terrible employees, but I'll just tell them it's only an illusion. If it were true, then they would have something to worry about.
OK, I'm doing everything in my power to get a raise, but then it happens, I get fired instead. What went wrong? The truth is, no matter how good of a worker you are, sometimes you're just not the right fit for a company. It's no one's fault, these things happen. All I have to do now is look on the bright side. Remember that deficit between workload and compensation, for instance? Well, now it's gone. I'm not doing any work and I'm not getting paid anything for it. Everything is completely balanced, just like it should be. All I need to do at this point is go out and find an employer who will appreciate someone that makes it look like they're working hard, even if they're really not.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Going to the Movies
Going to the movies is a pastime many Americans enjoy. It gives us a chance
to just relax and forget about life for a while. It's so important, in fact,
that we spend millions upon millions of dollars on theater tickets every year.
And, if current trends hold, it's expected to reach a trillion dollars a week
by this time next month, or so I've been thinking. This is why, when I go to
the movies, I want to make sure nothing stops me from having the good time that
I paid for.
One of the more obvious things I need to do is make sure the movie I go to is decent. This is very important given the fact that the number of bad movies has been on the rise in recent centuries. And sure, there are experts that will argue that it's only because movies didn't exist a century ago, but I'm not really interested in excuses. You can twist the facts and muddy the water all you like; it doesn't change the fact that there are a lot of bad movies out there. This is why I have to do my research before choosing one to go see on the big screen.
To do this research I simply watch movie trailers on television and wait to see if they say whether it's good or not. What most people don't realize is that often times it will tell you right in the preview if you should go see it. Phrases such as 'A must see!', for instance, let me know right away that I must see it. Then there are other movie ads that simply say 'Action packed!' or 'Heart-warming', but they never actually come out and say, "This movie is good." That's when I know that it probably isn't. If they can't even bring themselves to say it, it's probably for a reason.
Now that I've picked a movie to go watch because the trailer said it was good, it's time to buy a ticket and choose a seat. This seat selection is very important. I don't want to be too close because then I can only see about 3% of the screen at a time. And sure, I've gotten really good at flinging my head around so fast that I can piece together every shot as it unfolds, but I'm sick of head-butting the people next to me, and they're sick of it too. So I need to pick a seat that's about three quarters of the way back and in the exact center of the row.
It can get tricky if there isn't an exact center due to an even number of seats, but all I have to do is sit on the arms of the two chairs in the middle. If there are an odd number of seats then I have it made. Sometimes, however, there will already be someone sitting in the seat I want. In this case, I'll usually just go up and sit in their lap. For some reason, people don't really like sitting this way and say something like, "Get off me!" But that's when I tell them they could've just said, "Let's switch," and I would've gladly taken the bottom. Some people just don't know how to say what they mean.
Once I have the perfect seat it's time to relax and wait for the movie to begin. As I'm waiting, I always like to make sure everyone else is sitting in such a way that I can enjoy the movie to the fullest. If a really tall person sits in front of me for instance, I'll just politely tell him to sit on the floor.
Before the movie starts, I also like to make sure no one is doing anything distracting. Some of these distracting things include, texting, talking on the phone, or having a cell phone in their pocket. I can't watch a movie if I know someone in the audience has a cell phone that could ring at any time. That's why I usually get up and say, "OK, everybody's cell phones out, I'm going to go around and collect them." To my dismay no one listens to me when I do this. That's when I say it a little louder, until people start shushing me.
Eventually, everyone in the theater will get so irritated that they'll begin yelling at me and threaten to 'cram their cell phone down my throat'. That's when I know I'm getting somewhere. I say, "Aha! So you do have a cell phone!" I'll usually continue this and start throwing popcorn around the theater as I scream, "RING, RING, RING!!! Yeah, it's annoying isn't it?!"
After a while, as I continue trying to ensure the experience is enjoyable for everyone, a couple of bigger guys will come over and attempt to intimidate me by saying, "One more sound out of you and we'll rip your head off." But that's when my cell phone usually rings and I just tell them it's probably important and I should take it; then I run out of the theater. Talk about saved by the bell.
It really is amazing how some people just have no consideration. I mean, look at what just happened to me. Now, because of them, I wasn't able to watch a good movie that I paid to see. Next time the first thing I'll do is ask for everyone's cell phones before the movie starts. That way they won't have a chance to be annoying during the showing. Going to the movies truly is tricky business; people will ruin it for you if you let them.
One of the more obvious things I need to do is make sure the movie I go to is decent. This is very important given the fact that the number of bad movies has been on the rise in recent centuries. And sure, there are experts that will argue that it's only because movies didn't exist a century ago, but I'm not really interested in excuses. You can twist the facts and muddy the water all you like; it doesn't change the fact that there are a lot of bad movies out there. This is why I have to do my research before choosing one to go see on the big screen.
To do this research I simply watch movie trailers on television and wait to see if they say whether it's good or not. What most people don't realize is that often times it will tell you right in the preview if you should go see it. Phrases such as 'A must see!', for instance, let me know right away that I must see it. Then there are other movie ads that simply say 'Action packed!' or 'Heart-warming', but they never actually come out and say, "This movie is good." That's when I know that it probably isn't. If they can't even bring themselves to say it, it's probably for a reason.
Now that I've picked a movie to go watch because the trailer said it was good, it's time to buy a ticket and choose a seat. This seat selection is very important. I don't want to be too close because then I can only see about 3% of the screen at a time. And sure, I've gotten really good at flinging my head around so fast that I can piece together every shot as it unfolds, but I'm sick of head-butting the people next to me, and they're sick of it too. So I need to pick a seat that's about three quarters of the way back and in the exact center of the row.
It can get tricky if there isn't an exact center due to an even number of seats, but all I have to do is sit on the arms of the two chairs in the middle. If there are an odd number of seats then I have it made. Sometimes, however, there will already be someone sitting in the seat I want. In this case, I'll usually just go up and sit in their lap. For some reason, people don't really like sitting this way and say something like, "Get off me!" But that's when I tell them they could've just said, "Let's switch," and I would've gladly taken the bottom. Some people just don't know how to say what they mean.
Once I have the perfect seat it's time to relax and wait for the movie to begin. As I'm waiting, I always like to make sure everyone else is sitting in such a way that I can enjoy the movie to the fullest. If a really tall person sits in front of me for instance, I'll just politely tell him to sit on the floor.
Before the movie starts, I also like to make sure no one is doing anything distracting. Some of these distracting things include, texting, talking on the phone, or having a cell phone in their pocket. I can't watch a movie if I know someone in the audience has a cell phone that could ring at any time. That's why I usually get up and say, "OK, everybody's cell phones out, I'm going to go around and collect them." To my dismay no one listens to me when I do this. That's when I say it a little louder, until people start shushing me.
Eventually, everyone in the theater will get so irritated that they'll begin yelling at me and threaten to 'cram their cell phone down my throat'. That's when I know I'm getting somewhere. I say, "Aha! So you do have a cell phone!" I'll usually continue this and start throwing popcorn around the theater as I scream, "RING, RING, RING!!! Yeah, it's annoying isn't it?!"
After a while, as I continue trying to ensure the experience is enjoyable for everyone, a couple of bigger guys will come over and attempt to intimidate me by saying, "One more sound out of you and we'll rip your head off." But that's when my cell phone usually rings and I just tell them it's probably important and I should take it; then I run out of the theater. Talk about saved by the bell.
It really is amazing how some people just have no consideration. I mean, look at what just happened to me. Now, because of them, I wasn't able to watch a good movie that I paid to see. Next time the first thing I'll do is ask for everyone's cell phones before the movie starts. That way they won't have a chance to be annoying during the showing. Going to the movies truly is tricky business; people will ruin it for you if you let them.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Buying a New Car
When buying a new car, you're faced with a lot of important decisions. Should you buy new or used? What's your price range? Is gas mileage and performance a big deal, or would you be fine with a back-hoe? Since these are tough questions to answer, it makes purchasing a vehicle that much more difficult. That's why I'm going to show how I would go about making the final decision.
When going to any dealership, it's important that I don't get pushed around by the salesmen. I have to let them know that I'm not going to let myself be bullied into anything before I'm ready. That's why I always go to the dealership naked. This shows them right away that I'm on a very tight budget and will have to really think about my purchase. Not only that, but since I'm not wearing any clothes they'll be able to clearly see that I didn't bring any money with me. I'm not playing games. I didn't plan on buying today and they'll know it before they even approach me. When I go to a car lot, I need to go with my game face on. I need to prove I can play hard ball just like the rest of them.
Since I'm shopping for a new vehicle naked, none of the salesmen come over to hassle me. Now I can just search at my leisure and really look for a car that suits me. Once I find one that really catches my eye, it's time to get some help to see what kind of pricing we're looking at. And sure, the price tag may say $21,450, but that's not what it means. All a price tag does is show you the maximum they would charge for a car. Of course they wouldn't charge you more than what it's marked at. That means they would sell this particular car anywhere from $0 to $21,450. With that kind of range, when the salesman comes over I know exactly what price I'm going to be negotiating for, $15 -$25. This way the salesman will really feel like it's worth his time to go through the paper work, unlike if I went for the $0 dollar range. I have to remember, if I want great service I need to dangle a little extra incentive in front of them.
When I finally convince an associate to come to my aid, it's time for the negotiations to begin. First we'll make some small talk. I'll tell him I like his suit and he'll respond by asking if I want to borrow his jacket or something. This is always a good sign. It lets me know right away that he's really looking to make a sale. He's already trying to buttering me up with the whole jacket offer routine.
Now that I have him right where I want him, I go in for the kill. I'll casually look at the car and say, "How's $5 sound?" Of course I know he isn't going to go for this, but it's always good to start low rather than high. I can tell he isn't quite hooked by the way he says, "Very funny." But that's when I charge right in with the $20 offer. It's at this point that he starts laughing at me because he's so happy to have made a great sale.
He'll usually laugh for a good minute or so thinking that it's some kind of joke, but as soon as he realizes I'm serious, he changes his tone. It's at this point that he'll say something like, "I think you need some serious help." And I'll say, "No, I'm just not afraid to put down some serious cash when I see something I like." Then I pull out a wadded up 20 dollar bill that I had in my mouth. It's at that point that he goes into his office and calls the police. I guess I can't blame him. Here I was, implying that I didn't bring any money with me when I actually had 20 bucks in my mouth the whole time. I made him feel stupid and now the cops are arresting me for it.
As the cops take me away I just tell the salesman to save the car for me and I'll be back to pick it up tomorrow. I can tell he feels bad about the whole arrest by the way he doesn't make eye contact. It's OK though, I'll just use the $20 to bribe the cops into dropping me back off at the mental institute. Then I'll use my negotiation skills to get placed into a higher security room. That's right, it's time for hard ball, and I've reapplied my game face.
When going to any dealership, it's important that I don't get pushed around by the salesmen. I have to let them know that I'm not going to let myself be bullied into anything before I'm ready. That's why I always go to the dealership naked. This shows them right away that I'm on a very tight budget and will have to really think about my purchase. Not only that, but since I'm not wearing any clothes they'll be able to clearly see that I didn't bring any money with me. I'm not playing games. I didn't plan on buying today and they'll know it before they even approach me. When I go to a car lot, I need to go with my game face on. I need to prove I can play hard ball just like the rest of them.
Since I'm shopping for a new vehicle naked, none of the salesmen come over to hassle me. Now I can just search at my leisure and really look for a car that suits me. Once I find one that really catches my eye, it's time to get some help to see what kind of pricing we're looking at. And sure, the price tag may say $21,450, but that's not what it means. All a price tag does is show you the maximum they would charge for a car. Of course they wouldn't charge you more than what it's marked at. That means they would sell this particular car anywhere from $0 to $21,450. With that kind of range, when the salesman comes over I know exactly what price I'm going to be negotiating for, $15 -$25. This way the salesman will really feel like it's worth his time to go through the paper work, unlike if I went for the $0 dollar range. I have to remember, if I want great service I need to dangle a little extra incentive in front of them.
When I finally convince an associate to come to my aid, it's time for the negotiations to begin. First we'll make some small talk. I'll tell him I like his suit and he'll respond by asking if I want to borrow his jacket or something. This is always a good sign. It lets me know right away that he's really looking to make a sale. He's already trying to buttering me up with the whole jacket offer routine.
Now that I have him right where I want him, I go in for the kill. I'll casually look at the car and say, "How's $5 sound?" Of course I know he isn't going to go for this, but it's always good to start low rather than high. I can tell he isn't quite hooked by the way he says, "Very funny." But that's when I charge right in with the $20 offer. It's at this point that he starts laughing at me because he's so happy to have made a great sale.
He'll usually laugh for a good minute or so thinking that it's some kind of joke, but as soon as he realizes I'm serious, he changes his tone. It's at this point that he'll say something like, "I think you need some serious help." And I'll say, "No, I'm just not afraid to put down some serious cash when I see something I like." Then I pull out a wadded up 20 dollar bill that I had in my mouth. It's at that point that he goes into his office and calls the police. I guess I can't blame him. Here I was, implying that I didn't bring any money with me when I actually had 20 bucks in my mouth the whole time. I made him feel stupid and now the cops are arresting me for it.
As the cops take me away I just tell the salesman to save the car for me and I'll be back to pick it up tomorrow. I can tell he feels bad about the whole arrest by the way he doesn't make eye contact. It's OK though, I'll just use the $20 to bribe the cops into dropping me back off at the mental institute. Then I'll use my negotiation skills to get placed into a higher security room. That's right, it's time for hard ball, and I've reapplied my game face.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Halloween
Halloween is one of the most exciting holidays of the year. It's the only day that you are given a license to go out and cause mischief without being punished. As an adult, I feel we have a duty to make this event as fun as possible for the children of the neighborhood. Not only should we be obligated to give candy to the trick-or-treaters, but we should also be obligated to go out of our way to make sure they have an excellent time.
When we talk about Halloween, we have to talk about pranks. After all, that's one of the major components of any memorable 31st of October. Kids go around toilet papering houses, throwing eggs at cars, and playing a million other tricks on unsuspecting victims. They love pranks. Furthermore, the last thing they want is to go through Halloween without getting pranked in return. They went out of their way to egg my car, so now I have an obligation to return the favor in any manner I see fit.
So it's a dark Halloween night and the children are out trick-or-treating in force. In order to really give them what they want, I first have to decide what that is exactly; beyond the basic prankings. This isn't too difficult. Kids really like candy and being frightened, especially on a night such as this. With this in mind, all I need to do is wait for them to come knock on my door, give them some candy corn, and then take out a machete and act like I'm going to kill them. This works because children find murder scary. As they turn and run away I always feel profound joy knowing I just gave them exactly what they wanted; a little candy mixed in with a little fright.
Usually, as a little added bonus, I'll shout things at the kids as they're running like, "AFTER I KILL YOU I'M COMING FOR YOUR PARENTS!" Then I'll shoot a rifle in the air or something. This way I can ensure that the fright won't wear off too early and they can really enjoy the rest of their night.
As it turns out, rifle shots are a really good way to scare not only the trick-or-treaters that came to my house, but everyone else in the neighborhood too. I usually do such a good job, in fact, that I won't get anymore knocks on my door for the rest of the night. That's why I have to go out and search for more children to scare. And I know you're probably thinking, "Aren't you going pretty far out of your way?" Yes, I am, but it's for the children.
So I'm out driving around looking for kids to startle. One of the first things I'll do is pull my van up next to a dark alley and tell any trick-or-treater I see that I have candy. What's great about this is, it may not scare the children all that much, but if they have a parent with them, the parent seems to get really freaked out. I just laugh to myself thinking how parents are even easier to scare than children in a lot of ways. Here I am, sitting in my van offering candy to only the children, and it's the parents that are all spooked. Go figure.
When we talk about Halloween, we have to talk about pranks. After all, that's one of the major components of any memorable 31st of October. Kids go around toilet papering houses, throwing eggs at cars, and playing a million other tricks on unsuspecting victims. They love pranks. Furthermore, the last thing they want is to go through Halloween without getting pranked in return. They went out of their way to egg my car, so now I have an obligation to return the favor in any manner I see fit.
So it's a dark Halloween night and the children are out trick-or-treating in force. In order to really give them what they want, I first have to decide what that is exactly; beyond the basic prankings. This isn't too difficult. Kids really like candy and being frightened, especially on a night such as this. With this in mind, all I need to do is wait for them to come knock on my door, give them some candy corn, and then take out a machete and act like I'm going to kill them. This works because children find murder scary. As they turn and run away I always feel profound joy knowing I just gave them exactly what they wanted; a little candy mixed in with a little fright.
Usually, as a little added bonus, I'll shout things at the kids as they're running like, "AFTER I KILL YOU I'M COMING FOR YOUR PARENTS!" Then I'll shoot a rifle in the air or something. This way I can ensure that the fright won't wear off too early and they can really enjoy the rest of their night.
As it turns out, rifle shots are a really good way to scare not only the trick-or-treaters that came to my house, but everyone else in the neighborhood too. I usually do such a good job, in fact, that I won't get anymore knocks on my door for the rest of the night. That's why I have to go out and search for more children to scare. And I know you're probably thinking, "Aren't you going pretty far out of your way?" Yes, I am, but it's for the children.
So I'm out driving around looking for kids to startle. One of the first things I'll do is pull my van up next to a dark alley and tell any trick-or-treater I see that I have candy. What's great about this is, it may not scare the children all that much, but if they have a parent with them, the parent seems to get really freaked out. I just laugh to myself thinking how parents are even easier to scare than children in a lot of ways. Here I am, sitting in my van offering candy to only the children, and it's the parents that are all spooked. Go figure.
Once I run out of candy I decide it's time to step it up a notch. All the threats and gunshots were a good primer, but I know I can do better, and the children deserve better, too. They're our future, after all, which is why I need to present them with the possibility that they might not have one. I need to really get their wheels turning, spinning, and flying off the handle. I also need a chainsaw.
Now that I have what is arguably the scariest Halloween prop of all time, I can feel confident no one will end the night disappointed. As I lurk around the corner with my chainsaw idling, I just wait for an unsuspecting victim. Though, after a few minutes I start to worry I'll run out of gas before I get to scare anyone. After thinking for another minute I decide I owe it to the children to go tearing around the corner and chase them down. As I'm sprinting down the street I wave the chainsaw wildly over my head while screaming, "I'LL MAKE SHORT WORK OF YOU!". Then I shoot my rifle in the air again for added effect.
As I continue to run towards the children like a crazed lunatic, my arm starts getting tired from holding the chainsaw over my head. I'm almost in range, though, so I try to keep at it for just a few more steps. Then, just as I make it within a few feet of them, my arm gives out and I drop the chainsaw on my foot. I would say it was an unfortunate accident, but when I look at the children's faces, all covered in fear and blood spray, I realize it was actually a happy accident. There's no way I could've come up with that on my own.
After the night is through I can go home and feel great knowing that I gave everyone just what they were looking for. I gave the children candy and the prospect of being murdered, and I gave the parents a spook without even trying. I just hope I can be as effective next year, when I try fake kidnapping a child and then return them in the morning. Boy, will everyone be relieved when they realize it was only a harmless Halloween prank and not a real kidnapping. They'll probably try giving me some kind of award, which will be embarrassing because I won't have anyone to thank but myself.
After the night is through I can go home and feel great knowing that I gave everyone just what they were looking for. I gave the children candy and the prospect of being murdered, and I gave the parents a spook without even trying. I just hope I can be as effective next year, when I try fake kidnapping a child and then return them in the morning. Boy, will everyone be relieved when they realize it was only a harmless Halloween prank and not a real kidnapping. They'll probably try giving me some kind of award, which will be embarrassing because I won't have anyone to thank but myself.
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