I love eating out. Enjoying food that someone else made and then not having to clean up afterwords is a wonderful feeling. There can also be pitfalls, though. If you're sitting at a diner, excited about your meal but then it turns out to not be very good, you feel extremely let down. That's why I have found that it's best not to have high expectations. Then, if the food is bad, so what. I already figured it would be and I can feel good knowing I was right. But if it's delicious, it's a pleasant surprise.
Since it's so important to assume that the food is going to be terrible, when the waiter comes over to take my order I like to say things like, "I bet your mashed potatoes are made with lard and dog poop, huh?" Now they know I'm really gearing up to enjoy my meal.
When my food finally arrives I can all but guarantee I'm going to like it. Rarely do any foods actually taste like dog poop, which is what I have myself expecting. But, I also have to make sure I don't let on that I'm satisfied with it either. Otherwise, the waiter will automatically think he has a big tip in the bag and start slacking on his services. This is why I have to spit most of my meal out on the floor. Now whether I'm liking it or not is up in the air and the waiter will still feel like he has to work for his tip.
After I have most of my food chewed up and on the floor, it's time to order some dessert. I wasn't able to eat most of my meal so I'm still quite hungry. When the waiter comes over I'll ask for a hot fudge sundae with whip cream and a cherry on top. Then, to make sure he knows I'm not expecting to like it, when he brings it to me I'll just politely smush it in his face. He'll probably really start to worry about his tip at this point. On one hand, I did order a lot of food, but on the other, most of it is on his face or the floor. This worrying will ensure I end my diner experience with great service.
Now that I have finished with the meal and dessert, I just have to sit and watch the waiter clear the table. This part is very important because he knows it's his last chance to make a good impression. Not only that, but now it's my job to make sure his expectations of a big tip aren't too high. If I let him think he's going to be getting this huge tip and then it doesn't meet what he was anticipating, he'll be sad. But if it's more than he thought, he'll be quite pleased. So, to make sure he assumes the tip won't be very good I'll just tell him I plan on mugging him in the parking lot after his shift is over. This should give him the inkling that I'm probably not a very good tipper.
Once everything is said and done and I get the check I have to be sure not to leave him anything extra. This guy thinks I'm going to mug him later. If I leave him a tip it will clash with my mugger profile and he'll wonder what in the world my deal is. If there's one thing waiters hate more than a bad tipper, it's confusion. Furthermore, now that he really believes I'm going to attack him in the parking lot he'll be overwhelmed with joy when I probably don't. Except I'm going to. Only instead of tackling him to the ground and stealing his money, I'm going to taser him and stuff a dollar bill into his pocket. Now he gets the best of both worlds. He isn't confused as to why I didn't attack him when I promised I would, and he gets a tip. I'm basically every waiters dream customer and he'll probably be absolutely ecstatic to see me when I come back for dinner in an hour.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Making the Sale
If you're in any kind of sales profession, being able to sell is probably one of the most important aspects of your job. You need to take an object, any object, and force the customer into believing they need it. If they came into an electronics store thinking, "I could use a couple of D batteries," I have to make sure they leave thinking, "Yes, I probably would have died without this programmable bionic android." A large part of being a good salesman is the ability to scare people into buying robots.
Before I can convince someone to buy a robot, however, I first have to make sure I'm dressed appropriately. I need to look like a person who knows what they're talking about. That's why I wear four or more ties around my neck, and one around my forehead. Now I look like a real professional who takes their job seriously.
Once I am able to convince people that I'm serious, it's time to practice my sales pitch. To make sure I'm ready to deal with real customers, I usually try selling a product to myself first. If I can't even persuade myself to buy it, then how will I persuade anyone else? This can take quite some time, but after a few tries and a little coaxing, I would almost always buy anything I'm selling.
After I have my sales pitch down, I have to lure customers into my store. So I simply hang a sign above the front door that says, "Buy 1 get 5 free!" This is sure to get attention. But, since I can't really afford that kind of sale, when people come in I'll just tell them it's more of a "Buy 1 and you can buy 5 more" deal.
Once I've honed my advertising tactics, it's time to sell as many products as possible by pushing add-ons. If they're buying a television remote, for instance, I can tell them it won't work without batteries. If they're buying an extension cord, I can tell them it won't work without a washing machine. And if they're buying a washing machine, I can tell them it won't work without a certified-authentic Eli Whitney Cotton Gin.
So there you have it, how I make a sale. And sure, every now and then someone will come in asking why I told them they needed a home entertainment system to operate their mouse pad, but I just tell them it's none of their business. Then I convince them to buy a robot.
Before I can convince someone to buy a robot, however, I first have to make sure I'm dressed appropriately. I need to look like a person who knows what they're talking about. That's why I wear four or more ties around my neck, and one around my forehead. Now I look like a real professional who takes their job seriously.
Once I am able to convince people that I'm serious, it's time to practice my sales pitch. To make sure I'm ready to deal with real customers, I usually try selling a product to myself first. If I can't even persuade myself to buy it, then how will I persuade anyone else? This can take quite some time, but after a few tries and a little coaxing, I would almost always buy anything I'm selling.
After I have my sales pitch down, I have to lure customers into my store. So I simply hang a sign above the front door that says, "Buy 1 get 5 free!" This is sure to get attention. But, since I can't really afford that kind of sale, when people come in I'll just tell them it's more of a "Buy 1 and you can buy 5 more" deal.
Once I've honed my advertising tactics, it's time to sell as many products as possible by pushing add-ons. If they're buying a television remote, for instance, I can tell them it won't work without batteries. If they're buying an extension cord, I can tell them it won't work without a washing machine. And if they're buying a washing machine, I can tell them it won't work without a certified-authentic Eli Whitney Cotton Gin.
So there you have it, how I make a sale. And sure, every now and then someone will come in asking why I told them they needed a home entertainment system to operate their mouse pad, but I just tell them it's none of their business. Then I convince them to buy a robot.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Being a Teacher
Having a classroom full of elementary students can be intimidating. As a teacher, I have all of these little people staring at me like I'm going to say something important, even though I hadn't planned on it. This is scary, but I can't let it stop me from giving these kids what they deserve; a quality education.
In order to create the best learning environment, I need to set the classroom up in a way that everyone will feel comfortable with, especially me, the teacher. If I'm not comfortable then I won't be able to instruct correctly. This is why I have my students turn their desks and face the back of the classroom. Now I can feel better knowing no one is staring at me. Public speaking is everyone's number one fear, but it's much more manageable if no one is actually looking at you.
Not only do I feel more comfortable if the students are facing the back wall, but now they have the opportunity to broaden their horizons. Anyone can learn when they're looking directly at an instructor, so where's the challenge? I need to create a situation in which the student is forced to rely less on vision, and more on instinct. Once they are able to feel what I am demonstrating, as opposed to seeing, I'll know I'm doing my job. It's just like in those martial arts movies where the trainer blindfolds his pupil in order to make them more in touch with their body. Then, because of this, they're able to karate chop a board with their hand or something. I'm doing the same thing, except instead of karate chopping a board with their hand, my students are karate chopping math problems with their brain. In a lot of ways, it's just as impressive.
Once I have my classroom set up in the most learning conducive manner, it's time to teach. What most people don't realize is that teaching is an art form. That's why I paint all of my lessons on construction paper. Why tell my students about something when I can show them? If I need to teach about the Civil War, for instance, I know a few squiggles strategically placed on red paper will symbolize it better than words ever could. The students will take one look at my masterful rendering and, because of my fine detail, know everything they need to know about the war.
Through my paintings, I'll be able to teach my students a full years worth of material in one day. I just smile when I think about how pleased all the parents must be with my hands on learning techniques. Just the other day I had a mother call me at my home telling me I have her daughter thinking the dinosaurs are just a bunch of big, green blobs on brown paper. I just laughed and said, "Don't worry, my teaching techniques have failed with every other group of students in the past, but I have a much better feeling about this one."
I have to admit, sometimes I'll come to a topic that I find quite difficult to paint. That's when I turn to interpretive dance instead. Nothing describes Benjamin Franklin better than a couple of smooth moves executed at precise timing and rhythm. But, since my backward facing students aren't able to actually see me dancing, they'll have to use their intuition. This is where their minds will really begin to perform that mental karate chop.
At the end of the school year, when my students have failed every test that was administered, I can feel good knowing that I've set many of them up to be dancers. That's what being a teacher is all about, giving students the ammunition they need to flunk out of school in order to pursue their artistic dreams.
In order to create the best learning environment, I need to set the classroom up in a way that everyone will feel comfortable with, especially me, the teacher. If I'm not comfortable then I won't be able to instruct correctly. This is why I have my students turn their desks and face the back of the classroom. Now I can feel better knowing no one is staring at me. Public speaking is everyone's number one fear, but it's much more manageable if no one is actually looking at you.
Not only do I feel more comfortable if the students are facing the back wall, but now they have the opportunity to broaden their horizons. Anyone can learn when they're looking directly at an instructor, so where's the challenge? I need to create a situation in which the student is forced to rely less on vision, and more on instinct. Once they are able to feel what I am demonstrating, as opposed to seeing, I'll know I'm doing my job. It's just like in those martial arts movies where the trainer blindfolds his pupil in order to make them more in touch with their body. Then, because of this, they're able to karate chop a board with their hand or something. I'm doing the same thing, except instead of karate chopping a board with their hand, my students are karate chopping math problems with their brain. In a lot of ways, it's just as impressive.
Once I have my classroom set up in the most learning conducive manner, it's time to teach. What most people don't realize is that teaching is an art form. That's why I paint all of my lessons on construction paper. Why tell my students about something when I can show them? If I need to teach about the Civil War, for instance, I know a few squiggles strategically placed on red paper will symbolize it better than words ever could. The students will take one look at my masterful rendering and, because of my fine detail, know everything they need to know about the war.
Through my paintings, I'll be able to teach my students a full years worth of material in one day. I just smile when I think about how pleased all the parents must be with my hands on learning techniques. Just the other day I had a mother call me at my home telling me I have her daughter thinking the dinosaurs are just a bunch of big, green blobs on brown paper. I just laughed and said, "Don't worry, my teaching techniques have failed with every other group of students in the past, but I have a much better feeling about this one."
I have to admit, sometimes I'll come to a topic that I find quite difficult to paint. That's when I turn to interpretive dance instead. Nothing describes Benjamin Franklin better than a couple of smooth moves executed at precise timing and rhythm. But, since my backward facing students aren't able to actually see me dancing, they'll have to use their intuition. This is where their minds will really begin to perform that mental karate chop.
At the end of the school year, when my students have failed every test that was administered, I can feel good knowing that I've set many of them up to be dancers. That's what being a teacher is all about, giving students the ammunition they need to flunk out of school in order to pursue their artistic dreams.
Monday, November 16, 2009
An Interview with the Terminator
Q: What would you say was your favorite movie role of all time?
A: Any one where I have the highest probability of terminating.
Q: Who inspired you when you were young?
A: No one. I inspired them.
Q: What's your favorite color?
A: Blood.
Q: Underneath your hard exterior, is there a softer side?
A: No. There's a metal endoskeleton.
Q: What's your idea of a good time?
A: Going to the beach and terminating everyone. Then, going to the movies and doing some more terminating. And finally, calculating the probability of successfully terminating all suspects who might wish to terminate my terminations...and then terminating them.
Q: Who's your favorite actor?
A: The eighteen wheeler in Joy Ride.
Q: Any idea where you'll be in 5 years?
A: Negative. The future is not set.
Q: If you could do it all over again, would you?
A: 35 years from now, I will.
Q: What is your blood type?
A: Negative.
Q: How much can you bench press?
A: All of it.
Q: Any pet peeves?
A: When people don't give me their clothes, their boots, and their motorcycle.
Q: Do you have any advice that you'd like to give today's youth?
A: Don't be John Connor.
Q: Have you ever had any second thoughts about your career path?
A: No. Only first thoughts about terminating.
Q: Have you ever been in love?
A: Negative. That is not a mission objective.
Q: Any regrets?
A: I cannot self-terminate.
A: Any one where I have the highest probability of terminating.
Q: Who inspired you when you were young?
A: No one. I inspired them.
Q: What's your favorite color?
A: Blood.
Q: Underneath your hard exterior, is there a softer side?
A: No. There's a metal endoskeleton.
Q: What's your idea of a good time?
A: Going to the beach and terminating everyone. Then, going to the movies and doing some more terminating. And finally, calculating the probability of successfully terminating all suspects who might wish to terminate my terminations...and then terminating them.
Q: Who's your favorite actor?
A: The eighteen wheeler in Joy Ride.
Q: Any idea where you'll be in 5 years?
A: Negative. The future is not set.
Q: If you could do it all over again, would you?
A: 35 years from now, I will.
Q: What is your blood type?
A: Negative.
Q: How much can you bench press?
A: All of it.
Q: Any pet peeves?
A: When people don't give me their clothes, their boots, and their motorcycle.
Q: Do you have any advice that you'd like to give today's youth?
A: Don't be John Connor.
Q: Have you ever had any second thoughts about your career path?
A: No. Only first thoughts about terminating.
Q: Have you ever been in love?
A: Negative. That is not a mission objective.
Q: Any regrets?
A: I cannot self-terminate.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Competition Gone Wild
Humans are an interesting species. We walk on two feet, cover our bodies with decorated pieces of cloth, and are terrified of dirt. There certainly isn't any other animal out there quite like us, and that's probably a very good thing. Not that we don't have our strong points, we just have so many more neurotic ones that it drowns out any detectable sanity we have left.
To really drive this point home, I want to look at one of the more bizarre traits we humans possess; our competitive mind set. At first glance, competition seems like a completely natural and even necessary function for living organisms. It's the whole survival of the fittest idea. And although that's all well and good, we homo sapiens have taken competition to a whole new level. Let's take sports for instance. There are a huge number of athletes and sports fans in the world, all of whom have the same goal in mind; winning. Why is it so important to us? No one knows. We humans have just decided that if you're better at catching a ball or beating everyone in a foot race, you deserve a special prize. Are you actually helping anyone? No. Have you just made the world a better place? No. Did you accomplish anything at all that's going to matter to anything in any way? No. Should you still get rewarded for it? Of course! You can roll a ball down a straight, wooden lane and knock stuff down at the other end better than anyone! Now that's an essential quality in need of recognition.
Although the drive to excel in sports seems a little odd, it's understandable based on where we come from. It wasn't long ago that we needed to be the fastest or the strongest to survive. And, even though physical ability isn't as necessary as it was in our caveman days, it's still ingrained in our psyche. Having said that, however, there's still no excuse for some of the other areas in which we yearn to be the best. What areas am I talking about, exactly? It's simple; almost any other area you can think of. We humans are competitive in practically every single facet of our lives. Whether it's in video game playing, hot dog eating, or leaf raking, we're constantly sizing up the competition. How come we care about these things? Who knows. One thing is certain, though, we care a lot. Why else would a grown man smash his PS3 controller with a hammer whenever he loses a game? Is being good at pushing buttons really that important?
It's true, our sense of competition is spiraling out of control. We strive to be the best at anything we can think of. We want nicer hair, whiter teeth, a prettier shirt, etc. When does it end? Remember when we were children and the kid who had the most pants pockets was the "winner"? You may laugh, but we're no better once we grow up. Now, instead of competing to have the most pockets, we're striving to have the biggest car, parked in the biggest driveway, in front of the biggest house. Oh, and what's that? You just installed a new garage next to your home? Well guess what? I just installed a new house on top of my new garage! You just planted an exotic tree in your back yard? Good for you!! I just planted a giraffe!!! You purchased a Burmese Python at the local pet shop?! SO WHAT!! I JUST PUT A DOWN PAYMENT ON A BLUE WHALE!!!!
What's sad about this whole state of affairs is that when I said we're competitive over EVERYTHING, I meant it. Nothing is off limits. This can only lead to one thing; wanting to be the best at things that we shouldn't even want to be the best at. Let me ask you, what's 'cooler' when you're in college. Getting drunk off of two beers at a party, or getting drunk off of a 24 pack? That's correct, the 24 pack. Does it matter that drinking that much alcohol is terrible for you? No. All that matters is that you can drink more than the next guy. What comes after this? Seeing who can ram their head the hardest against a brick wall? "Oh man, did you hear that Jimmy's in a coma after smashing his head on the wall?" "Really? Wow, he destroyed me, I only got a concussion. Well, wish me luck, I'm off to stab myself with a fork."
It appears that because we have no need for survival anymore, our competitive nature is simply spewing off in every direction, and someone is going to get hurt. We all need to just relax and ask ourselves, does it really matter if Jane can remember all the names of the muppets when I can only remember Miss Piggy? Does it affect my life in any way if Tom can fit 7 marshmallows in his mouth while I can do only 5? We all need to just put down the video game controller, go look at ourselves in the mirror, take a deep breath, and say, "My next door neighbor's tree has more branches than mine, and I'm OK with that." If we can't do this, in a few more years human beings could very possibly cause their own extinction. Not because we tried to hold our breath the longest or drink the most rubbing alcohol, but because we all had the sudden urge to be the best at being the most dead. Just think about that for awhile. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find a pair of jeans with six or more pockets.
To really drive this point home, I want to look at one of the more bizarre traits we humans possess; our competitive mind set. At first glance, competition seems like a completely natural and even necessary function for living organisms. It's the whole survival of the fittest idea. And although that's all well and good, we homo sapiens have taken competition to a whole new level. Let's take sports for instance. There are a huge number of athletes and sports fans in the world, all of whom have the same goal in mind; winning. Why is it so important to us? No one knows. We humans have just decided that if you're better at catching a ball or beating everyone in a foot race, you deserve a special prize. Are you actually helping anyone? No. Have you just made the world a better place? No. Did you accomplish anything at all that's going to matter to anything in any way? No. Should you still get rewarded for it? Of course! You can roll a ball down a straight, wooden lane and knock stuff down at the other end better than anyone! Now that's an essential quality in need of recognition.
Although the drive to excel in sports seems a little odd, it's understandable based on where we come from. It wasn't long ago that we needed to be the fastest or the strongest to survive. And, even though physical ability isn't as necessary as it was in our caveman days, it's still ingrained in our psyche. Having said that, however, there's still no excuse for some of the other areas in which we yearn to be the best. What areas am I talking about, exactly? It's simple; almost any other area you can think of. We humans are competitive in practically every single facet of our lives. Whether it's in video game playing, hot dog eating, or leaf raking, we're constantly sizing up the competition. How come we care about these things? Who knows. One thing is certain, though, we care a lot. Why else would a grown man smash his PS3 controller with a hammer whenever he loses a game? Is being good at pushing buttons really that important?
It's true, our sense of competition is spiraling out of control. We strive to be the best at anything we can think of. We want nicer hair, whiter teeth, a prettier shirt, etc. When does it end? Remember when we were children and the kid who had the most pants pockets was the "winner"? You may laugh, but we're no better once we grow up. Now, instead of competing to have the most pockets, we're striving to have the biggest car, parked in the biggest driveway, in front of the biggest house. Oh, and what's that? You just installed a new garage next to your home? Well guess what? I just installed a new house on top of my new garage! You just planted an exotic tree in your back yard? Good for you!! I just planted a giraffe!!! You purchased a Burmese Python at the local pet shop?! SO WHAT!! I JUST PUT A DOWN PAYMENT ON A BLUE WHALE!!!!
What's sad about this whole state of affairs is that when I said we're competitive over EVERYTHING, I meant it. Nothing is off limits. This can only lead to one thing; wanting to be the best at things that we shouldn't even want to be the best at. Let me ask you, what's 'cooler' when you're in college. Getting drunk off of two beers at a party, or getting drunk off of a 24 pack? That's correct, the 24 pack. Does it matter that drinking that much alcohol is terrible for you? No. All that matters is that you can drink more than the next guy. What comes after this? Seeing who can ram their head the hardest against a brick wall? "Oh man, did you hear that Jimmy's in a coma after smashing his head on the wall?" "Really? Wow, he destroyed me, I only got a concussion. Well, wish me luck, I'm off to stab myself with a fork."
It appears that because we have no need for survival anymore, our competitive nature is simply spewing off in every direction, and someone is going to get hurt. We all need to just relax and ask ourselves, does it really matter if Jane can remember all the names of the muppets when I can only remember Miss Piggy? Does it affect my life in any way if Tom can fit 7 marshmallows in his mouth while I can do only 5? We all need to just put down the video game controller, go look at ourselves in the mirror, take a deep breath, and say, "My next door neighbor's tree has more branches than mine, and I'm OK with that." If we can't do this, in a few more years human beings could very possibly cause their own extinction. Not because we tried to hold our breath the longest or drink the most rubbing alcohol, but because we all had the sudden urge to be the best at being the most dead. Just think about that for awhile. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find a pair of jeans with six or more pockets.
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