For an author, getting published is quite often a lifelong goal. It is such a difficult task that some try and try with all of their might only to die poor, frustrated, and alone. The publishing world is truly a harsh place. That's why I have taken my writing future into my own hands. As I proceed, I'll go through all of the necessary steps it takes to get published, all while pointing out little tricks I would use to get my work noticed.
Right off the bat, when we talk about publication, we need to talk about having material to submit for publication. This is a step that a lot of people like me often forget. If I want to get my work in print, I have to have work. It's as simple as that. I can't even count the number of times I've written to a publisher asking why I'm not seeing any of my books on store shelves only to have them tell me I never submitted anything to them. Often times I'll try to give them a guilt trip by saying something like, "Here I thought you were this big, prestigious publishing house but you need me to write everything for you." That usually shuts them up and I never hear from them again.
Since publishers insist I give them something to publish before they'll publish it, what I'll do is try a little writing. As I'm doing this, however, I usually find that it's a lot of work. Writing is actually something that takes time, skill, and effort, all of which I don't have. Obviously this isn't fair. Why do other authors who have talent always get to be the ones getting their work published? It's a little one-sided I think. I mean, the rest of us have something to say too, and I don't see why some people get to say it while others do not. It's a form of prejudice and it should not be tolerated.
As it turns out, publishing houses don't usually agree with the logic I have just laid forth. In this case it's time to get good at writing. Believe it or not, becoming good at something when you're already bad is hard. You're body is so used to doing it one way that it's tough to break out of that mindset. You have to put in all of this practice, time, and effort.
I'll know this practice is paying off once I've completed at least three crossword puzzles all by myself. Not only did I look up another word for "space", but I wrote the letters into those square boxes. Eventually, when I can do it without the help of the boxes, I'll know I'm ready to write a novel.
For those of you trying to raise your own writing prowess, I would strongly recommend picking up a few crossword puzzle training guides yourself. The boxes act as training wheels and they really help guide your hand as you form each letter. I know it's a valuable tool that has really helped transform my abilities from terrible, to better.
Once I've become an excellent writer with the help of those training guides, it's time to dive into my first full length novel. And, even though I'm working very hard, I can't get discouraged if I'm unable to find anyone who wants to publish it right away; even when they say things like, "We don't accept submissions that are hand-written by babies." I know if I just keep using the box training guides and keep working at it, I'll start writing things that look like a baby didn't write it. In the publishing world it's all about perseverance, and I'll become a skilled writer even if I have to do a thousand crossword puzzles to accomplish it.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
How to Move
It's a fact of life; moving is one of the most unpleasant things human beings have to do. You have the daunting task of packing up all of your possessions, loading them into a vehicle, and driving them to a new destination where you then have to unpack everything. Most people would rather have their wisdom teeth removed than relocate their lives. Then there are still others who would reportedly rather just have their entire head removed. This is why I'm writing this essay. Though performing such a stressful feat is exhausting, there are some ways I would go about it to help lighten the burden.
To begin, I want to look at some of the reasons why we move in the first place. Maybe it's for a job or significant other. I know there are some people who move for no reason other than to see what it's like not to have their trailer blown away by a tornado every year. I guess they want to try relocating on their own for once. But whatever the reason, it's important that you aren't moving just because you think it'll be exciting, because it won't be.
I, for one, will do everything in my power to stay where I am until it's just no longer feasible to do so. If I get a new job offer for instance, I have to ask myself, can I do it from home? If my significant other is moving, can I convince her not to? If not, do I really love her? If I do, does she really love me or is it more of a stalker situation? I can't tell you how many times I've gotten really excited to move to a new place with my girlfriend only to find out once we're there that she wasn't even my girlfriend, but just some girl I was stalking. I simply tell her I can't believe she had the nerve to wait until we were already there to tell me how she felt about us.
In any case, if, after looking deep inside myself, I'm still in need of moving, then it's time to prepare for the long haul. One of the first things I have to do is decide which things I want to take with me, and which things I can give away or throw out. This is the easy part. If I'm already carrying or wearing it, I'll keep it. Everything else has to go. But, instead of going through the trouble of taking everything to the dump, I usually just put it all on the neighbors front lawn and tell them they're having a yard sale. Most of the time they didn't even know about the yard sale, which is funny, because they're the one's having it so they had better just get with the program.
Now that I've taken care of all of my belongings and have the car packed with myself, it's time to do the actual drive. This part of the move is crucial because without it, I don't move. So, to ensure that everything goes smoothly what I need to do is drive as fast as possible. This way I'll get where I'm going in the shortest amount of time. The less I'm on the road the less chance I have of a mishap.
Eventually I'll reach my destination and just in the nick of time. My girlfriend looks like she could use a hand unpacking. I would help out but I don't feel like moving from my comfortable position in the bushes. Besides, she's one of those people that likes to do everything herself and starts screaming if a stranger emerges from the shrubbery and tries to get all cuddly with her. I guess that's what I love about her, she knows what she wants and isn't afraid to speak up.
To begin, I want to look at some of the reasons why we move in the first place. Maybe it's for a job or significant other. I know there are some people who move for no reason other than to see what it's like not to have their trailer blown away by a tornado every year. I guess they want to try relocating on their own for once. But whatever the reason, it's important that you aren't moving just because you think it'll be exciting, because it won't be.
I, for one, will do everything in my power to stay where I am until it's just no longer feasible to do so. If I get a new job offer for instance, I have to ask myself, can I do it from home? If my significant other is moving, can I convince her not to? If not, do I really love her? If I do, does she really love me or is it more of a stalker situation? I can't tell you how many times I've gotten really excited to move to a new place with my girlfriend only to find out once we're there that she wasn't even my girlfriend, but just some girl I was stalking. I simply tell her I can't believe she had the nerve to wait until we were already there to tell me how she felt about us.
In any case, if, after looking deep inside myself, I'm still in need of moving, then it's time to prepare for the long haul. One of the first things I have to do is decide which things I want to take with me, and which things I can give away or throw out. This is the easy part. If I'm already carrying or wearing it, I'll keep it. Everything else has to go. But, instead of going through the trouble of taking everything to the dump, I usually just put it all on the neighbors front lawn and tell them they're having a yard sale. Most of the time they didn't even know about the yard sale, which is funny, because they're the one's having it so they had better just get with the program.
Now that I've taken care of all of my belongings and have the car packed with myself, it's time to do the actual drive. This part of the move is crucial because without it, I don't move. So, to ensure that everything goes smoothly what I need to do is drive as fast as possible. This way I'll get where I'm going in the shortest amount of time. The less I'm on the road the less chance I have of a mishap.
Eventually I'll reach my destination and just in the nick of time. My girlfriend looks like she could use a hand unpacking. I would help out but I don't feel like moving from my comfortable position in the bushes. Besides, she's one of those people that likes to do everything herself and starts screaming if a stranger emerges from the shrubbery and tries to get all cuddly with her. I guess that's what I love about her, she knows what she wants and isn't afraid to speak up.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Visiting the Grandparents
Going to your grandparents house can be a very rewarding experience. Often times they're delighted to see their grand kids and always have some sort of story to tell. That's not to say that you have nothing to worry about, however. As with anything else, there are certain things to be aware of when visiting the eldest of the relatives, and that's what I'm here to talk about.
When visiting the grandparents I have to keep one thing in mind, they're old. They probably aren't going to be able to hear, see, smell, recognize, or remember me in any way unless I'm sure to take the proper measures. Some of these proper measures include things like talking through a megaphone and wearing bright colored clothing and reflectors. This way they should be able to vaguely make out the sounds and visuals that I'm putting out there.
Another thing I may want to do is crawl on the floor instead of walk. They've been around a very long time. Their short term memory isn't what it used to be and the last time they remember seeing me was probably when I was a baby. With any luck, they'll see some shiny, loud thing crawling around on the floor and know exactly who it is. If this works, great, if it doesn't, they're at least bound to get the inkling that they aren't alone, and when that happens we can finally bond the way family should. Patience is really the name of the game here. They would wait for me and I need to give them the same courtesy. But, since I also don't have all day, I'll usually just start throwing little pebbles at their face. Eventually, their faulty feeling receptors will kick in and we'll be having a lovely time together just like we used to.
Great, now that my grandparents are aware of my presence, it's time to have a nice chat. But before I go shooting my megaphone off, I have to remember who I'm talking to; old people. I have to make sure I don't say anything about any new, fancy ideas or inventions because it will only confuse them. They don't know anything about cell phones, light bulbs, or pine trees and they don't care. They grew up without them and the last thing they need is for me to make their lives more complicated. As long as I just stick to the basics, like wooden teeth and suspenders, I should be fine.
Another topic I have to try and steer clear of is anything to do with death or dying. These people are old, not stupid. They know as well as I do that they could die any minute. I need to keep all conversations away from anything to do with this fact. That means no eating or drinking of any kind during my visit. This is important because the purpose of both of those things is to keep yourself alive. And sure, it's easy for a young person like me to stay alive, but I don't need to go rubbing it in their face by showing them exactly how I intend on doing it. Therefore, the intake of any kind of life sustaining substance is strictly forbidden.
To further this train of thought, I have to be sure to closely monitor the wording of any phrases I may want to use. For example, if I want to tell my grandparents I bought a new pair of shoes, I can't just come out and say it like that. I have to be sensitive to the fact that sure, an old pair of shoes can be replaced, but an old pair of people cannot. Therefore, I didn't 'buy new shoes to replace the old ones', I simply 'attained the rights to an advanced model in order to banish the delinquent duality.' They probably won't have any idea what I just said but I can still feel good knowing that I'm contributing to the conversation.
I also have to be absolutely certain not to say anything like, "My pet hamster died." Instead, it's, "My pet hamster is permanently malfunctioning." Am I surfing the web on my phone? No way. How could I "surf on a web"? What is a "phone"? And who am "I"? Is that a t-shirt grandpa's wearing? Well, I guess that one's ok for now, but I'll keep an eye on it.
Now, I know most people will think I'm taking things a little far here, but I'm really not. Studies prove that the elderly probably think about being old and/or dying about once every five seconds. That's a lot. What's more, the data appears to suggest that that's pretty much all they can think about if they're having a stroke or heart attack. Indeed, strenuous activities such as these are especially taxing on old people. The bottom line is, they are already consumed with thoughts about death as it is, they don't need me contributing to those thoughts.
If I just stick to my guns and really watch the kind of things I say and do, I can be sure to have a great visit without offending anyone. I do have to admit, however, it's very tough not to eat the freshly baked cookies my grandma makes whenever I'm there. Sometimes I get so tempted that I'll begin reaching out to grab one, but then I see my grandparents just sitting there smiling with a look of, "Oh, look who's planning on staying alive." It's at that point that I retract my hand and try to be a little more respectful. These are my grandparents, if I can't be understanding of their unfortunate situation, who can?
When visiting the grandparents I have to keep one thing in mind, they're old. They probably aren't going to be able to hear, see, smell, recognize, or remember me in any way unless I'm sure to take the proper measures. Some of these proper measures include things like talking through a megaphone and wearing bright colored clothing and reflectors. This way they should be able to vaguely make out the sounds and visuals that I'm putting out there.
Another thing I may want to do is crawl on the floor instead of walk. They've been around a very long time. Their short term memory isn't what it used to be and the last time they remember seeing me was probably when I was a baby. With any luck, they'll see some shiny, loud thing crawling around on the floor and know exactly who it is. If this works, great, if it doesn't, they're at least bound to get the inkling that they aren't alone, and when that happens we can finally bond the way family should. Patience is really the name of the game here. They would wait for me and I need to give them the same courtesy. But, since I also don't have all day, I'll usually just start throwing little pebbles at their face. Eventually, their faulty feeling receptors will kick in and we'll be having a lovely time together just like we used to.
Great, now that my grandparents are aware of my presence, it's time to have a nice chat. But before I go shooting my megaphone off, I have to remember who I'm talking to; old people. I have to make sure I don't say anything about any new, fancy ideas or inventions because it will only confuse them. They don't know anything about cell phones, light bulbs, or pine trees and they don't care. They grew up without them and the last thing they need is for me to make their lives more complicated. As long as I just stick to the basics, like wooden teeth and suspenders, I should be fine.
Another topic I have to try and steer clear of is anything to do with death or dying. These people are old, not stupid. They know as well as I do that they could die any minute. I need to keep all conversations away from anything to do with this fact. That means no eating or drinking of any kind during my visit. This is important because the purpose of both of those things is to keep yourself alive. And sure, it's easy for a young person like me to stay alive, but I don't need to go rubbing it in their face by showing them exactly how I intend on doing it. Therefore, the intake of any kind of life sustaining substance is strictly forbidden.
To further this train of thought, I have to be sure to closely monitor the wording of any phrases I may want to use. For example, if I want to tell my grandparents I bought a new pair of shoes, I can't just come out and say it like that. I have to be sensitive to the fact that sure, an old pair of shoes can be replaced, but an old pair of people cannot. Therefore, I didn't 'buy new shoes to replace the old ones', I simply 'attained the rights to an advanced model in order to banish the delinquent duality.' They probably won't have any idea what I just said but I can still feel good knowing that I'm contributing to the conversation.
I also have to be absolutely certain not to say anything like, "My pet hamster died." Instead, it's, "My pet hamster is permanently malfunctioning." Am I surfing the web on my phone? No way. How could I "surf on a web"? What is a "phone"? And who am "I"? Is that a t-shirt grandpa's wearing? Well, I guess that one's ok for now, but I'll keep an eye on it.
Now, I know most people will think I'm taking things a little far here, but I'm really not. Studies prove that the elderly probably think about being old and/or dying about once every five seconds. That's a lot. What's more, the data appears to suggest that that's pretty much all they can think about if they're having a stroke or heart attack. Indeed, strenuous activities such as these are especially taxing on old people. The bottom line is, they are already consumed with thoughts about death as it is, they don't need me contributing to those thoughts.
If I just stick to my guns and really watch the kind of things I say and do, I can be sure to have a great visit without offending anyone. I do have to admit, however, it's very tough not to eat the freshly baked cookies my grandma makes whenever I'm there. Sometimes I get so tempted that I'll begin reaching out to grab one, but then I see my grandparents just sitting there smiling with a look of, "Oh, look who's planning on staying alive." It's at that point that I retract my hand and try to be a little more respectful. These are my grandparents, if I can't be understanding of their unfortunate situation, who can?
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Having Fun at the Fair
Whenever anyone thinks of the most fun they've ever had they almost never think of the fair. There is a very good reason for this; fairs just aren't that fun. The rides make you sick, the carneys yell at you when they should be bathing, and the entrance fee is too high. But, despite all of these setbacks, I still think there are ways to have a good time. I just have to know where to look.
One of the first things I have to remember when going to the fair is the fact that the less I have to pay to enter, the more I'll feel like it was worth it. This is why I never pay an entrance fee. I want to feel like I got a great deal on admissions, and I can't do that if I had to pay to get in. So, in order to avoid the fee I simply light myself on fire and run quietly past the attendant at the toll booth. Remember, they'll almost never make you pay if you're running quietly and burning. It's a little known discount that most fairs don't like to advertise. If that doesn't work, however, then I'll just take out a gun and point it at the gate keeper. This works because attendants are shy and don't like things being pointed at them.
Great, now I can feel good knowing that I got an excellent bargain on admissions, what's next? Next I need to be able to walk around without being harassed by all of the employees. After all, how can I have a good time if I'm uncomfortable? I can't. So, what I need to do is go through and play every single game there is, but make sure I do it very badly so they don't ask me to play again. Let's take that game where you throw balls at the stack of bottles for instance. What I'll do is take the balls and just kind of start chucking them as hard as I can at all of the other carneys. This will not only show the guy at the stack of bottles that I'm not very good, but everyone else will get that feeling too. If I happen to knock someone down then I have to remember to cheer and ask for a prize. This is important because it's a game, and games are only fun if your cheering and winning things.
Once this is done I can probably walk around wherever I'd like without being hassled. Either that or I can play a really bad game of darts, which brings me to my next point; people hate getting stabbed. When trying to get people to leave me alone it's good to know their likes and dislikes. If I just push those dislike buttons enough I'll probably never be bothered.
OK, so I'm walking around the fair without being bothered. The next thing I have to do is help other people have a good time. If I'm not going to go on rides because they make me sick, then the least I can do is ensure that everyone else is enjoying their stay.
The first thing I have to realize about the fair is that people go for the thrills. If I want them to have a good time I have to give them what they came for. One of the more effective ways to accomplish this is to go over to the carousel and knock people off. This way they get the best of both worlds. Not only were they having fun by going around in circles, but now they're having a blast by getting shoved to the ground. If they happen to look like they're still not too thrilled, however, I may scream things at them like, "IF I BEAT YOU TO YOUR HOUSE I'M GONNA BURN IT DOWN!!", just to give them a real rush and sense of urgency. The look of surprise on their face is all it takes to make me feel like I'm really helping out.
Now that I'm having fun at the fair by throwing baseballs at carneys and giving people thrilling shoves off the carousel, it's time to eat. All the excitement really works up an appetite, however I'm still not quite hungry enough to pay for the food. Remember, food is only worth money if you really need it. I try explaining this to the cashier but they usually insist I pay anyway. In this case, to prove I'm really not THAT hungry, I'll simply take all of their fried dough and throw it in the garbage. This way they can clearly see that I'm not desperate. If I was I wouldn't have thrown all of their food away like that. I can now expect them to make me a fresh piece of fried dough on the house.
Most of the time they go on about how it doesn't matter how hungry I am and that I still have to pay, but I usually get my point across by smashing their fountain drink machine. There, now they know that I'm not that thirsty either. Eventually, they see that it wouldn't be worth it for me to pay for anything since I don't need it that badly, and they just give me whatever I want and act like they're all frightened. I just laugh and tell them they don't have to worry, I'm sure their food is delicious. Being a good cook is really important to some people.
If I just try some of the things I've mentioned, I can be sure to have a good fair experience. There are plenty of little tricks like these that can be used to make sure I don't pay too much or get harassed by the employees. And, who knows, maybe the next time I'm at the fair I can do even more to help people have fun. Imagine how thrilling it would be to get spun upside down in the Ferris Wheel or lit on fire while on a roller coaster. The latter would probably be really exciting, just flying through the air with flames shooting out of you. Then, when you see people pointing at you in awe, you can feel good knowing that not only are you having the time of your life, but, because of you, other people are too. For my money, which I didn't pay, it doesn't get any better than that.
One of the first things I have to remember when going to the fair is the fact that the less I have to pay to enter, the more I'll feel like it was worth it. This is why I never pay an entrance fee. I want to feel like I got a great deal on admissions, and I can't do that if I had to pay to get in. So, in order to avoid the fee I simply light myself on fire and run quietly past the attendant at the toll booth. Remember, they'll almost never make you pay if you're running quietly and burning. It's a little known discount that most fairs don't like to advertise. If that doesn't work, however, then I'll just take out a gun and point it at the gate keeper. This works because attendants are shy and don't like things being pointed at them.
Great, now I can feel good knowing that I got an excellent bargain on admissions, what's next? Next I need to be able to walk around without being harassed by all of the employees. After all, how can I have a good time if I'm uncomfortable? I can't. So, what I need to do is go through and play every single game there is, but make sure I do it very badly so they don't ask me to play again. Let's take that game where you throw balls at the stack of bottles for instance. What I'll do is take the balls and just kind of start chucking them as hard as I can at all of the other carneys. This will not only show the guy at the stack of bottles that I'm not very good, but everyone else will get that feeling too. If I happen to knock someone down then I have to remember to cheer and ask for a prize. This is important because it's a game, and games are only fun if your cheering and winning things.
Once this is done I can probably walk around wherever I'd like without being hassled. Either that or I can play a really bad game of darts, which brings me to my next point; people hate getting stabbed. When trying to get people to leave me alone it's good to know their likes and dislikes. If I just push those dislike buttons enough I'll probably never be bothered.
OK, so I'm walking around the fair without being bothered. The next thing I have to do is help other people have a good time. If I'm not going to go on rides because they make me sick, then the least I can do is ensure that everyone else is enjoying their stay.
The first thing I have to realize about the fair is that people go for the thrills. If I want them to have a good time I have to give them what they came for. One of the more effective ways to accomplish this is to go over to the carousel and knock people off. This way they get the best of both worlds. Not only were they having fun by going around in circles, but now they're having a blast by getting shoved to the ground. If they happen to look like they're still not too thrilled, however, I may scream things at them like, "IF I BEAT YOU TO YOUR HOUSE I'M GONNA BURN IT DOWN!!", just to give them a real rush and sense of urgency. The look of surprise on their face is all it takes to make me feel like I'm really helping out.
Now that I'm having fun at the fair by throwing baseballs at carneys and giving people thrilling shoves off the carousel, it's time to eat. All the excitement really works up an appetite, however I'm still not quite hungry enough to pay for the food. Remember, food is only worth money if you really need it. I try explaining this to the cashier but they usually insist I pay anyway. In this case, to prove I'm really not THAT hungry, I'll simply take all of their fried dough and throw it in the garbage. This way they can clearly see that I'm not desperate. If I was I wouldn't have thrown all of their food away like that. I can now expect them to make me a fresh piece of fried dough on the house.
Most of the time they go on about how it doesn't matter how hungry I am and that I still have to pay, but I usually get my point across by smashing their fountain drink machine. There, now they know that I'm not that thirsty either. Eventually, they see that it wouldn't be worth it for me to pay for anything since I don't need it that badly, and they just give me whatever I want and act like they're all frightened. I just laugh and tell them they don't have to worry, I'm sure their food is delicious. Being a good cook is really important to some people.
If I just try some of the things I've mentioned, I can be sure to have a good fair experience. There are plenty of little tricks like these that can be used to make sure I don't pay too much or get harassed by the employees. And, who knows, maybe the next time I'm at the fair I can do even more to help people have fun. Imagine how thrilling it would be to get spun upside down in the Ferris Wheel or lit on fire while on a roller coaster. The latter would probably be really exciting, just flying through the air with flames shooting out of you. Then, when you see people pointing at you in awe, you can feel good knowing that not only are you having the time of your life, but, because of you, other people are too. For my money, which I didn't pay, it doesn't get any better than that.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Surviving a Shark Attack
One of our greatest fears is being attacked by a shark. Whenever we hear about them on the news or read about them in the paper we can't help but shudder. Clearly, there is good reason for this. Getting attacked by a shark is absolutely devastating. Sharks are basically living submarines with razor sharp teeth and a hunger for warm blood. Because of the amount of fear that is associated with such an attack, I've decided to go through some of the ways I would try and survive the ordeal, because let's face it, most people who are attacked by a shark are never attacked again, because they're dead. I want to try and change that.
Before I talk about how I would survive a shark attack I first want to talk about how I can reduce my chances of being on the menu to begin with. One of the more obvious things I can do is stay out of the water. It has been statistically proven that you are 35% less likely to be attacked by a shark while in your home than in the ocean. That's a significant decrease and should be taken seriously. If I do decide to go into the ocean I just have to be sure to play it safe. That means no swimming too far off shore, no eating raw hamburger, and no pretending to be a seal. I also want to steer away from any activity that could potentially causes myself to bleed, like slitting my wrists. Sure, it can be fun, but how will I feel if I accidentally kill myself and then get attacked by a shark? There's absolutely no way I can survive this attack if I'm already dead, and that's my objective, to survive a shark attack.
Now that I've gone through some of the obvious ways to avoid an attack, I want to get to the heart of the matter, having a shark encounter and living to tell about it. In order to accomplish this I need to hone my threat detection skills. I need to be able to look at a shark and know it's a shark without even asking. This means utilizing all of my senses. If I see a gray triangle pop out of the water from afar, for instance, the best thing I can do is swim over and touch it. Is it smooth? Is it leathery? Is it eating me? All of these characteristics point toward shark.
Once I've determined that it is indeed a shark, it's time to survive. One important thing I have to remember is to remain calm. Sharks are very outgoing and are attracted to commotion and excitement. If I want to survive I have to keep a low profile and avoid being the center of attention. This means no splashing, no screaming, and no dancing. I may even want to try discussing politics to really bore the shark into finding more interesting prey.
If this works and the shark swims away, great, but if it doesn't then I have to continue to remain completely motionless until I'm absolutely certain the shark is chewing on me. At this point, once my leg is good and mangled, I have to keep one thing in mind, sharks are meat eaters. This is important because I'm going to contort my mangled leg to look like a piece of broccoli. With any luck the shark will take one look and be completely turned off.
If for some reason this doesn't work, the only thing I can do is hold my breath, close me eyes, and hope the shark thinks I'm dead. Then, when it comes back around to finish eating me, I'll suddenly open my eyes and it just might think I'm a zombie. The one thing I have working for me here is that 85% of sharks don't know what a zombie even is. Most things won't eat what they can't recognize. This is survival. Anything is worth a shot, even head games.
If I remain calm and use these survival tricks I can significantly increase my likelihood of staying alive. I just have to keep in mind that sharks aren't much different than you and me. They too need to eat, breathe, and are wary of zombies. With all of these facts at my disposal, I wouldn't be surprised to find myself not only coming out of a shark attack alive, but with a story to tell.
Before I talk about how I would survive a shark attack I first want to talk about how I can reduce my chances of being on the menu to begin with. One of the more obvious things I can do is stay out of the water. It has been statistically proven that you are 35% less likely to be attacked by a shark while in your home than in the ocean. That's a significant decrease and should be taken seriously. If I do decide to go into the ocean I just have to be sure to play it safe. That means no swimming too far off shore, no eating raw hamburger, and no pretending to be a seal. I also want to steer away from any activity that could potentially causes myself to bleed, like slitting my wrists. Sure, it can be fun, but how will I feel if I accidentally kill myself and then get attacked by a shark? There's absolutely no way I can survive this attack if I'm already dead, and that's my objective, to survive a shark attack.
Now that I've gone through some of the obvious ways to avoid an attack, I want to get to the heart of the matter, having a shark encounter and living to tell about it. In order to accomplish this I need to hone my threat detection skills. I need to be able to look at a shark and know it's a shark without even asking. This means utilizing all of my senses. If I see a gray triangle pop out of the water from afar, for instance, the best thing I can do is swim over and touch it. Is it smooth? Is it leathery? Is it eating me? All of these characteristics point toward shark.
Once I've determined that it is indeed a shark, it's time to survive. One important thing I have to remember is to remain calm. Sharks are very outgoing and are attracted to commotion and excitement. If I want to survive I have to keep a low profile and avoid being the center of attention. This means no splashing, no screaming, and no dancing. I may even want to try discussing politics to really bore the shark into finding more interesting prey.
If this works and the shark swims away, great, but if it doesn't then I have to continue to remain completely motionless until I'm absolutely certain the shark is chewing on me. At this point, once my leg is good and mangled, I have to keep one thing in mind, sharks are meat eaters. This is important because I'm going to contort my mangled leg to look like a piece of broccoli. With any luck the shark will take one look and be completely turned off.
If for some reason this doesn't work, the only thing I can do is hold my breath, close me eyes, and hope the shark thinks I'm dead. Then, when it comes back around to finish eating me, I'll suddenly open my eyes and it just might think I'm a zombie. The one thing I have working for me here is that 85% of sharks don't know what a zombie even is. Most things won't eat what they can't recognize. This is survival. Anything is worth a shot, even head games.
If I remain calm and use these survival tricks I can significantly increase my likelihood of staying alive. I just have to keep in mind that sharks aren't much different than you and me. They too need to eat, breathe, and are wary of zombies. With all of these facts at my disposal, I wouldn't be surprised to find myself not only coming out of a shark attack alive, but with a story to tell.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Finding that Special Friend
Making friends can be a difficult process. There are literally six billion people on the planet, and most of them probably don't like you. So what is one to do when they find themselves in a new place, with new people, and a need for human interaction? Well, we certainly can't get your ideas, because this isn't you. No, it's time to share some of the things I would do, because let's face it, you're not exactly what I would call me.
So there I am, in a new town and with no one to call a friend. How do I go about getting to know people? One of the first things I have to keep in mind is that I can't meet anyone by staying in my house. Strangers like to play hard to get. They aren't going to just waltz into some other strangers home unless they're a serial killer. And I know what you're thinking, "Can you make friends with a serial killer?!" The answer here is it depends. If they have a gun and shoot me immediately, probably not. But if they use a knife, it's a whole different story. Now I have a little time to get to know them while they stab me. I just have to make sure to keep direct eye contact and ask things like, "Where are you from? Who inspires you?" It also doesn't hurt to throw a couple compliments their way. If I tell them how sharp their knife is or how they would probably make a great chef based on their skill and dedication to stabbing things, they just might change their mind about the whole murder. Then maybe we could get a lasting friendship going. That's always the hope anyway.
Another tried and true strategy of murderers is the whole burying the victim alive routine. I feel that anyone who goes with this technique is just begging for friendship. It takes so much planning and preparation to pull it off that it's basically like them saying, "Please, look at how much effort I'm putting into us. Can't we be friends?" However, in this case, I'd be a little wary. Any murderer willing to go through the trouble of digging a hole, putting me inside of it, and then refilling the hole has a high probability of becoming clingy. Being suffocated by a relationship can be just as uncomfortable as literal suffocation. I need to decide which one is right for me before I open the door to friendship.
Finally, I want to talk about a murder tactic that has the greatest chance of interfering with possible friendship: strangulation. This one can be a bit tricky because I'll only have a couple minutes to make my case, and I won't be able to talk. It's situations like these that I'm glad I'm good at charades. So, as they're doing their thing I'll just kind of smile and pat their head while I do my best not to pass out on this potential friend. If that doesn't work I'll go right into signing 'me, love, you' with my hands. With any luck they'll see that I'm really not a bad guy. They'll probably even let me go and ask if I want to go fishing next weekend, and of course I will. I'll say, "Sure! Why didn't we go this week-...ohhh yeah. You tried to kill me!" And we'll both have a good laugh.
Anyway, these are some of the things I would do to convert possible murders into friendships, should the need ever arise. Life is too short to go through it alone, especially if I can't win over the people that want to kill me. It's times like those that it's perhaps the most important to have a good friend-making game plan. Whatever happens, when it's all said and done, at least I'll know I did everything in my power to try and create a lasting relationship. Then, when I'm dead, the serial killer will have to live with the fact that they probably just killed their best friend. Who'll be sorry then?
So there I am, in a new town and with no one to call a friend. How do I go about getting to know people? One of the first things I have to keep in mind is that I can't meet anyone by staying in my house. Strangers like to play hard to get. They aren't going to just waltz into some other strangers home unless they're a serial killer. And I know what you're thinking, "Can you make friends with a serial killer?!" The answer here is it depends. If they have a gun and shoot me immediately, probably not. But if they use a knife, it's a whole different story. Now I have a little time to get to know them while they stab me. I just have to make sure to keep direct eye contact and ask things like, "Where are you from? Who inspires you?" It also doesn't hurt to throw a couple compliments their way. If I tell them how sharp their knife is or how they would probably make a great chef based on their skill and dedication to stabbing things, they just might change their mind about the whole murder. Then maybe we could get a lasting friendship going. That's always the hope anyway.
Another tried and true strategy of murderers is the whole burying the victim alive routine. I feel that anyone who goes with this technique is just begging for friendship. It takes so much planning and preparation to pull it off that it's basically like them saying, "Please, look at how much effort I'm putting into us. Can't we be friends?" However, in this case, I'd be a little wary. Any murderer willing to go through the trouble of digging a hole, putting me inside of it, and then refilling the hole has a high probability of becoming clingy. Being suffocated by a relationship can be just as uncomfortable as literal suffocation. I need to decide which one is right for me before I open the door to friendship.
Finally, I want to talk about a murder tactic that has the greatest chance of interfering with possible friendship: strangulation. This one can be a bit tricky because I'll only have a couple minutes to make my case, and I won't be able to talk. It's situations like these that I'm glad I'm good at charades. So, as they're doing their thing I'll just kind of smile and pat their head while I do my best not to pass out on this potential friend. If that doesn't work I'll go right into signing 'me, love, you' with my hands. With any luck they'll see that I'm really not a bad guy. They'll probably even let me go and ask if I want to go fishing next weekend, and of course I will. I'll say, "Sure! Why didn't we go this week-...ohhh yeah. You tried to kill me!" And we'll both have a good laugh.
Anyway, these are some of the things I would do to convert possible murders into friendships, should the need ever arise. Life is too short to go through it alone, especially if I can't win over the people that want to kill me. It's times like those that it's perhaps the most important to have a good friend-making game plan. Whatever happens, when it's all said and done, at least I'll know I did everything in my power to try and create a lasting relationship. Then, when I'm dead, the serial killer will have to live with the fact that they probably just killed their best friend. Who'll be sorry then?
Friday, September 11, 2009
Dealing with Parents
When you're a kid, what's the one thing that bothers you the most? That's right, your parents. No matter what you do, or want, they always manage to get in the way. For example, remember the time when you wished you didn't have any parents? Who was there to make sure that wish didn't come true? That's right, your parents. So, since it seems we're all stuck with these people for awhile, why not make the most of it?
One of the main things parents are always nagging us to do is clean up our rooms. But, the thing about that is, it's our room. We should be able to do what we want with it. My parents don't see me asking them to clean my laundry. They do it without even being told, and that seems to be working out just fine. If they could learn from my example and just let my room be dirty without asking, we'd all be better off.
Another thing parents are always trying to make their kids do is chores. I don't know about the rest of you, but I wasn't born to be a slave, my parents were. So, I've found that if I just do everything really poorly, they won't make me do it anymore. Lets take dishes for instance. The normal way to do dishes is to simply take a soapy sponge and scrub them, correct? Well, to prove I'm not very good at it all I do is, with a soapy sponge in my hand, take the plates and smash them on the floor. For whatever reason, this doesn't work, but the sponge makes it look like I'm really trying. My mom is always totally shocked when I do them like this and begins to jump up and down and shout things like, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!!" I'm not sure what she has to get all excited over, though, I just smashed all of her dishes.
OK good, dishes are no longer my responsibility from here on out. Now it's time to get out of cleaning the carpet. This one's easy. All I need to do is tear the carpet up and throw it out so there is nothing to vacuum. Usually, my mom gets really upset for one reason or another and decides to take it out on me. It's totally unfair, but I just assume she's mad because of all the extra sweeping she's going to have to do now. Either way, I can consider my vacuuming days over, and just in the nick of time, because, as it turns out, before I tore up the carpet I accidentally smashed the vacuum cleaner with a baseball bat. I didn't mean to, I just mistook it for something that was trying to ruin my life.
After I've performed all of my daily chores badly, I don't have to worry about my parents trying to make me do them again. And I'm sure in a few years, when I'm all grown up and still living at home, we can all have a good laugh about the time they tried to make me help out around the house. It truly is the little things in life that are important, that's why they always say, "Enjoy the little things in life, because they're important."
One of the main things parents are always nagging us to do is clean up our rooms. But, the thing about that is, it's our room. We should be able to do what we want with it. My parents don't see me asking them to clean my laundry. They do it without even being told, and that seems to be working out just fine. If they could learn from my example and just let my room be dirty without asking, we'd all be better off.
Another thing parents are always trying to make their kids do is chores. I don't know about the rest of you, but I wasn't born to be a slave, my parents were. So, I've found that if I just do everything really poorly, they won't make me do it anymore. Lets take dishes for instance. The normal way to do dishes is to simply take a soapy sponge and scrub them, correct? Well, to prove I'm not very good at it all I do is, with a soapy sponge in my hand, take the plates and smash them on the floor. For whatever reason, this doesn't work, but the sponge makes it look like I'm really trying. My mom is always totally shocked when I do them like this and begins to jump up and down and shout things like, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!!" I'm not sure what she has to get all excited over, though, I just smashed all of her dishes.
OK good, dishes are no longer my responsibility from here on out. Now it's time to get out of cleaning the carpet. This one's easy. All I need to do is tear the carpet up and throw it out so there is nothing to vacuum. Usually, my mom gets really upset for one reason or another and decides to take it out on me. It's totally unfair, but I just assume she's mad because of all the extra sweeping she's going to have to do now. Either way, I can consider my vacuuming days over, and just in the nick of time, because, as it turns out, before I tore up the carpet I accidentally smashed the vacuum cleaner with a baseball bat. I didn't mean to, I just mistook it for something that was trying to ruin my life.
After I've performed all of my daily chores badly, I don't have to worry about my parents trying to make me do them again. And I'm sure in a few years, when I'm all grown up and still living at home, we can all have a good laugh about the time they tried to make me help out around the house. It truly is the little things in life that are important, that's why they always say, "Enjoy the little things in life, because they're important."
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Key to a Happy Marriage
Marriage can be a wonderful thing. You have this other person who has taken an oath to remain by your side no matter what. It's quite beautiful sometimes. Then, however, you also have the fact that a huge number of marriages end in divorce. What's going wrong here? How can a couple be so happy together one day, and the next have so much mutual hate that they want to murder and divorce each other? It is because of this that I feel I need to outline the steps I would take to maintain a happy marriage.
First of all, before I can even think about tying the knot, I have to find another person that I want to be tied to. I have discovered that the easiest way to do this is by handing out questionnaires to women on the street. Now, most people will read this and say, "There's no way any woman is going to fill out a questionnaire given to them by some nut job." And you're almost right. But, what you're missing is the fact that there will always be someone that will, and when I find that someone, I will be able to immediately cross them off the list of possible mates. Only weirdos fill out surveys on the street. Using this method I can narrow the playing field down one by one, until I find 'the one'.
Using the questionnaire technique I've found my future wife, great. What's next? Now I need to make her realize she needs to marry me by telling her I'm rich. Whether or not I'm really rich isn't important. All that matters is that I trick her into marrying me. Then, since our marriage will be based on a lie, it will have a better chance to grow strong by overcoming this lie. A strong, lasting marriage isn't forged through honesty and trust, but through trials and tribulations. And sure, my wife will get upset when she realizes I lied about being rich, but that's the perfect opportunity for me to just smile and say, "Can you feel that? Our marriage getting stronger?" I can hardly wait until she finds out that I'm an escaped convict. Our marriage is going to be a steel bunker of love and trust.
Great, I've found the woman of my dreams and tricked her into marrying me which gave us a strong, healthy marriage. Now what? The last thing is ensuring our marriage stays strong. This is the most important part of any relationship. I have to do everything in my power to keep my wife happy and content. The easiest way to accomplish this is to do nothing. That's right, let her do the cooking, cleaning, working, and shopping. I just have to make sure she knows that it's not that I don't want to help out, it's just that she does such a good job, almost as good as I could do. If I know my wife like I think I do, a compliment like that will send her floating on air. Women love compliments.
Not only do I have to keep her content by giving her compliments, but I also have to make sure I steal money from her every now and then. This is especially important after she finds out I'm an escaped convict. If I don't steal her money she might start thinking that not only do I not have a job, but I'm also not even good at being a criminal. She didn't marry me because I was bad at committing crimes. I have to remember that.
If I just follow these steps I can feel good knowing that I'm doing everything humanly possible to create a lasting marriage. And sure, there's always a chance that it still won't work out, but there will be nobody to blame but my wife. I'll simply tell everyone that I kept stealing and stealing from her but it was never enough. Some people out there are just never satisfied.
First of all, before I can even think about tying the knot, I have to find another person that I want to be tied to. I have discovered that the easiest way to do this is by handing out questionnaires to women on the street. Now, most people will read this and say, "There's no way any woman is going to fill out a questionnaire given to them by some nut job." And you're almost right. But, what you're missing is the fact that there will always be someone that will, and when I find that someone, I will be able to immediately cross them off the list of possible mates. Only weirdos fill out surveys on the street. Using this method I can narrow the playing field down one by one, until I find 'the one'.
Using the questionnaire technique I've found my future wife, great. What's next? Now I need to make her realize she needs to marry me by telling her I'm rich. Whether or not I'm really rich isn't important. All that matters is that I trick her into marrying me. Then, since our marriage will be based on a lie, it will have a better chance to grow strong by overcoming this lie. A strong, lasting marriage isn't forged through honesty and trust, but through trials and tribulations. And sure, my wife will get upset when she realizes I lied about being rich, but that's the perfect opportunity for me to just smile and say, "Can you feel that? Our marriage getting stronger?" I can hardly wait until she finds out that I'm an escaped convict. Our marriage is going to be a steel bunker of love and trust.
Great, I've found the woman of my dreams and tricked her into marrying me which gave us a strong, healthy marriage. Now what? The last thing is ensuring our marriage stays strong. This is the most important part of any relationship. I have to do everything in my power to keep my wife happy and content. The easiest way to accomplish this is to do nothing. That's right, let her do the cooking, cleaning, working, and shopping. I just have to make sure she knows that it's not that I don't want to help out, it's just that she does such a good job, almost as good as I could do. If I know my wife like I think I do, a compliment like that will send her floating on air. Women love compliments.
Not only do I have to keep her content by giving her compliments, but I also have to make sure I steal money from her every now and then. This is especially important after she finds out I'm an escaped convict. If I don't steal her money she might start thinking that not only do I not have a job, but I'm also not even good at being a criminal. She didn't marry me because I was bad at committing crimes. I have to remember that.
If I just follow these steps I can feel good knowing that I'm doing everything humanly possible to create a lasting marriage. And sure, there's always a chance that it still won't work out, but there will be nobody to blame but my wife. I'll simply tell everyone that I kept stealing and stealing from her but it was never enough. Some people out there are just never satisfied.
Monday, September 7, 2009
How to Wait in Line at the Grocery Store
We've all been there; a busy grocery store, every line a mile long, kids screaming, you trying to top them, and the list goes on and on. To some people this can be one of the most frustrating situations in the world. All you want to do is get in and out without all the waiting and hassle. Well, if this sounds like you then be glad you stumbled onto this sacred text, for I am about to explain, plain as day, all the things I would do to make the most out of a seemingly hopeless predicament.
So there I am, standing at the back of an extremely long line in the grocery store. What can I do? One of the first things I'll do in this situation is attempt to make the line shorter. This might sound impossible, but there are actually ways of making people realize they're not done shopping yet. For instance, one little trick I like to do is secretly take something out of the cart of the person in front of me, like a toothbrush, and place it in my cart. Then, once this is done, I'll simply tap them on the shoulder and say, "Didn't you want to buy a toothbrush?" They'll usually give me a confused look and say something like, "Um, I am buying one." And as they rummage through their cart looking for it, I'll just stand and stare all while growling and bearing my teeth. Once they look back and see me doing this, they get so frightened because they don't have a toothbrush that they practically run out of the line. And who could blame them? Decaying teeth are scary.
You can also do the exact opposite of the previous trick. That's right, actually placing something into the cart of the person in front of you can be just as effective. What I'll do is look at what they're buying and pick out something that I am also going to purchase, like a turkey. Then, I'll secretly take my turkey out of my cart and place it in theirs, next to their other one. At this point, all I have to do is ask them if they really want to purchase two turkeys. Naturally, when they look down into their cart they'll feel like an idiot and say something like, "Why did I pick up two?!", but how am I supposed to know?
Every now and then the whole adding something they already have backfires and the person just says they could use two anyway. In this case, I simply pull out my handy second turkey and ask if they really wanted three. That ought to fix their cocky little wagon.
Now, at some point, as I'm working my way up the line, I'm bound to come across a person that's buying only one item, like a newspaper. Getting past this person can be a bit tricky. And I know, they only have one item, who cares, right? I care. There could be 8 or 9 people ahead of them who are also buying only one item and that adds up to 10 or 11 items. Trust me, I did the math. So, to get this person out of line I'll usually just rip the newspaper out of their hand and chuck it across the store. Then I'll ask, "Didn't you want that newspaper?" The answer is almost always yes. Well guess what, now they're standing in line with no items to buy. They have no reason to continue standing there and I'll make sure they know it.
Eventually, if I keep using these techniques, I'll find myself at the front of the line. And sure, most of the time I'll have a completely different cart full of products than when I started, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is that I don't have to wait. And maybe, once I'm placing my products on the belt, all I have in my cart is a pink razor and sausage, but what if that's all I really needed anyway? See, these are the questions.
So there I am, standing at the back of an extremely long line in the grocery store. What can I do? One of the first things I'll do in this situation is attempt to make the line shorter. This might sound impossible, but there are actually ways of making people realize they're not done shopping yet. For instance, one little trick I like to do is secretly take something out of the cart of the person in front of me, like a toothbrush, and place it in my cart. Then, once this is done, I'll simply tap them on the shoulder and say, "Didn't you want to buy a toothbrush?" They'll usually give me a confused look and say something like, "Um, I am buying one." And as they rummage through their cart looking for it, I'll just stand and stare all while growling and bearing my teeth. Once they look back and see me doing this, they get so frightened because they don't have a toothbrush that they practically run out of the line. And who could blame them? Decaying teeth are scary.
You can also do the exact opposite of the previous trick. That's right, actually placing something into the cart of the person in front of you can be just as effective. What I'll do is look at what they're buying and pick out something that I am also going to purchase, like a turkey. Then, I'll secretly take my turkey out of my cart and place it in theirs, next to their other one. At this point, all I have to do is ask them if they really want to purchase two turkeys. Naturally, when they look down into their cart they'll feel like an idiot and say something like, "Why did I pick up two?!", but how am I supposed to know?
Every now and then the whole adding something they already have backfires and the person just says they could use two anyway. In this case, I simply pull out my handy second turkey and ask if they really wanted three. That ought to fix their cocky little wagon.
Now, at some point, as I'm working my way up the line, I'm bound to come across a person that's buying only one item, like a newspaper. Getting past this person can be a bit tricky. And I know, they only have one item, who cares, right? I care. There could be 8 or 9 people ahead of them who are also buying only one item and that adds up to 10 or 11 items. Trust me, I did the math. So, to get this person out of line I'll usually just rip the newspaper out of their hand and chuck it across the store. Then I'll ask, "Didn't you want that newspaper?" The answer is almost always yes. Well guess what, now they're standing in line with no items to buy. They have no reason to continue standing there and I'll make sure they know it.
Eventually, if I keep using these techniques, I'll find myself at the front of the line. And sure, most of the time I'll have a completely different cart full of products than when I started, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is that I don't have to wait. And maybe, once I'm placing my products on the belt, all I have in my cart is a pink razor and sausage, but what if that's all I really needed anyway? See, these are the questions.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Aging Gracefully
Getting old is a fact of life. Almost everyone will have to do it at some point. Unless, of course, you die prematurely of some disease, commit suicide, are murdered, are in a fatal car accident, a vending machine falls on you, you're eaten by wolves, or someone accidentally pushes you into a tar pit, which brings me to my next point; most people won't die of old age. Now, before everyone begins to jump for joy, just remember, old age does still get some people, and that's the problem I'd like to address. An estimated 1 in 5 people will come down with this horrible condition, and the older you get, the more likely you are to be a victim. What's worse, through 'medical advances' these numbers are expected to rise dramatically in the coming years.
What most people don't realize is that there are ways to actually reduce your chances of getting old. I personally, for instance, am a huge supporter of speeding, eating butter, and playing with baby bears that I find in the woods. I can expect all of these things to bring me significantly closer to my goal rather than simply going through the motions.
As I get older, if I find that those little things aren't doing the trick, then I'll have to really step up my anti-aging regimen until I start seeing the results I want. Indeed, once I hit my thirties I expect to be doing some very innovative things. It won't be uncommon for me to try anything from eating glass shards to hiring an assassin to kill me. Sure, this may sound desperate, but I'd rather be desperate than stricken with oldness and have to watch helplessly as half of my face falls off every time someone bumps into me. It's a harsh reality that some people have to deal with on a daily basis.
So, since I've been developing my anti-aging routine from about age five, I can expect to all but eliminate the possibility of getting old. But, just in case I still find myself heading towards the 'slow death', I may even try things like becoming a human land mine sweeper or a battery acid tester/drinker. There, I'd like to see old age get me now. I almost feel sorry for it. It must know it's chances of success are getting slimmer by the day. After all, I just went bungee jumping off of a cliff, in my car...without the bungee. This is also known to some as simply 'driving off a cliff.'
Although I've really come up with some groundbreaking techniques to stave off aging, it doesn't mean it can't still get me. I can do this, that, and the other thing but there will always be a chance that I'm one of the unlucky few. In this case I have no choice but to suck it up and prepare for the long haul.
OK, so against all odds I find myself getting old. Now what? One of the first things I have to remember is to keep a positive attitude. This is key. Remaining in good spirits is absolutely imperative. Otherwise, old wins. Old wants to make you feel tired, run down, and depressed. Don't let it.
So, as I'm walking from the bedroom to the bathroom and I snap off at the waist, what do I do? I laugh. That's right, old thinks if it just breaks my hip, forces me to wear diapers, and makes my face look like an old, wrinkled hammock, I'll go crying to my mother, who it already killed. Well, it can think again. So go ahead, break my hip, take my vision, memory, hearing, and loved ones. Make my face look like a withered stump. See if I care. I'm beyond such material things and I'll be damned if I'm going to let a little case of bed wetting and a broken leg, neck, and skull get me down. I'm better than that.
Wow, I'm remaining in better spirits than I could've ever imagined. Sure, I'm a paralyzed mass of broken bones on the floor and can't call for help because my voice box is rotten, but so what? There are literally a million worse things that could've happened. And, as I lay there I can just think; when old finally does me in, people will come to remove my body and see a jumbled human looking thing with urine all around and say, "Man, that guy aged gracefully" And that's what life's really all about.
What most people don't realize is that there are ways to actually reduce your chances of getting old. I personally, for instance, am a huge supporter of speeding, eating butter, and playing with baby bears that I find in the woods. I can expect all of these things to bring me significantly closer to my goal rather than simply going through the motions.
As I get older, if I find that those little things aren't doing the trick, then I'll have to really step up my anti-aging regimen until I start seeing the results I want. Indeed, once I hit my thirties I expect to be doing some very innovative things. It won't be uncommon for me to try anything from eating glass shards to hiring an assassin to kill me. Sure, this may sound desperate, but I'd rather be desperate than stricken with oldness and have to watch helplessly as half of my face falls off every time someone bumps into me. It's a harsh reality that some people have to deal with on a daily basis.
So, since I've been developing my anti-aging routine from about age five, I can expect to all but eliminate the possibility of getting old. But, just in case I still find myself heading towards the 'slow death', I may even try things like becoming a human land mine sweeper or a battery acid tester/drinker. There, I'd like to see old age get me now. I almost feel sorry for it. It must know it's chances of success are getting slimmer by the day. After all, I just went bungee jumping off of a cliff, in my car...without the bungee. This is also known to some as simply 'driving off a cliff.'
Although I've really come up with some groundbreaking techniques to stave off aging, it doesn't mean it can't still get me. I can do this, that, and the other thing but there will always be a chance that I'm one of the unlucky few. In this case I have no choice but to suck it up and prepare for the long haul.
OK, so against all odds I find myself getting old. Now what? One of the first things I have to remember is to keep a positive attitude. This is key. Remaining in good spirits is absolutely imperative. Otherwise, old wins. Old wants to make you feel tired, run down, and depressed. Don't let it.
So, as I'm walking from the bedroom to the bathroom and I snap off at the waist, what do I do? I laugh. That's right, old thinks if it just breaks my hip, forces me to wear diapers, and makes my face look like an old, wrinkled hammock, I'll go crying to my mother, who it already killed. Well, it can think again. So go ahead, break my hip, take my vision, memory, hearing, and loved ones. Make my face look like a withered stump. See if I care. I'm beyond such material things and I'll be damned if I'm going to let a little case of bed wetting and a broken leg, neck, and skull get me down. I'm better than that.
Wow, I'm remaining in better spirits than I could've ever imagined. Sure, I'm a paralyzed mass of broken bones on the floor and can't call for help because my voice box is rotten, but so what? There are literally a million worse things that could've happened. And, as I lay there I can just think; when old finally does me in, people will come to remove my body and see a jumbled human looking thing with urine all around and say, "Man, that guy aged gracefully" And that's what life's really all about.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Dealing with Cops
One of humanities worst fears is spiders. Next on the list is public speaking. But, if you were to keep going down the list, eventually you would come to cops. People hate cops. Even cops hate cops. Why do you think they took one of the most dangerous professions out there in the first place? It's because they're hoping someone will kill them. It's very sad and I would feel sorry for them if they'd just stop giving me tickets. But, since they won't, I've decided I can at least give out some pointers on how I would deal with the police in the most effective and positive way.
Before I even get started on dealing with the dreaded cop encounter, I'd like to first discuss some of the ways to avoid it. In order to prevent getting stopped by the police I try to keep my hit and runs and vehicle rammings to a minimum. This can be a very tricky process given all the people out there that could use a good ramming, but I have to try.
Good, now that I'm somehow managing to drive without hitting anyone, it's time to pull out of my driveway. Once I'm driving down the road, all I need to do is obey the speed limit, stay in my lane, and apply the brakes if I hit someone, especially if it's a pedestrian. That last part is very important. Sure, people don't like getting hit, but what really throws them into a fit is when you hit them and just keep going. I'm not quite sure why, but I know it has something to do with needing a ride to the hospital afterwords. The two often go hand and hand. Often times the hospital is pretty far out of my way, but if they need to go because they're pregnant or something, I'll usually tell them to crawl on in.
If, on the other hand, I tell them to just hang tight and wait for someone to come along who's going that way, they'll usually get all upset and say something like, "Why were you driving on the playground in the first place!!?" But I don't really see how that's any of their business. I've learned to deal with rude people like that.
After I pull away, just as I'm about to take a right at the jungle gym, I usually see the red flashing lights behind me. Oh great, I think to myself, what are they pulling me over for now? I just have to remember to stay calm and not lose my cool.
Usually, when I roll down my window, the policeman will ask why I'm driving off of the main road and then ramble on about hitting someone. I'm not really paying attention at that point, though, because I'm too busy celebrating the fact that he isn't pulling me over for a brake light. I just nod and smile and tell him I have off-road tires so I'm doing alright. That is almost always when the officer gets really agitated and tells me to step out of my car. If you're ever asked to step out of your vehicle, don't do it. Anything the cop needs to ask you he can ask through the window, he doesn't need to be lazy. Sure, he'll usually fling open the door and drag you out, but that's good. Now he'll be in a better mood because he can feel like he accomplished something.
Once I'm out of the vehicle, the cop usually tries to hand-cuff me and put me in his car. In this case, just remember, one of a cops biggest pet peeves is when you try to grab his gun while he's hand-cuffing you. I even try telling him that it's not like I'm a very good shot or anything, but he doesn't really seem to care. You'd think that would be very useful information given the fact that I'm going to be trying to shoot him soon.
In any event, I've found that if you just let the policeman do what he wants, you'll usually be out of prison and back on the streets in no time. They'll give you this whole line of crap about how you have to obey the traffic rules and not run people over and this and that, and sure, it's easy for them to say. They aren't the one that likes to take a shortcut through the playground on their way to work. I guess I could try going the long way around, but that's going to take longer which means I'm going to have to speed. I suppose I'll just shave off some commute time by utilizing the old fashioned method of driving on the sidewalk to avoid red lights. It's a small price to pay to keep everyone safe out there while obeying the law.
Before I even get started on dealing with the dreaded cop encounter, I'd like to first discuss some of the ways to avoid it. In order to prevent getting stopped by the police I try to keep my hit and runs and vehicle rammings to a minimum. This can be a very tricky process given all the people out there that could use a good ramming, but I have to try.
Good, now that I'm somehow managing to drive without hitting anyone, it's time to pull out of my driveway. Once I'm driving down the road, all I need to do is obey the speed limit, stay in my lane, and apply the brakes if I hit someone, especially if it's a pedestrian. That last part is very important. Sure, people don't like getting hit, but what really throws them into a fit is when you hit them and just keep going. I'm not quite sure why, but I know it has something to do with needing a ride to the hospital afterwords. The two often go hand and hand. Often times the hospital is pretty far out of my way, but if they need to go because they're pregnant or something, I'll usually tell them to crawl on in.
If, on the other hand, I tell them to just hang tight and wait for someone to come along who's going that way, they'll usually get all upset and say something like, "Why were you driving on the playground in the first place!!?" But I don't really see how that's any of their business. I've learned to deal with rude people like that.
After I pull away, just as I'm about to take a right at the jungle gym, I usually see the red flashing lights behind me. Oh great, I think to myself, what are they pulling me over for now? I just have to remember to stay calm and not lose my cool.
Usually, when I roll down my window, the policeman will ask why I'm driving off of the main road and then ramble on about hitting someone. I'm not really paying attention at that point, though, because I'm too busy celebrating the fact that he isn't pulling me over for a brake light. I just nod and smile and tell him I have off-road tires so I'm doing alright. That is almost always when the officer gets really agitated and tells me to step out of my car. If you're ever asked to step out of your vehicle, don't do it. Anything the cop needs to ask you he can ask through the window, he doesn't need to be lazy. Sure, he'll usually fling open the door and drag you out, but that's good. Now he'll be in a better mood because he can feel like he accomplished something.
Once I'm out of the vehicle, the cop usually tries to hand-cuff me and put me in his car. In this case, just remember, one of a cops biggest pet peeves is when you try to grab his gun while he's hand-cuffing you. I even try telling him that it's not like I'm a very good shot or anything, but he doesn't really seem to care. You'd think that would be very useful information given the fact that I'm going to be trying to shoot him soon.
In any event, I've found that if you just let the policeman do what he wants, you'll usually be out of prison and back on the streets in no time. They'll give you this whole line of crap about how you have to obey the traffic rules and not run people over and this and that, and sure, it's easy for them to say. They aren't the one that likes to take a shortcut through the playground on their way to work. I guess I could try going the long way around, but that's going to take longer which means I'm going to have to speed. I suppose I'll just shave off some commute time by utilizing the old fashioned method of driving on the sidewalk to avoid red lights. It's a small price to pay to keep everyone safe out there while obeying the law.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Being a Parent
Being a parent is hard work. You have this living thing that you have to make sure keeps living, even if it'd be easier if it didn't. And, to further the complications, not only do you have to keep it alive, but you also have to teach it things. I know this all sounds nearly impossible. After all, how many of us can even say we were a kid before, let alone know how to raise one? Well luckily, I can, and I'm here to help.
One of the first things you need to know when having a baby is that it needs food, just like you and me. That's right, many folks don't realize that a baby is actually made up of the same things as a real person. They think they can just give it stuff like bark and sawdust and it'll be fine. This is almost always a mistake. You have to give it the same type of things that you would eat.
Since babies don't come with teeth, however, you have to feed it stuff that doesn't need to be chewed. I know many people will say, "But won't it choke if it doesn't chew?!" Yes, it usually will, which is why there are companies out there that make foods specifically designed for babies. I'm sure you've heard of m&ms, the candy that melts in your mouth? Well, why do you think they made it that way? That's correct, for babies. Another product especially designed for babies is water. I'd keep my baby on the m&m and water diet until at least age 4, if not indefinitely.
OK great, through proper nutrition and care my baby is now a healthy, young child, what's next? Discipline. This is a crucial component in the child raising process. My kid is like a lump of clay that I need to mold into a respectable individual. That's why I have to put them on a pottery wheel whenever they misbehave. This acts as a one two punch as it shapes them not only literally, but figuratively too. If that doesn't work I could always take away privileges like TV, radio, and unconditional love.
After my child has been sculpted into the perfect human being, it's time to teach them important life lessons. The most obvious of these lessons, of course, is the birds and bees talk. Given the fact that this is a necessary but awkward conversation to have with a child, I would simply wait until my kid is thirty to have it. Then, once they have a wife and kids of their own, I can pull them aside and say, "You understand how you made your children, right?" Now I can feel like I'm doing my job as a parent while keeping things as comfortable as possible.
By following these parental guidelines I can be sure my child will grow up healthy, knowledgeable, and immune to dizziness. This sets them up to go out into the world and make something of themselves. And, even if they don't, I can at least feel good knowing it was all their fault and not mine. I fed them m&ms and water. I disciplined them on a pottery wheel. And I made sure they knew where their kids came from. If they still aren't able to thrive after all that then may god have mercy on their soul, because I probably won't.
One of the first things you need to know when having a baby is that it needs food, just like you and me. That's right, many folks don't realize that a baby is actually made up of the same things as a real person. They think they can just give it stuff like bark and sawdust and it'll be fine. This is almost always a mistake. You have to give it the same type of things that you would eat.
Since babies don't come with teeth, however, you have to feed it stuff that doesn't need to be chewed. I know many people will say, "But won't it choke if it doesn't chew?!" Yes, it usually will, which is why there are companies out there that make foods specifically designed for babies. I'm sure you've heard of m&ms, the candy that melts in your mouth? Well, why do you think they made it that way? That's correct, for babies. Another product especially designed for babies is water. I'd keep my baby on the m&m and water diet until at least age 4, if not indefinitely.
OK great, through proper nutrition and care my baby is now a healthy, young child, what's next? Discipline. This is a crucial component in the child raising process. My kid is like a lump of clay that I need to mold into a respectable individual. That's why I have to put them on a pottery wheel whenever they misbehave. This acts as a one two punch as it shapes them not only literally, but figuratively too. If that doesn't work I could always take away privileges like TV, radio, and unconditional love.
After my child has been sculpted into the perfect human being, it's time to teach them important life lessons. The most obvious of these lessons, of course, is the birds and bees talk. Given the fact that this is a necessary but awkward conversation to have with a child, I would simply wait until my kid is thirty to have it. Then, once they have a wife and kids of their own, I can pull them aside and say, "You understand how you made your children, right?" Now I can feel like I'm doing my job as a parent while keeping things as comfortable as possible.
By following these parental guidelines I can be sure my child will grow up healthy, knowledgeable, and immune to dizziness. This sets them up to go out into the world and make something of themselves. And, even if they don't, I can at least feel good knowing it was all their fault and not mine. I fed them m&ms and water. I disciplined them on a pottery wheel. And I made sure they knew where their kids came from. If they still aren't able to thrive after all that then may god have mercy on their soul, because I probably won't.
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