Eating Out

I love eating out. Enjoying food that someone else made and then not having to clean up afterwords is a wonderful feeling. There can also be pitfalls, though. If you're sitting at a diner, excited about your meal but then it turns out to not be very good, you feel extremely let down. That's why I have found that it's best not to have high expectations. Then, if the food is bad, so what. I already figured it would be and I can feel good knowing I was right. But if it's delicious, it's a pleasant surprise.

Since it's so important to assume that the food is going to be terrible, when the waiter comes over to take my order I like to say things like, "I bet your mashed potatoes are made with lard and dog poop, huh?" Now they know I'm really gearing up to enjoy my meal.

When my food finally arrives I can all but guarantee I'm going to like it. Rarely do any foods actually taste like dog poop, which is what I have myself expecting. But, I also have to make sure I don't let on that I'm satisfied with it either. Otherwise, the waiter will automatically think he has a big tip in the bag and start slacking on his services. This is why I have to spit most of my meal out on the floor. Now whether I'm liking it or not is up in the air and the waiter will still feel like he has to work for his tip.

After I have most of my food chewed up and on the floor, it's time to order some dessert. I wasn't able to eat most of my meal so I'm still quite hungry. When the waiter comes over I'll ask for a hot fudge sundae with whip cream and a cherry on top. Then, to make sure he knows I'm not expecting to like it, when he brings it to me I'll just politely smush it in his face. He'll probably really start to worry about his tip at this point. On one hand, I did order a lot of food, but on the other, most of it is on his face or the floor. This worrying will ensure I end my diner experience with great service.

Now that I have finished with the meal and dessert, I just have to sit and watch the waiter clear the table. This part is very important because he knows it's his last chance to make a good impression. Not only that, but now it's my job to make sure his expectations of a big tip aren't too high. If I let him think he's going to be getting this huge tip and then it doesn't meet what he was anticipating, he'll be sad. But if it's more than he thought, he'll be quite pleased. So, to make sure he assumes the tip won't be very good I'll just tell him I plan on mugging him in the parking lot after his shift is over. This should give him the inkling that I'm probably not a very good tipper.

Once everything is said and done and I get the check I have to be sure not to leave him anything extra. This guy thinks I'm going to mug him later. If I leave him a tip it will clash with my mugger profile and he'll wonder what in the world my deal is. If there's one thing waiters hate more than a bad tipper, it's confusion. Furthermore, now that he really believes I'm going to attack him in the parking lot he'll be overwhelmed with joy when I probably don't. Except I'm going to. Only instead of tackling him to the ground and stealing his money, I'm going to taser him and stuff a dollar bill into his pocket. Now he gets the best of both worlds. He isn't confused as to why I didn't attack him when I promised I would, and he gets a tip. I'm basically every waiters dream customer and he'll probably be absolutely ecstatic to see me when I come back for dinner in an hour.