How to get a Raise

Getting a raise is one of the major goals of any employee. Before even taking a job we'll often first inquire about the possibility of advancements within the company. We want to know whether the starting salary is just that, the starting salary, or if it's just a kind of play figure that can be fondled once we're hired. Basically, before we even start a new job we already want more money. It's for this reason that I'm going to put down the blueprint that I would use for getting a raise at work.

So there I am, slaving away at my job for too many hours and not enough pay, how do I fix that? One of the more basic things I need to do is create the illusion that I'm working more when I'm actually working less. I'm already not getting paid enough. If I work hard then the deficit between too much work and not enough money will only widen. This is why it is imperative that I do as little as possible while making it look like I'm saving the world.

In order to pull this off, what I need to do is bring a bag of mud and a pair of scissors to work with me. Then, when no one is looking, I'll just smear the mud all over myself and cut holes in my jeans with the scissors. After this is done, all I need to do is walk around wiping my forehead and going, "Whew!" People will take one look at me and think I'm working really hard.

This is especially effective if I have an office job. As I'm walking up and down the sterile, spotless carpeting, past the rows of cubicles, someone will eventually look up from their computer and ask what happened to me. That's when I'll tell them I just busted out a weeks worth of reports this morning. At that moment, as they're looking at my tasseled, muddy hair and shredded khaki pants, they'll instantly know that reports don't stand a chance against me.

After awhile, as I'm walking around, my supervisor will come out of his office and say something like, "Why are you covered in dirt, moaning, and pacing in front of my office window?" I'll simply reply, "Oh, is that your window?" It's usually at this point that he'll send me home and tell me not to come back until I've 'cleaned up my act.' But that's just supervisor code for, "Wow, it looks like you've already put in a full days work and should take the rest of the day off." Bottom line, the hard work illusion seems to be taking effect.

The next day, when I go in to work, I'll walk straight into my supervisors office and demand a raise. I'll say, "I think we've both witnessed how hard I'm employing for you." If I use big words like 'employing' it'll seem like I'm really worth more money. Then, the supervisor will give his rebuttal by saying, "Do you work here?" That's when I'll know I have to ramp my efforts up a notch. He's not quite sold on giving me a raise, but he will be.

Once I leave his office I know exactly what I have to do, I have to make everyone else look like they're doing less work. This way I'll look even better by comparison. I have to remember that it's all relative, and if I go up and smash a co-workers computer, I'll look like I'm relatively better at having a computer that works. Clearly, I'll be able to do more employing than the next person if my computer isn't smashed.

The one thing I have to keep in mind when doing this is the fact that people don't like it when you make them look bad. So, after I smash their computer, they'll probably get angry and say, "WHY DID YOU SMASH MY COMPUTER?!" But I have to remember that it's not really about the computer, it's about them looking like a bad worker, and let's face it, they look horrible.

If I just go around the office smashing people's computers, putting protractors through their paper shredders, and stealing their work and passing it off as my own, I can ensure that I'll look as good as possible. I'll have created the illusion that I'm really putting in a hard days work compared to everyone else. And sure, my co-workers may get angry when it appears that they're terrible employees, but I'll just tell them it's only an illusion. If it were true, then they would have something to worry about.

OK, I'm doing everything in my power to get a raise, but then it happens, I get fired instead. What went wrong? The truth is, no matter how good of a worker you are, sometimes you're just not the right fit for a company. It's no one's fault, these things happen. All I have to do now is look on the bright side. Remember that deficit between workload and compensation, for instance? Well, now it's gone. I'm not doing any work and I'm not getting paid anything for it. Everything is completely balanced, just like it should be. All I need to do at this point is go out and find an employer who will appreciate someone that makes it look like they're working hard, even if they're really not.