So you've found the girl or guy of your dreams. Be it a big time businessman from New York, a small town librarian from the Midwest, or a fat bum from McDonald's. It doesn't really matter. What matters is you've found someone special that you can't live without. This is always a great feeling. You have so much in common, you can finish each other's sentences, and, to top it all off, you get free cheeseburgers. There's absolutely nothing in the world that could bring you down. But then it happens; your significant other asks you to meet their parents. To most people this is one of the most anxiety producing situations of all time. And for good reason. Meeting a significant other's parents means you're going to be rigorously analyzed and judged. They're going to be looking for any flaw in your character that they can use against you. If you so much as chew your food wrong you could find yourself staring down the barrel of a shotgun. It's that serious, so don't mess it up.
Whenever it comes time to do the dreaded parental meeting, I like to prepare by practicing my etiquette. I say please and thank you to everyone I meet, I hold the door for complete strangers, and, if time will allow, I go to college and get a degree. All of these things will help me look like an upstanding citizen to my future in-laws.
Often times I'll find that even though I've prepared as best I could I'm still too nervous to take the final plunge. If I don't think I'm ready to go through with the meeting I just sit my partner down and try to convince her to postpone it. I say things like, "Listen sweety, I know how much this means to you, but I don't think it's a good time. It's getting kind of late, it's the flu season, and your parents are old. They're probably lying in bed right now with some terrible illness. I wouldn't even be half surprised if they were dead."
Once we're on our way it's time to swallow my fears and put on a confident face. As we drive I like to give myself a pep talk to help keep my anxiety in check, because honestly, why am I so nervous to meet these people anyway? They aren't anything special. They're nothing but a couple of old retirees with bad backs. They probably just sit around all day playing scrabble and eating crackers! They don't even contribute to society! They aren't good for one damn thing!! They barely deserve to be alive!!! I OUTTA KILL THEM!! And what about their lame excuse for a daughter!? Look at her! Sitting in the driver's seat, sucking in air like a dying blow fish!! What the hell am I even doing with that thing?!! What the hell even is it?!! Certainly not an intelligent life form!!! WHAT A MORON!!! HOW CAN IT EVEN DRIVE A CAR?!!! My pep talk usually ends abruptly when my "girlfriend" states her concern over the way I've been glaring at her the whole time. She just gets more confused when I shout, "IT CAN TALK?!!!"
Once we arrive at our destination I have so much confidence it's flowing out of my ears. Nothing can get me down now. I greet my future in-laws with a big grin and a giant bag of rice cakes. They tell me how nice it is to finally meet and I tell them how our visit must be a nice break from Bingo. Then I ask how their backs are holding up. I bet no other boyfriend was so concerned with their well being. I'm obviously hitting this visit out of the park.
As soon as dinner rolls around it's time to really pour on the charm. I pull out my future in-law's chairs for them, I serve them, and I comb their hair while they eat. I'm being so generous I'm even surprising myself. Now all I have to do is throw in some flattering compliments and the rest will be history. If I say things like, "You know, even though you guys are getting up there in age, your house doesn't smell like old people yet", it should really catapult me into their good graces.
When our visit comes to an end I can feel confident that they got a good impression of me. As we leave I tell them the pleasure was all mine and if they ever get bored they should come visit to see the kinds of things real people do. What a nice couple. And to think, I was nervous to meet them.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Ending a Relationship
I hate ending relationships. I can never find the right words, my partner always starts crying, and my new girlfriend will never stop kissing me. It's an unfortunate circumstance that most of us have to deal with at some point.
Before I decide it's time to put myself through such an uncomfortable event, I search deep within to make sure I'm not making a mistake. The first thing I ask myself is, "Can this relationship be saved?" If my girlfriend is staying out all night, flirting with other guys, and getting restraining orders, maybe. But, on the other hand, if she's doing things like getting fat, there's really nothing I can do.
Once I've come to the conclusion that it's time to split, I need to come up with a game plan. The most important aspect of a break-up is to do it gradually. That's why I usually begin the process on the first date. I don't want my significant other getting blind-sided by a break-up they didn't see coming. I want them to feel it looming right from the start.
To achieve this healthy, loomy feel I just become overly forgetful. Was I supposed to call her on Tuesday or Thursday? Was her birthday on the 6th or the 7th? Did she say she wanted me to pick up her brother, or have sex with her sister? These are all seemingly innocent mistakes that will get my partner thinking.
If a relationship is really dragging on I sometimes worry that my girlfriend thinks it's going to last. Sure, I've forgotten everything from her favorite food to her name. But is it enough? I've found that in this situation it's best to throw in some subtle hints that our relationship may be on shaky ground. Maybe I'll start off small by criticizing her taste in fashion. If I describe her clothes with adjectives like "drab", "boring", or "relationship ending" it should get her attention. After that I'll burn all of her shoes to prove I'm serious. Next, I'll step it up a notch by criticizing her taste in pets. I'll tell her I don't understand how anyone can enjoy a stupid fish unless they're having it for dinner. Then, to really drive the point home I'll eat her goldfish. If all else fails and I can't find any other way out, I'll criticize her taste in men and commit suicide. One of these is bound to work.
Needless to say, once it's time to actually end the relationship I can rest assured that we're both ready. Now I don't have to worry about there being a huge scene filled with crying, yelling, and ugly shoes. That's something to feel good about. And, just to be extra sure I don't have to deal with any overly dramatic nonsense, I often perform my break-ups while in a movie theater. This way, if she starts making a fuss, I'll have an entire audience to help me tell her to shut up. It's just a nice safety measure to ensure everything goes smoothly.
Once my relationship has officially ended the only thing left to do is begin ending my next relationship. I just hope this next one can take a hint.
Before I decide it's time to put myself through such an uncomfortable event, I search deep within to make sure I'm not making a mistake. The first thing I ask myself is, "Can this relationship be saved?" If my girlfriend is staying out all night, flirting with other guys, and getting restraining orders, maybe. But, on the other hand, if she's doing things like getting fat, there's really nothing I can do.
Once I've come to the conclusion that it's time to split, I need to come up with a game plan. The most important aspect of a break-up is to do it gradually. That's why I usually begin the process on the first date. I don't want my significant other getting blind-sided by a break-up they didn't see coming. I want them to feel it looming right from the start.
To achieve this healthy, loomy feel I just become overly forgetful. Was I supposed to call her on Tuesday or Thursday? Was her birthday on the 6th or the 7th? Did she say she wanted me to pick up her brother, or have sex with her sister? These are all seemingly innocent mistakes that will get my partner thinking.
If a relationship is really dragging on I sometimes worry that my girlfriend thinks it's going to last. Sure, I've forgotten everything from her favorite food to her name. But is it enough? I've found that in this situation it's best to throw in some subtle hints that our relationship may be on shaky ground. Maybe I'll start off small by criticizing her taste in fashion. If I describe her clothes with adjectives like "drab", "boring", or "relationship ending" it should get her attention. After that I'll burn all of her shoes to prove I'm serious. Next, I'll step it up a notch by criticizing her taste in pets. I'll tell her I don't understand how anyone can enjoy a stupid fish unless they're having it for dinner. Then, to really drive the point home I'll eat her goldfish. If all else fails and I can't find any other way out, I'll criticize her taste in men and commit suicide. One of these is bound to work.
Needless to say, once it's time to actually end the relationship I can rest assured that we're both ready. Now I don't have to worry about there being a huge scene filled with crying, yelling, and ugly shoes. That's something to feel good about. And, just to be extra sure I don't have to deal with any overly dramatic nonsense, I often perform my break-ups while in a movie theater. This way, if she starts making a fuss, I'll have an entire audience to help me tell her to shut up. It's just a nice safety measure to ensure everything goes smoothly.
Once my relationship has officially ended the only thing left to do is begin ending my next relationship. I just hope this next one can take a hint.
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