Going to the Dentist

Going to the dentist is usually not on anyone's top ten list of fun things to do. I'm not sure why, but it probably has something to do with having your mouth wrenched open so wide you could swallow a basketball, being forced to choke on your own saliva, and getting stabbed repeatedly with sharp objects. Other than that, it's not so bad.

Because going to the dentist is such a traumatizing experience, I often hold off until it is absolutely necessary. And when my teeth are the color and consistency of baked beans, I know 'necessary' is right around the corner. Before I cave in and make an appointment, however, I first go through the five stages of dying teeth, beginning with denial: "You guys aren't that rotten. I kind of like your deep, earthy tones. I don't need to eat foods that are tough to chew, like apples, bread, and pudding." Next is anger: "Just go die and leave me all alone then! Who told you to eat all of that sugar?! You aren't even mine, you were adopted!" After that, it's bargaining: "I'll give you a lollipop if you stop rotting." Then depression: "Oh maybe I'll just die too then." And last, acceptance: "OK you win. I'll go to the dentist, right after I finish this lollipop."

Since I made an appointment and am now in the waiting room, all I can do is nervously pace back and forth, wipe down my sweaty palms, and attempt to jump out the window when they call my name. Once they finally do summon me, I'll take a deep breath and try to pretend I'm all calm, cool, and collected by doing the electric slide into the dentist's office.

After I'm sitting in the operating chair, I'll start rattling off all sorts of friendly banter to try and help conceal my nerves. "It's a nice day today. I wear a size nine shoe. Want to see me jump out the window?" With any luck, he'll realize how anxious I am and have the common courtesy to shoot me in the neck with a tranquilizer dart.

As the dentist hovers above me with horrifying tools like drills, needles, and dental floss, I'll do everything in my power to hold still and stop crying. It's not easy, especially after he stuffs his entire fist in my mouth, but I have to try.

The procedure usually goes quite well once we get to the part where I choke on my own saliva and pass out. Now it's just sit back, relax, and let the dentist do his thing. And, since I'm unconscious, I no longer have to worry about stuff like anxiety, pain, or breathing. It's just how a dentist appointment should be.

When it's all said and done, I'll come to and realize all of my teeth were pulled. I'll look up at the dentist with tears in my eyes and exclaim, "My beans are gone!" With any luck he'll feel bad and give me a lollipop before I leave.

Getting a Haircut

Haircuts are so expensive these days. Last weekend they practically charged me two bucks just for walking through the front door. Then, to make matters worse, I didn't leave a tip. So it looks like everyone got screwed.

Due to the price, the next time I get a haircut I'm going to wear a big Afro wig and have them cut that first, just so I feel like I'm getting my monies worth. After they're finished with the wig, I'll take it off and say, "Surprise!", and tell them they can cut my real hair now. Then, as their trimming, I'll start giving instructions that are really difficult to follow like, "Don't cut every 19th strand. Could you stop staring at my head? Every time a piece of hair hits the floor, I want you to yell, "There she blows!"

Once they've finished with the cutting, I'll request they style the hair on both sides of my head into bull horns and shape the top into a seahorse. While they're working on these sculptures I'll make sure to continue giving instructions like, "Take care to make both horns the same size. Make sure the seahorse appears thoughtful, yet happy." All I have to do is keep this up and my hair cut will be worth every penny, which is perfect because that's what I plan on paying with.

When my appointment is finally finished, I'll walk up to the cashier and place a bag full of pennies on the counter. She'll probably look at me like, "You can't be serious." But I'll look right back at her like, "I have a seahorse on top of my head." It doesn't get much more serious than that.

Seeing how expensive everything is becoming, the only thing we as consumers can do is make sure companies have to really work for our business. So the next time you're out paying for a haircut or a massage, don't just accept whatever they want to give. Instead, tell them you'd like an inverted rainbow mohawk, or feel little, baby panda feet on your back. Only then will we be getting the full value of our money.

Patience

Patience is important, but don't forget about all the other traits. There was this one guy who decided he'd go through life using only patience as a characteristic. When a rabid woodchuck started gnawing on his leg he figured he'd just wait it out. But then the woodchuck ate his entire body. I hope that shows why you need other traits too.

There are also people without any patience, and that isn't good either. They're the type of person who gets angry if they even think they might have to wait. I know one guy who was so sick of waiting for a mug he dropped to hit the floor that he killed his pet poodle. Many people will think that's very sad, but it was an old mug. That doesn't mean it won't ever happen to a new one though.

Though having too much or not enough patience is dangerous, perhaps the most risky situation is having patience, but using it wrong. If you're at Seaworld and get so angry waiting for a dolphin to jump out of the water that you throw your kid at it, that's bad. But it's equally bad if you take your time saving him because you want to make sure it's a really good rescue, and then he drowns. Now, because you didn't know how to use patience, you'll never get to see the dolphins jump or have all of your kids.

I think these scenarios show why it's important to have a variety of characteristics. I'm just glad I was able to write it down like this before anyone loses a brand new mug.

The Boxing Match

When I enter a boxing competition, I enter to win. That means doing anything necessary to gain the upper hand while keeping it as clean as possible.

Before any match begins, I like to do a little last minute training in the locker room. This is key because it enables me to go over my ducking and falling down skills one more time. Now I can be sure I'm more prepared than any of my opponents who just focused more on the punching and blocking part. If they get knocked down they'll have no idea how to handle it due to this lack of training. Being the best at something means preparing for it from every angle.

Once I've got myself all warmed up and ready to go, it's time to enter the ring. Upon getting into my corner I'll usually see my opponent from across the canvas giving me the death stare. This is for intimidation purposes and I need to give it right back. While I'm staring I'll ask my coach to give me a couple of good jabs to the stomach and face for extra intimidation. As my coach is whaling away on me I'll eventually fall down. This is good because it will horrify my opponent as he sees that not only am I good at getting punched, but I can fall down good too. Looking at my huddled, bloody body on the floor, he'll immediately realize that he hasn't properly trained and will probably want to forfeit.

If my intimidation tactics don't scare my opponent off, then I can look forward to doing battle. Once the bell rings the crowd will go wild and then it's just me and Mr. Half Trained going toe to toe. Since I know getting punched and falling down are probably his two main weaknesses, I know exactly where to focus my efforts. My opponent, on the other hand, has no clue what my weaknesses are. He has already seen that I can get punched and fall down, so what's left?

As we meet in the center of the ring I can tell he's nervous by the way he punches me repeatedly. As he's doing his thing he eventually lands an uppercut square on my chin, just as I had planned, sending me to the canvas. Now I have him right where I want him. He just played into all of my strengths leaving him wide open for a counter attack. As I spring up from the floor with the grace of a gazelle, I just start swinging wildly in every direction. I would direct all of my punches toward my opponent but it's hard when you're dizzy and have blurred vision. Eventually I'll start hitting what I assume is my nemesis and go absolutely wild with a flurry of combinations. Left, right, jab, jab, uppercut. Repeat. Repeat. This guy is terrible at falling down, just as I suspected, but he sure can take a punch.

Once my vision slowly returns I realize I wasn't quite hitting my opponent, but more the ring post. As I turn around to face the enemy I'll see him across the ring laughing because he's so happy it wasn't him I was hitting. I point at him with my glove as if to say, "Now it's your turn", as I run full speed toward him while keeping my arm and glove outstretched in front of me. Once I reach him I'll try to ram my glove into his face. After that I'll keep my fist in his face so he doesn't have an opportunity to do or see anything. As I chase him around the ring, keeping my glove in his face, he'll eventually get so annoyed that he'll just swat it away and wallop me with a left hook. This is where all my falling down skills come in handy once again.

Lying on the canvas, I'll decide that instead of getting up, I'll just go to sleep. For whatever reason I'm finding it nearly impossible to keep my eyes open, and since I'm already lying down I might as well take a nap.

When I wake up I'll realize that I lost the the match. Apparently sleeping isn't allowed during the competition. My opponent got lucky. Next time I'll try to stay awake for the entire fight, which can be hard when you're unconscious.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire

Question #1: What is your favorite color?

Question #2: If you had to say the alphabet backwards, could you?

Question #3: How much does one pound weigh in pounds?

Question #4: What do you call the elected leader of the USA?

Question #5: How many squares are on a checker board?

Question #6: What country has the most Shetland Sheep Dogs?

Question #7: How far is Neptune from Earth, in inches?

Question #8: Who was the third ruler of India's son's best friend?

Question #9: Where's Waldo?

Question #10: Is there extraterrestrial life?

Question #11: If train A leaves from New York at 3:15 going 40 MPH, and train B leaves from LA at 9:15 going 55 MPH, when does train C leave?

Question #12: Imagine there is a down pillow sitting in front of you. How many feathers does it have?

Question #13: True or false, how hot is the sun?

Question #14: What is the answer to question #15?

Question #15: If I asked you a question, what would it be?

Question #16: If I'm one thing, and your another thing, which one am I?

Question #17: When looking at a trapezoid, where x=a and b=c, how many little triangles could you fit inside of it?

Question #18: If 9 is 3 and y is w, where is the seventh one?

Question #19: If Mars could talk, what would it say?

Question #20: If Mars couldn't talk, what wouldn't it say, and how would we know it's not saying that?

Question #21: Wrong.

Going Hunting

If you've ever lived in the countryside, went on vacation in the wild, or have seen a tree, you've probably wondered what it takes to be a skilled hunter. Questions like, "How do I find an animal? How will I know when I see one? Are animals even real?" are bound to arise. And although none of these questions are easy to answer, it doesn't mean I shouldn't try.

Whenever going on a hunting trip it's important to use the buddy system. The wilderness is a big place and there probably won't be any road signs. Having a friend who can help navigate could be the difference between getting lost and dying, and having fun and living.

Once I've picked the perfect hunting buddy, preferably someone with a compass, first aid kit, and ham sandwiches, it's time to grab our rifles and go deep into the woods. For those of you that have never been on a hunt, it's very similar to a game of hide and seek. Except in hide and seek the loser knows they lost because they got seen, and in hunting, the loser knows they lost because they're dead. Other than that they're the same.

As we scour the wilderness searching for the fabled 'animal', I usually find myself so anxious to find one that I start shooting at anything that moves. This can be a tiresome way to hunt, especially if it's a windy day, but one of these moving things could eventually be an animal. And sure, maybe only 1% of moving things actually turn out to be animals, but you can't kill 100% of the moving things that you don't shoot.

Sooner or later, as I frantically fire away at branches, streams, and my hunting buddy's feet, we'll come upon a clearing. Getting across this clearing without being seen by the hiding animals can be a tricky process, but not if I camouflage myself with local vegetation. The best way to outsmart the wilderness is to make it think you're a part of it. And since I'm covered in mud, twigs, and a ham sandwich, I fit right in.

Making our way to the other side of the clearing we re-enter the woods and continue our hunt. Then, at that moment, I see my hunting buddy training his rifle on something in the distance. At times like these there's nothing I can do but just let my partner concentrate on taking the shot while I blend into the wilderness as best I can. To do this blending I get down on all fours and pretend to be an elephant. As I roam around using my left arm as a trunk I'll just let out a bunch of convincing trumpet sounds. These decoy efforts ought to throw the deer off of any suspicions it may have about my buddy. It'll take one look at us and think everything is fine.

More often than not the deer will turn and run before we get any shots off. I'm not sure why. My elephant impression is second to none. The only explanation I can come up with is that maybe elephants eat deer. Whatever the reason, we usually leave the hunt empty handed. But that's not to say we didn't enjoy ourselves. Half the fun of hunting is just being in the wild, shooting at everything.

Performing a Seance

If there's one thing about us humans that will never change, it's our desire to speak to dead people. We all want to know what they're up to, how they're doing, and if they have any advice to give us living folk. The only problem with this desire to speak to the dead is the fact that dead people can't speak, because they're dead. This is where performing a seance comes in. A seance is basically any event in which people pay lots of money to watch someone else pretend to talk to ghosts. The key for the person performing the seance, however, is to make it look as real as possible. It is this point that I want to address, because let's face it, I want to open a seance business, and so do you.

In order for my seance business to be successful I need to convince people that I'm a better medium for summoning spirits than the next guy. This is why I would hang a sign in front of my shop that says, "I'm a better medium for summoning spirits than the next guy. All the dead people said so." Now there's no debating who's better because you can't argue with dead people.

Once I have clients coming into my shop on a regular basis, it's time to hone my seance skills. My customers are expecting some serious spirit talk so I have to fake it as best as possible. To accomplish this I would first instruct everyone to come sit around the table with me so I can start my seance chant. During the chant I have to be sure to say strange and mysterious things that no one quite understands like, "Boo Dee Dow Jones Blah Dee Da Dee Da." As I continue this chant I'll begin pulling on fishing line that I have secretly tied to different items around the room. People will take one look at all the objects mysteriously moving on their own and start to get really excited. Then, just as the seance is about to reach its climax, I'll lock the door and light the room on fire. This is necessary because it creates that cool smokey effect. As the room begins to get a nice blaze going I'll just laugh at everyone as they start to get all panicky. Here they were thinking they wanted to talk to dead people but now they can't handle it. A few minutes later, as everyone begins gasping for air in a last ditch attempt to have fun, I'll ask if they want to continue or end a little early. They will almost always choose to end early which is good because I never know how to finish a seance.

Once we're outside of the room the customers will almost always say things like, "We want our money back!" But that's when I'll tell them it's not my fault they're afraid of dead people. It's funny how you can think you want something, but as soon as someone pretends to give it to you, all of a sudden you're too scared to want it anymore. I guess we all learned a little something.