Being a Parent

Being a parent is hard work. You have this living thing that you have to make sure keeps living, even if it'd be easier if it didn't. And, to further the complications, not only do you have to keep it alive, but you also have to teach it things. I know this all sounds nearly impossible. After all, how many of us can even say we were a kid before, let alone know how to raise one? Well luckily, I can, and I'm here to help.

One of the first things you need to know when having a baby is that it needs food, just like you and me. That's right, many folks don't realize that a baby is actually made up of the same things as a real person. They think they can just give it stuff like bark and sawdust and it'll be fine. This is almost always a mistake. You have to give it the same type of things that you would eat.

Since babies don't come with teeth, however, you have to feed it stuff that doesn't need to be chewed. I know many people will say, "But won't it choke if it doesn't chew?!" Yes, it usually will, which is why there are companies out there that make foods specifically designed for babies. I'm sure you've heard of m&ms, the candy that melts in your mouth? Well, why do you think they made it that way? That's correct, for babies. Another product especially designed for babies is water. I'd keep my baby on the m&m and water diet until at least age 4, if not indefinitely.

OK great, through proper nutrition and care my baby is now a healthy, young child, what's next? Discipline. This is a crucial component in the child raising process. My kid is like a lump of clay that I need to mold into a respectable individual. That's why I have to put them on a pottery wheel whenever they misbehave. This acts as a one two punch as it shapes them not only literally, but figuratively too. If that doesn't work I could always take away privileges like TV, radio, and unconditional love.

After my child has been sculpted into the perfect human being, it's time to teach them important life lessons. The most obvious of these lessons, of course, is the birds and bees talk. Given the fact that this is a necessary but awkward conversation to have with a child, I would simply wait until my kid is thirty to have it. Then, once they have a wife and kids of their own, I can pull them aside and say, "You understand how you made your children, right?" Now I can feel like I'm doing my job as a parent while keeping things as comfortable as possible.

By following these parental guidelines I can be sure my child will grow up healthy, knowledgeable, and immune to dizziness. This sets them up to go out into the world and make something of themselves. And, even if they don't, I can at least feel good knowing it was all their fault and not mine. I fed them m&ms and water. I disciplined them on a pottery wheel. And I made sure they knew where their kids came from. If they still aren't able to thrive after all that then may god have mercy on their soul, because I probably won't.