Dealing with Cops

One of humanities worst fears is spiders. Next on the list is public speaking. But, if you were to keep going down the list, eventually you would come to cops. People hate cops. Even cops hate cops. Why do you think they took one of the most dangerous professions out there in the first place? It's because they're hoping someone will kill them. It's very sad and I would feel sorry for them if they'd just stop giving me tickets. But, since they won't, I've decided I can at least give out some pointers on how I would deal with the police in the most effective and positive way.

Before I even get started on dealing with the dreaded cop encounter, I'd like to first discuss some of the ways to avoid it. In order to prevent getting stopped by the police I try to keep my hit and runs and vehicle rammings to a minimum. This can be a very tricky process given all the people out there that could use a good ramming, but I have to try.

Good, now that I'm somehow managing to drive without hitting anyone, it's time to pull out of my driveway. Once I'm driving down the road, all I need to do is obey the speed limit, stay in my lane, and apply the brakes if I hit someone, especially if it's a pedestrian. That last part is very important. Sure, people don't like getting hit, but what really throws them into a fit is when you hit them and just keep going. I'm not quite sure why, but I know it has something to do with needing a ride to the hospital afterwords. The two often go hand and hand. Often times the hospital is pretty far out of my way, but if they need to go because they're pregnant or something, I'll usually tell them to crawl on in.

If, on the other hand, I tell them to just hang tight and wait for someone to come along who's going that way, they'll usually get all upset and say something like, "Why were you driving on the playground in the first place!!?" But I don't really see how that's any of their business. I've learned to deal with rude people like that.

After I pull away, just as I'm about to take a right at the jungle gym, I usually see the red flashing lights behind me. Oh great, I think to myself, what are they pulling me over for now? I just have to remember to stay calm and not lose my cool.

Usually, when I roll down my window, the policeman will ask why I'm driving off of the main road and then ramble on about hitting someone. I'm not really paying attention at that point, though, because I'm too busy celebrating the fact that he isn't pulling me over for a brake light. I just nod and smile and tell him I have off-road tires so I'm doing alright. That is almost always when the officer gets really agitated and tells me to step out of my car. If you're ever asked to step out of your vehicle, don't do it. Anything the cop needs to ask you he can ask through the window, he doesn't need to be lazy. Sure, he'll usually fling open the door and drag you out, but that's good. Now he'll be in a better mood because he can feel like he accomplished something.

Once I'm out of the vehicle, the cop usually tries to hand-cuff me and put me in his car. In this case, just remember, one of a cops biggest pet peeves is when you try to grab his gun while he's hand-cuffing you. I even try telling him that it's not like I'm a very good shot or anything, but he doesn't really seem to care. You'd think that would be very useful information given the fact that I'm going to be trying to shoot him soon.

In any event, I've found that if you just let the policeman do what he wants, you'll usually be out of prison and back on the streets in no time. They'll give you this whole line of crap about how you have to obey the traffic rules and not run people over and this and that, and sure, it's easy for them to say. They aren't the one that likes to take a shortcut through the playground on their way to work. I guess I could try going the long way around, but that's going to take longer which means I'm going to have to speed. I suppose I'll just shave off some commute time by utilizing the old fashioned method of driving on the sidewalk to avoid red lights. It's a small price to pay to keep everyone safe out there while obeying the law.