Key to a Happy Marriage

Marriage can be a wonderful thing. You have this other person who has taken an oath to remain by your side no matter what. It's quite beautiful sometimes. Then, however, you also have the fact that a huge number of marriages end in divorce. What's going wrong here? How can a couple be so happy together one day, and the next have so much mutual hate that they want to murder and divorce each other? It is because of this that I feel I need to outline the steps I would take to maintain a happy marriage.

First of all, before I can even think about tying the knot, I have to find another person that I want to be tied to. I have discovered that the easiest way to do this is by handing out questionnaires to women on the street. Now, most people will read this and say, "There's no way any woman is going to fill out a questionnaire given to them by some nut job." And you're almost right. But, what you're missing is the fact that there will always be someone that will, and when I find that someone, I will be able to immediately cross them off the list of possible mates. Only weirdos fill out surveys on the street. Using this method I can narrow the playing field down one by one, until I find 'the one'.

Using the questionnaire technique I've found my future wife, great. What's next? Now I need to make her realize she needs to marry me by telling her I'm rich. Whether or not I'm really rich isn't important. All that matters is that I trick her into marrying me. Then, since our marriage will be based on a lie, it will have a better chance to grow strong by overcoming this lie. A strong, lasting marriage isn't forged through honesty and trust, but through trials and tribulations. And sure, my wife will get upset when she realizes I lied about being rich, but that's the perfect opportunity for me to just smile and say, "Can you feel that? Our marriage getting stronger?" I can hardly wait until she finds out that I'm an escaped convict. Our marriage is going to be a steel bunker of love and trust.

Great, I've found the woman of my dreams and tricked her into marrying me which gave us a strong, healthy marriage. Now what? The last thing is ensuring our marriage stays strong. This is the most important part of any relationship. I have to do everything in my power to keep my wife happy and content. The easiest way to accomplish this is to do nothing. That's right, let her do the cooking, cleaning, working, and shopping. I just have to make sure she knows that it's not that I don't want to help out, it's just that she does such a good job, almost as good as I could do. If I know my wife like I think I do, a compliment like that will send her floating on air. Women love compliments.

Not only do I have to keep her content by giving her compliments, but I also have to make sure I steal money from her every now and then. This is especially important after she finds out I'm an escaped convict. If I don't steal her money she might start thinking that not only do I not have a job, but I'm also not even good at being a criminal. She didn't marry me because I was bad at committing crimes. I have to remember that.

If I just follow these steps I can feel good knowing that I'm doing everything humanly possible to create a lasting marriage. And sure, there's always a chance that it still won't work out, but there will be nobody to blame but my wife. I'll simply tell everyone that I kept stealing and stealing from her but it was never enough. Some people out there are just never satisfied.