Having Fun at the Fair

Whenever anyone thinks of the most fun they've ever had they almost never think of the fair. There is a very good reason for this; fairs just aren't that fun. The rides make you sick, the carneys yell at you when they should be bathing, and the entrance fee is too high. But, despite all of these setbacks, I still think there are ways to have a good time. I just have to know where to look.

One of the first things I have to remember when going to the fair is the fact that the less I have to pay to enter, the more I'll feel like it was worth it. This is why I never pay an entrance fee. I want to feel like I got a great deal on admissions, and I can't do that if I had to pay to get in. So, in order to avoid the fee I simply light myself on fire and run quietly past the attendant at the toll booth. Remember, they'll almost never make you pay if you're running quietly and burning. It's a little known discount that most fairs don't like to advertise. If that doesn't work, however, then I'll just take out a gun and point it at the gate keeper. This works because attendants are shy and don't like things being pointed at them.

Great, now I can feel good knowing that I got an excellent bargain on admissions, what's next? Next I need to be able to walk around without being harassed by all of the employees. After all, how can I have a good time if I'm uncomfortable? I can't. So, what I need to do is go through and play every single game there is, but make sure I do it very badly so they don't ask me to play again. Let's take that game where you throw balls at the stack of bottles for instance. What I'll do is take the balls and just kind of start chucking them as hard as I can at all of the other carneys. This will not only show the guy at the stack of bottles that I'm not very good, but everyone else will get that feeling too. If I happen to knock someone down then I have to remember to cheer and ask for a prize. This is important because it's a game, and games are only fun if your cheering and winning things.

Once this is done I can probably walk around wherever I'd like without being hassled. Either that or I can play a really bad game of darts, which brings me to my next point; people hate getting stabbed. When trying to get people to leave me alone it's good to know their likes and dislikes. If I just push those dislike buttons enough I'll probably never be bothered.

OK, so I'm walking around the fair without being bothered. The next thing I have to do is help other people have a good time. If I'm not going to go on rides because they make me sick, then the least I can do is ensure that everyone else is enjoying their stay.

The first thing I have to realize about the fair is that people go for the thrills. If I want them to have a good time I have to give them what they came for. One of the more effective ways to accomplish this is to go over to the carousel and knock people off. This way they get the best of both worlds. Not only were they having fun by going around in circles, but now they're having a blast by getting shoved to the ground. If they happen to look like they're still not too thrilled, however, I may scream things at them like, "IF I BEAT YOU TO YOUR HOUSE I'M GONNA BURN IT DOWN!!", just to give them a real rush and sense of urgency. The look of surprise on their face is all it takes to make me feel like I'm really helping out.

Now that I'm having fun at the fair by throwing baseballs at carneys and giving people thrilling shoves off the carousel, it's time to eat. All the excitement really works up an appetite, however I'm still not quite hungry enough to pay for the food. Remember, food is only worth money if you really need it. I try explaining this to the cashier but they usually insist I pay anyway. In this case, to prove I'm really not THAT hungry, I'll simply take all of their fried dough and throw it in the garbage. This way they can clearly see that I'm not desperate. If I was I wouldn't have thrown all of their food away like that. I can now expect them to make me a fresh piece of fried dough on the house.

Most of the time they go on about how it doesn't matter how hungry I am and that I still have to pay, but I usually get my point across by smashing their fountain drink machine. There, now they know that I'm not that thirsty either. Eventually, they see that it wouldn't be worth it for me to pay for anything since I don't need it that badly, and they just give me whatever I want and act like they're all frightened. I just laugh and tell them they don't have to worry, I'm sure their food is delicious. Being a good cook is really important to some people.

If I just try some of the things I've mentioned, I can be sure to have a good fair experience. There are plenty of little tricks like these that can be used to make sure I don't pay too much or get harassed by the employees. And, who knows, maybe the next time I'm at the fair I can do even more to help people have fun. Imagine how thrilling it would be to get spun upside down in the Ferris Wheel or lit on fire while on a roller coaster. The latter would probably be really exciting, just flying through the air with flames shooting out of you. Then, when you see people pointing at you in awe, you can feel good knowing that not only are you having the time of your life, but, because of you, other people are too. For my money, which I didn't pay, it doesn't get any better than that.