Aging Gracefully

Getting old is a fact of life. Almost everyone will have to do it at some point. Unless, of course, you die prematurely of some disease, commit suicide, are murdered, are in a fatal car accident, a vending machine falls on you, you're eaten by wolves, or someone accidentally pushes you into a tar pit, which brings me to my next point; most people won't die of old age. Now, before everyone begins to jump for joy, just remember, old age does still get some people, and that's the problem I'd like to address. An estimated 1 in 5 people will come down with this horrible condition, and the older you get, the more likely you are to be a victim. What's worse, through 'medical advances' these numbers are expected to rise dramatically in the coming years.

What most people don't realize is that there are ways to actually reduce your chances of getting old. I personally, for instance, am a huge supporter of speeding, eating butter, and playing with baby bears that I find in the woods. I can expect all of these things to bring me significantly closer to my goal rather than simply going through the motions.

As I get older, if I find that those little things aren't doing the trick, then I'll have to really step up my anti-aging regimen until I start seeing the results I want. Indeed, once I hit my thirties I expect to be doing some very innovative things. It won't be uncommon for me to try anything from eating glass shards to hiring an assassin to kill me. Sure, this may sound desperate, but I'd rather be desperate than stricken with oldness and have to watch helplessly as half of my face falls off every time someone bumps into me. It's a harsh reality that some people have to deal with on a daily basis.

So, since I've been developing my anti-aging routine from about age five, I can expect to all but eliminate the possibility of getting old. But, just in case I still find myself heading towards the 'slow death', I may even try things like becoming a human land mine sweeper or a battery acid tester/drinker. There, I'd like to see old age get me now. I almost feel sorry for it. It must know it's chances of success are getting slimmer by the day. After all, I just went bungee jumping off of a cliff, in my car...without the bungee. This is also known to some as simply 'driving off a cliff.'

Although I've really come up with some groundbreaking techniques to stave off aging, it doesn't mean it can't still get me. I can do this, that, and the other thing but there will always be a chance that I'm one of the unlucky few. In this case I have no choice but to suck it up and prepare for the long haul.

OK, so against all odds I find myself getting old. Now what? One of the first things I have to remember is to keep a positive attitude. This is key. Remaining in good spirits is absolutely imperative. Otherwise, old wins. Old wants to make you feel tired, run down, and depressed. Don't let it.

So, as I'm walking from the bedroom to the bathroom and I snap off at the waist, what do I do? I laugh. That's right, old thinks if it just breaks my hip, forces me to wear diapers, and makes my face look like an old, wrinkled hammock, I'll go crying to my mother, who it already killed. Well, it can think again. So go ahead, break my hip, take my vision, memory, hearing, and loved ones. Make my face look like a withered stump. See if I care. I'm beyond such material things and I'll be damned if I'm going to let a little case of bed wetting and a broken leg, neck, and skull get me down. I'm better than that.

Wow, I'm remaining in better spirits than I could've ever imagined. Sure, I'm a paralyzed mass of broken bones on the floor and can't call for help because my voice box is rotten, but so what? There are literally a million worse things that could've happened. And, as I lay there I can just think; when old finally does me in, people will come to remove my body and see a jumbled human looking thing with urine all around and say, "Man, that guy aged gracefully" And that's what life's really all about.