How to Wait in Line at the Grocery Store

We've all been there; a busy grocery store, every line a mile long, kids screaming, you trying to top them, and the list goes on and on. To some people this can be one of the most frustrating situations in the world. All you want to do is get in and out without all the waiting and hassle. Well, if this sounds like you then be glad you stumbled onto this sacred text, for I am about to explain, plain as day, all the things I would do to make the most out of a seemingly hopeless predicament.

So there I am, standing at the back of an extremely long line in the grocery store. What can I do? One of the first things I'll do in this situation is attempt to make the line shorter. This might sound impossible, but there are actually ways of making people realize they're not done shopping yet. For instance, one little trick I like to do is secretly take something out of the cart of the person in front of me, like a toothbrush, and place it in my cart. Then, once this is done, I'll simply tap them on the shoulder and say, "Didn't you want to buy a toothbrush?" They'll usually give me a confused look and say something like, "Um, I am buying one." And as they rummage through their cart looking for it, I'll just stand and stare all while growling and bearing my teeth. Once they look back and see me doing this, they get so frightened because they don't have a toothbrush that they practically run out of the line. And who could blame them? Decaying teeth are scary.

You can also do the exact opposite of the previous trick. That's right, actually placing something into the cart of the person in front of you can be just as effective. What I'll do is look at what they're buying and pick out something that I am also going to purchase, like a turkey. Then, I'll secretly take my turkey out of my cart and place it in theirs, next to their other one. At this point, all I have to do is ask them if they really want to purchase two turkeys. Naturally, when they look down into their cart they'll feel like an idiot and say something like, "Why did I pick up two?!", but how am I supposed to know?

Every now and then the whole adding something they already have backfires and the person just says they could use two anyway. In this case, I simply pull out my handy second turkey and ask if they really wanted three. That ought to fix their cocky little wagon.

Now, at some point, as I'm working my way up the line, I'm bound to come across a person that's buying only one item, like a newspaper. Getting past this person can be a bit tricky. And I know, they only have one item, who cares, right? I care. There could be 8 or 9 people ahead of them who are also buying only one item and that adds up to 10 or 11 items. Trust me, I did the math. So, to get this person out of line I'll usually just rip the newspaper out of their hand and chuck it across the store. Then I'll ask, "Didn't you want that newspaper?" The answer is almost always yes. Well guess what, now they're standing in line with no items to buy. They have no reason to continue standing there and I'll make sure they know it.

Eventually, if I keep using these techniques, I'll find myself at the front of the line. And sure, most of the time I'll have a completely different cart full of products than when I started, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is that I don't have to wait. And maybe, once I'm placing my products on the belt, all I have in my cart is a pink razor and sausage, but what if that's all I really needed anyway? See, these are the questions.