Visiting the Grandparents

Going to your grandparents house can be a very rewarding experience. Often times they're delighted to see their grand kids and always have some sort of story to tell. That's not to say that you have nothing to worry about, however. As with anything else, there are certain things to be aware of when visiting the eldest of the relatives, and that's what I'm here to talk about.

When visiting the grandparents I have to keep one thing in mind, they're old. They probably aren't going to be able to hear, see, smell, recognize, or remember me in any way unless I'm sure to take the proper measures. Some of these proper measures include things like talking through a megaphone and wearing bright colored clothing and reflectors. This way they should be able to vaguely make out the sounds and visuals that I'm putting out there.

Another thing I may want to do is crawl on the floor instead of walk. They've been around a very long time. Their short term memory isn't what it used to be and the last time they remember seeing me was probably when I was a baby. With any luck, they'll see some shiny, loud thing crawling around on the floor and know exactly who it is. If this works, great, if it doesn't, they're at least bound to get the inkling that they aren't alone, and when that happens we can finally bond the way family should. Patience is really the name of the game here. They would wait for me and I need to give them the same courtesy. But, since I also don't have all day, I'll usually just start throwing little pebbles at their face. Eventually, their faulty feeling receptors will kick in and we'll be having a lovely time together just like we used to.

Great, now that my grandparents are aware of my presence, it's time to have a nice chat. But before I go shooting my megaphone off, I have to remember who I'm talking to; old people. I have to make sure I don't say anything about any new, fancy ideas or inventions because it will only confuse them. They don't know anything about cell phones, light bulbs, or pine trees and they don't care. They grew up without them and the last thing they need is for me to make their lives more complicated. As long as I just stick to the basics, like wooden teeth and suspenders, I should be fine.

Another topic I have to try and steer clear of is anything to do with death or dying. These people are old, not stupid. They know as well as I do that they could die any minute. I need to keep all conversations away from anything to do with this fact. That means no eating or drinking of any kind during my visit. This is important because the purpose of both of those things is to keep yourself alive. And sure, it's easy for a young person like me to stay alive, but I don't need to go rubbing it in their face by showing them exactly how I intend on doing it. Therefore, the intake of any kind of life sustaining substance is strictly forbidden.

To further this train of thought, I have to be sure to closely monitor the wording of any phrases I may want to use. For example, if I want to tell my grandparents I bought a new pair of shoes, I can't just come out and say it like that. I have to be sensitive to the fact that sure, an old pair of shoes can be replaced, but an old pair of people cannot. Therefore, I didn't 'buy new shoes to replace the old ones', I simply 'attained the rights to an advanced model in order to banish the delinquent duality.' They probably won't have any idea what I just said but I can still feel good knowing that I'm contributing to the conversation.

I also have to be absolutely certain not to say anything like, "My pet hamster died." Instead, it's, "My pet hamster is permanently malfunctioning." Am I surfing the web on my phone? No way. How could I "surf on a web"? What is a "phone"? And who am "I"? Is that a t-shirt grandpa's wearing? Well, I guess that one's ok for now, but I'll keep an eye on it.

Now, I know most people will think I'm taking things a little far here, but I'm really not. Studies prove that the elderly probably think about being old and/or dying about once every five seconds. That's a lot. What's more, the data appears to suggest that that's pretty much all they can think about if they're having a stroke or heart attack. Indeed, strenuous activities such as these are especially taxing on old people. The bottom line is, they are already consumed with thoughts about death as it is, they don't need me contributing to those thoughts.

If I just stick to my guns and really watch the kind of things I say and do, I can be sure to have a great visit without offending anyone. I do have to admit, however, it's very tough not to eat the freshly baked cookies my grandma makes whenever I'm there. Sometimes I get so tempted that I'll begin reaching out to grab one, but then I see my grandparents just sitting there smiling with a look of, "Oh, look who's planning on staying alive." It's at that point that I retract my hand and try to be a little more respectful. These are my grandparents, if I can't be understanding of their unfortunate situation, who can?