Making friends can be a difficult process. There are literally six billion people on the planet, and most of them probably don't like you. So what is one to do when they find themselves in a new place, with new people, and a need for human interaction? Well, we certainly can't get your ideas, because this isn't you. No, it's time to share some of the things I would do, because let's face it, you're not exactly what I would call me.
So there I am, in a new town and with no one to call a friend. How do I go about getting to know people? One of the first things I have to keep in mind is that I can't meet anyone by staying in my house. Strangers like to play hard to get. They aren't going to just waltz into some other strangers home unless they're a serial killer. And I know what you're thinking, "Can you make friends with a serial killer?!" The answer here is it depends. If they have a gun and shoot me immediately, probably not. But if they use a knife, it's a whole different story. Now I have a little time to get to know them while they stab me. I just have to make sure to keep direct eye contact and ask things like, "Where are you from? Who inspires you?" It also doesn't hurt to throw a couple compliments their way. If I tell them how sharp their knife is or how they would probably make a great chef based on their skill and dedication to stabbing things, they just might change their mind about the whole murder. Then maybe we could get a lasting friendship going. That's always the hope anyway.
Another tried and true strategy of murderers is the whole burying the victim alive routine. I feel that anyone who goes with this technique is just begging for friendship. It takes so much planning and preparation to pull it off that it's basically like them saying, "Please, look at how much effort I'm putting into us. Can't we be friends?" However, in this case, I'd be a little wary. Any murderer willing to go through the trouble of digging a hole, putting me inside of it, and then refilling the hole has a high probability of becoming clingy. Being suffocated by a relationship can be just as uncomfortable as literal suffocation. I need to decide which one is right for me before I open the door to friendship.
Finally, I want to talk about a murder tactic that has the greatest chance of interfering with possible friendship: strangulation. This one can be a bit tricky because I'll only have a couple minutes to make my case, and I won't be able to talk. It's situations like these that I'm glad I'm good at charades. So, as they're doing their thing I'll just kind of smile and pat their head while I do my best not to pass out on this potential friend. If that doesn't work I'll go right into signing 'me, love, you' with my hands. With any luck they'll see that I'm really not a bad guy. They'll probably even let me go and ask if I want to go fishing next weekend, and of course I will. I'll say, "Sure! Why didn't we go this week-...ohhh yeah. You tried to kill me!" And we'll both have a good laugh.
Anyway, these are some of the things I would do to convert possible murders into friendships, should the need ever arise. Life is too short to go through it alone, especially if I can't win over the people that want to kill me. It's times like those that it's perhaps the most important to have a good friend-making game plan. Whatever happens, when it's all said and done, at least I'll know I did everything in my power to try and create a lasting relationship. Then, when I'm dead, the serial killer will have to live with the fact that they probably just killed their best friend. Who'll be sorry then?
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