Going to the Mall

Going to the mall is serious business. You never know who you're going to run into so you have to be prepared for anything. One of the first steps in accomplishing this feat is assembling the proper attire. I don't know about you, but when I go to the mall, I go to make everyone else look stupid and ugly. I want to look so good that no one else can even remember what made them think they needed to be alive. This may sound harsh and cruel, but just look at it this way, it isn't.

So, now that I've got myself looking so good that even my pet goldfish finds a way to drown itself, it's time to hop in my car and cruise to the mall. As I'm cruising I have to make sure I'm getting into the zone. I need to mentally prepare to shock and awe all those who think they can look at me without being shocked and awed. To do this I simply drive with my head out the window to make sure other drivers see what I'm putting out there. I know they like my stuff by the way they ignore me. Yeah, that's right, I see you ignoring me over there.

Half the time, someone will swerve into my lane and start beeping at me while I'm cruising. They like what they see and they're just coming over to tell me. They even go so far as to tell me that I was the one swerving into them. Yeah, OK, good one guy. As if I even need to look at the road to drive. My style drives for me.

Usually I don't even end up making it to the mall because someone wants to tell me how good I look so badly that they crash into me. Then they get all embarrassed and act like I hit them. I tell them that I understand what they're doing, but they're still going to have to pay for the damages. They usually get angry and threaten to call the cops, but I persuade them not to by smashing their phone. After that, I drive away and look back at them with an "I forgive you" look on my face. But that usually encourages someone else to crash into me.

If I do happen to get to the mall then it's time to really shine. I strut my stuff so good that other people can barely move. Yeah, you just stand there in the window and act like your a mannequin, it's fine with me. I'm so busy being cool that sometimes I even trip over my own pant leg. People point and laugh as if to say, "Can you teach me?" But I can't. Or maybe I just won't.

Eventually, I'll do something like tumble into the water fountain and security will have to come and escort me back to my retirement home. They like to say things like I'm having another end of life crisis. Either way, once they get me back to the old folks home, I know I'll be breaking hips everywhere I go. When you're this smooth, there's going to be casualties.