If you're like me, you've probably found yourself lost in the woods at least five times this week. And it's only Tuesday. This can be a very off-putting predicament, but I've found several ways to make my situation less threatening.
To begin, I want to share some of the things that I feel may contribute to getting lost in the first place. After all, if you don't get lost, you don't have to get found. Or, on the flip side, if you don't get found, you don't have to keep getting lost. Or, if you get lost while you're found, then you don't have to worry about losing your find. OR, if you're the founder, then the loser was never lost and the loster was never loose. As you can see, I am lost already, and I'm not even in the woods. This is why I feel I need to provide some guidelines for surviving the wilderness.
To get started, I'm simply going to go through the steps I take when going on a hike. Perhaps by writing it down like this, something will really jump out at me and say, "Well shucks, this is why I'm getting lost!" So let's see...one of the first things I do when getting ready for a hike is put on my walking shoes and look for a place I'm not familiar with. Why would I want to go someplace I've already been? That's boring. I want adventure. And I'm not going to find that by going someplace I've either already been, thought about going, or knew existed. So, I drive and drive until I find myself saying, "Where the #&*% am I!" If that means traveling to a different state or country, fine.
To a lot of people I'm probably making an obvious mistake already. And after writing it down like this, I'll have to admit, I see it too: I'm wearing walking shoes to go hiking. Of course I'm getting lost! When going for a hike, my feet are like my steering wheels.They guide me in the direction I want to go. How are they supposed to guide me correctly if they aren't dressed appropriately? It's like watching a woman try to run up a flight of stairs in high heels. Of course she's going to break all of her ankles and go crumbling to the ground. Good point, let's move on.
Once I've driven until I'm sure I don't recognize my surroundings, I spray myself with bug spray, apply some sunscreen, blindfold myself, and head toward what I think are the woods. I usually know I'm deep enough after I start running into tree after tree. Sometimes however, I'll take off the blindfold and realize I was just following a line of telephone poles. In this case I simply re-apply the blindfold and repeat until successful.
As soon as I'm in the heart of the forest I get really excited to start my hike. However, this also happens to be the time that I realize I'm completely lost. Just keep in mind, if you ever find yourself in this situation, there's no need to panic. You just have to think of all the safety and survival tips you've learned over the years. Since there's obviously no time to decide which one would be best, I simply use them all and quickly begin to stop, drop, and roll, "Just Say No," and then play dead. I have successfully run through every safety procedure known to man. Dying is not an option at this point.
I know a lot of people will read this and say, "Aren't you going a little overboard here?" And the answer is no. This is a matter of life and death. There's no such thing as going overboard. There's hardly even a board at all. Think about it. If someone was about to harpoon a shark that was trying to eat you, would you say, "I think you're going a little overboard"? The correct answer here is probably. The odds of getting eaten by a shark are so slim that it's basically equivalent to winning the lottery. You'd be crazy not to take it. Anyway, back to my dilemma.
I'm really remaining in control of the situation. If all else fails, I can even try the survival technique used by fish and just start flopping around on the ground for a while. They seem to think it's worth a shot. When you're in a predicament like this there's no such thing as a desperate maneuver.
One of these safety tricks is bound to work sooner or later. I just have to find which one, and preferably before the local wildlife realize I'm lost. After all, they're lost too, and they've been out here much longer than I have. They're cold, tired, and hungry, and I must look absolutely delicious flopping around.
If I do happen to be spotted by one of man's worst fears, an angry grizzly, there's no chance of survival. They're bigger, quicker, stronger, smarter, more punctual, tidier, classier, and far more responsible than I am. There's no way I'm making it out alive and it would be ridiculous to even try. I may as well take out my pocket knife and start slicing myself into bite size pieces. Hey, if I don't do it the bear will, and I hear they take their maulings very seriously.
Just before I begin slicing, however, I almost always regain my bearings and find that I wasn't in the middle of the woods like I thought, but more by the side of the road. I guess I was thrown off by all of the trees in front of me. It's times like these that I should have applied the survival technique of turning around. Here I was, rolling around, playing dead, and flopping on the ground right next to the highway for everyone to see. I must have looked like such an amateur.
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