A Crisis is Brewing

There is a major crisis happening right before our very eyes. No, I'm not talking about global warming or the spread of disease. Those things are mere child's play compared to what I'm referring to. And after I reveal this catastrophe you'll probably say to yourself, "Holy marbles, I can't believe I didn't see this before!" Or maybe even, "Oh my Jack Russel Terriers, he's right!" And to a lesser extent, "Oh hairy barrel horseshoes now."

What I'm referring to, of course, is celebrities giving their babies completely unnecessary and ridiculous names. At first glance this might just seem like a harmless trend but I think everyone will agree that it will most likely get blown into preposterous proportions. After all, what are we going to do when we have a Frying Pan and Tree Stump walking around out there among us? How will you feel when you have to say "Hi Biscuits, can I leave early on Friday?" to your boss? And, more importantly, how will the people that have been given a name like Curtain Rod or Soap Shavings feel about themselves? Clearly something needs to be done.

If you're not convinced that this is a huge problem then maybe the story of Johnny Appleseed will make you think twice. I know you've heard of the happy tree planting side of the story but I'm also sure that you haven't heard the other side of Mr. Appleseed's life. See, when Johnny was a young boy and first began to understand language he realized what his name stood for. And, as any young boy with a name like Appleseed would obviously do, he planted himself. He spent his childhood chest-deep in dirt, turning his sunburnt face to the skies whenever the rains fell. Later in Johnny's life he decided that if he couldn't take root next to his apple tree brethren then he would just plant them all over the place and wear a pan on his head.

I hope this illustrates the dangers of giving people inappropriate names. Sure, planting yourself is pretty harmless but what will a kid named Electric Chair Johnson or Knife Wound Jones try to do? Exactly. It must be stopped and you know it. Quit acting like it's not your problem because when Urinal Cakes Murphy comes to your home and tries to flush you down the toilet, it will be.