Meeting the Neighbors

When you move to a new place, one of the first things you have to do is meet and make friends with the neighbors. This can be a tricky process but there are a few things I would do to make it go smoothly. For starters, I can knock on their door and ask whoever answers if they want to help me move my stuff into my house. If they say yes, neat, but if they say no then I'll just remind them that I'm going to be living next door and then sort of act like I might want to kill them.

Now that they're helping me move my stuff into my house, the next thing I have to do is check how friendly they are. A simple test is to tell them to carry in my washing machine and bathtub while I carry in a ball of yarn or something. I'll just sort of walk a step in front of them and stare back to see what kind of facial expressions they're making.

Once I've assessed their level of friendliness, the next thing I have to do is make sure they don't have any sort of anger management issues. After all, I'm going to be living next to this person. I want to know what they would do if I accidentally stole their refrigerator or unknowingly threw a brick at their horse. So, to check to see if they have anger issues I would just playfully run them over with my car while their carrying my stuff. I just have to be sure to give a little smirk to make sure they know I was only kidding. Most likely they'll give a little smile back as if to say, "I get you", but if they don't then I'll know I have a real bad apple on my hands. In this situation I shouldn't panic. I'll just simply tell them that I don't really much care for them and, once their done carrying my stuff in, they might as well just go home. They'll probably start crying and try to butter me up by saying things like their leg is broken or something. Let them throw their little tantrum, I'm not playing their game.

After I have assessed the predisposition of my neighbor, the next thing to do is check their degree of understanding. Who wants to be friends with someone that won't even let you use their pet gerbil as a drain plug for your sink? The way I would test for understanding in a neighbor would be to put on some old dirty clothes, smear ketchup on my face and hands, and then go roll around in the dirt. Once this is done I'll simply go knock on my neighbor's door and tell them I was trampled by their horse. If they start giving me lame excuses like they don't even have a horse then I'll know exactly what kind of person they really are. As a rule of thumb, just remember, everyone has a horse.

So there you have it in a nutshell. After I've run these simple tests on my neighbor I'll know if they're worth the time or whether I need to make them move out so that I may have a new neighbor.