Getting the Job

The work environment is getting more and more competitive. When looking for employment, you have to try extra hard to prove that you're the person for the job, the whole person for the job, and nothing but the person for the job, so help you god. So, I'm here to share some of the things I would do to really set myself apart from my rivals.

Let's take it from the top, getting an interview. I've found that getting an interview is just like dating. The more businesses I 'court', the more likely I am to find a real keeper. So, one helpful little trick I've learned is to play the 'numbers game'. This is where I send my resume to every single job posting I find. Be it online, in the newspaper, or on a bulletin board. If it's posted, they're getting my resume. Once this is done I can feel good knowing that I didn't leave any stone unturned, or any job flier pinned up for anyone else to see.

I'll admit, sometimes I find myself saying, "But I'm not qualified for every job." That, however, is when I realize I'm already going in with the wrong attitude. No wonder I'm unemployed! Do I see convicts out there saying, "Oh, but I'm not qualified to rob banks"? No! That's why they are where they are. They have a can do attitude, and I should too!

So, to help with my self esteem, I go look at myself in the mirror and say, "Wow, check me out, I have two eyes, two feet, opposable thumbs, and a brain. Why, that's all the necessary equipment to perform ANY job there is! Gee, I'm the greatest thing that's ever happened to anything...ever! Boy, I should start my own race of superior human beings except the only person that could join is me!! I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!! I LOVE ME FOR ALL I'M WORTH AND I CAN'T EVEN TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!" I NEED SOME SERIOUS HELP, AND IT'S GREAT!!!!!" There, now I'm ready.

Since I've applied to every job I've found, I simply sit back and wait for employer's calls to come rolling in. And you'd better just bet your buttons, they'll roll. I sent my resume to every single help wanted ad there was. The odds of not getting a call are so slim that they have yet to be discovered by scientists. I sent my resume to people that didn't even know they posted an ad, and the best part is, they didn't!

As soon as the first interview comes along it's essential to make a good first impression. I have to make absolutely certain that I not only look the part, but also act the part, smell the part, become friends with the part, and maybe take the part out for a nice seafood dinner. This may sound like a tall order, but I just have to remember, it isn't. All I have to do is think about the first thing an employer is expecting as soon as I walk into their office: a good, firm handshake, right? Well, I could do that if I want to make certain that I make no impression at all. The employer is greeted by firm handshakes during EVERY single interview, and quite frankly, he's sick of it. The name of the game here is making sure he remembers me, and I can't do that by simply doing what everyone else does.

So, what would I do to really one up this whole firm handshake business? It's simple. When he sticks his hand out for a handshake, I'd just slap it away and put him in a headlock. This will just scream, "I'm serious about this position", right away. Then, once his neck is securely fastened to my arm, I'd squeeze until I'm certain his breathing is cut down to a minimum. If it's firm he wants, then it's firm he's going to get. I have to make 110% sure he's going to remember me, forever. If he happens to look like a forgetful kind of guy, I'd just give him a good punch in the stomach. That ought to help his memory. In the most extreme cases I may even finish him off with a good, clean pile-driver. A good rule of thumb to keep in mind is, if he's not bleeding, he's not impressed.

I also have to make sure not to forget all the friendly banter while I'm making my impression. The standard, "Hello, how are you?", "How about that weather?" are all still very important to really please the socks off of him. When I go home after an interview I don't want to be thinking of all the things I could've, would've, should've done. I want to be thinking of all the things I did've done.

There you have it, the only real way I'd go about getting a job. Sure, there's also plenty of fake ways to do it too, but why would I want to waste my time with those? If nothing else, at least I can look myself in the eyes at the end of the day and say, "I may not have gotten hired, but that guy is going to remember me for the rest of his life." Being memorable is important.