Impressing That Special Someone

If you're not a girl like me, then you're probably a guy like me. And, being a guy like me, you have probably found yourself in a situation where you really like a girl but just don't quite know how to impress her. Be it the girl in your homeroom, the girl next door, or your wife, you just never seem to be able to show her that you're the man for her. Well, I know this is a sticky subject for most so I'm just going to go ahead and lay down some basic sure fire tactics that'll just scream, "I'm Mr. Right you big, ugly moron!" to that special someone.

First things first, we have to clarify what women like. I think this is pretty simple. They want someone with brains, brawn, and two hands, and that's basically it. Now that we've narrowed down what they want, we have to talk about how to get them to go on a date with me so that I can show them I have the stuff dreams are made of. All women are created different, but if I were to simply go up to the lady I've been eying and just kind of start pulling on her hair, playing with her face, and buttoning and unbuttoning her sleeve, I should be in. These activities will really draw her attention to the fact that both of my hands are intact, and yes, I know how to use them. That's all it should take to get myself a first date. And if by chance it doesn't, I'll just say, "Hey girl, I'm fixin' on saving up for a new toaster." Girls love that kind of talk I'd imagine.

Now that I'm out on a date with her it's time to really shine. First, I'll show off how smart I am. This is easy. When I'm at dinner I'll just pull a brand new Rubik's cube out of my pocket and set it on the table and smile. She may give me a confused look at first and ask something like, "What is this for?" But I can't let her fool me. She thinks I solved it and she would probably murder someone for me already. She may also say something like, "Um, it looks like you just bought that thing and haven't messed it up yet." This can get a bit tricky. If I try to legitimately solve it in front of her I'll look like a legitimate moron. I'd have better luck throwing it in the washing machine during the rinse cycle than solving it myself. That's why I need to do the smart thing and pretend it's a big piece of candy and try to eat it.

Once I've shown her how smart I am, what's next? I have to prove I'm a man that can stand up for both of us if needed. To do this I'll just look for the biggest man in the room and make absolutely certain he's in a wheel chair. Then I'll go up to him and just smash him over the head with the biggest loaf of bread I can find. My date will probably act like she's all horrified by my actions and ask, "What's the matter with you?" But I don't have to worry, women never say what they really think, and she really thinks I'm sweet.

OK, now she thinks I'm a genius AND brave, now what? The last thing I have to do is listen to the things she says about her likes and dislikes and prove I'm her match. For instance, let's say she tells me she loves animals, what should I do? I should find the first person on the street that is walking a dog and start growling and gnawing on their hand until they let go of the leash. This way I can show my date that not only do I want the dog to be free, but I can also be a dog. Girls love dogs.

There you have it, the way into a woman's heart. If I just follow these steps I'll be married by next Tuesday. And, if by chance these things don't work for me, then the 'girl' I'm trying to impress is probably just my grandpa's old punching bag. I shouldn't worry. Mistakes like that happen all the time. I just need to get out there and find a real person!