Surviving Prison

What would you do if you found yourself in a maximum security prison? Would you curl up into a little ball and just wait to be murdered, or worse? So would I, which is why I've decided I need to find a better way to survive should the need ever arise, and lets face it, it will. Almost every single human being on the planet will find themselves locked up at some point in their lives. Maybe they were guilty, maybe they weren't, it doesn't matter. The important thing is, we have prisons, and we're using them.

OK, first things first: getting into prison. Why should I wait until I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time? If I'm going to jail I want it to be on my terms and my terms only. The only way to accomplish this is to frame myself. Now, a lot of people would probably hesitate to do this at first, but just think of the alternative, having someone else do it for you. And they're going to. And they will probably screw it up.

Since I've decided to set myself up, I just have to pick a crime that I want to got to jail for. I have to think of something that's respected among prison inmates. Something that's just going to scream, "This guy is respectable, and is to be respected in all respectful respects." The key word here is respect, and I need to have it. After all, would I get any respect if I went to prison for something like stealing a teddy bear? Maybe. But I need to steal a real bear just to be safe. Robbery is the number one most respected crime among all prison enthusiasts, and if I have to go to jail, I want it to be for that.

Alright, now that I've picked the perfect crime, I just need to frame myself for it. I could go out and actually commit the crime of theft, but why would I want that on my conscience? I wouldn't. So, what I'll do is go to the zoo, borrow a bear, and plant it in my house. Once this is done I'll call the cops and ask them to guess what's sitting on my couch at that very moment. I can now consider myself as good as framed. Boy, I can't wait to see the look on my face when the police show up!

Now that I think of it, I guess executing such a procedure calls for not only framing, but actual stealing too. This is a double whammy. Not only am I guilty of stealing, but I'm also guilty of framing myself for it. A heist like this has never been done before. Respect is going to be oozing out of my ears.

Now that I'm in a maximum security prison for robbery, it's time to survive. They always say that when you first get accepted into prison you need to beat someone up immediately to prove you're not to be messed with. Well, how about I one up that little tradition and just beat the crap out of myself? Once they see what I've done to me, no one will even dare look in my direction. I mean I'm just going to mangle me right up. The other inmates won't know what hit them. I'll hardly look like a human being once I'm done with me. That'll show them.

Great, now that I'm an unrecognizable mass I move onto phase two of my survival plan: going to the hospital. As it turns out, I really did a number on myself. Now I can laugh all the way to the ER as I think, there's no way those 'hardened criminals' could even come close to what I've done here. I'd like to see them try; I'll rip myself apart so fast it'll make their head spin. Who's the tough guy now?

As you can see, I'm going to take prison by storm. I'm going to be doing things that no one else would have ever dreamed of. It's going to be a real game changer, and I just dare anyone to challenge me. If someone so much as looks at me funny I'll pummel myself so hard that it'll make my previous beatings look like they were knitting lessons. That's right, this is prison, and I'm not showing any mercy.