Solving the Crime

We've all heard the stories, read the headlines, or killed the guy, but do we ever stop to think about what actually goes into solving a crime? Of course not. We're all well versed in committing crimes, that's the easy, glamorous, and fun part, but solving them is a whole different story. It takes guts, determination, and a magnifying glass, all of which no one has. But maybe we should change that. Maybe if we all took the time to become the sleuth that our cheating spouses always feared, we could make the world a better place.

Before setting out on a crime solving spree, we first have to learn some of the basics. That's why I have already watched all 1500 episodes of Cops. From what I have gleaned from this treasure trove of crime solving goodies, the perpetrator of a crime is almost always the person who committed the crime, and you can call them a "perp" for short and it isn't considered racist. Terminology is important. Unfortunately, I didn't learn anything else, but I'll be able to learn the rest as I go I bet.

Now that I've boned up on a crime fighting term, it's time to hit the streets looking for some crime, because it's not going to come to me like I thought. As I'm cruising around, I have to keep a close lookout for any suspicious activity. Perps (perpetrators) are known to be shy and try to keep their activities between themselves and their victim(s). This thoughtfulness can make them difficult to spot, but luckily I brought a magnifying glass, binoculars, and telescope. Now nothing can elude my piercing gaze, be it near, far, or on Pluto. If it's happening, I'm going to see it, and there's nothing anyone can do about it, not even an astronaut.

As I'm driving, switching between the magnifying glass, binoculars, and telescope at ever increasing rates, I begin to get the inkling that I've crashed into a wall. It was tough to tell looking through the magnifying glass, but it's crystal clear without any of my crime fighting tools. I just laugh thinking about how you can have the most sophisticated tools in the world and still miss something.

Since my car won't start, I decide it's time to continue on foot. As I gather up all of my equipment and step out the door, I'm shocked to see I'm nowhere near the main road like I thought, but more in a dark alley. Looking around, I notice an overflowing dumpster just a few meters away. I'm not sure if that's a crime, but I'm almost positive the dead body lying next to it is. I just shake my head thinking, "What are the odds?" Here I am, accidentally crashing into a random alley, and there's an abandoned body needing my attention.

Once I make my way to the victim, I crawl into his lap and put my ear to his chest to listen for a heart beat. The last thing I want to do is bother a guy who's still alive. Luckily, he's dead. Now I need to search for any injuries that could help explain what happened, who did it, and why I'm covered in blood. I laugh to myself as I think, "I'm really doing it!"

As I do a thorough once over of the body, I'm not seeing anything that immediately jumps out at me. His head looks like it may have some tire marks on it, but nothing too serious. I would like to examine his upper torso a bit more but the knife in his chest keeps getting in the way. I know you're not supposed to disturb a crime scene, but I decide the knife has to go if I'm going to get anything done. As I tug at the handle, I realize it's really wedged in there, so I stand on the shoulders of the corpse as I pull with all my might. I just laugh again as I think about how this must look. Here's a guy, covered in blood, tugging on a knife that's stuck in a dead body. If someone saw me they would probably think I'm a detective, but it's funny because I'm just a regular guy.

Now that I have the knife dislodged, I throw it in the dumpster and pick up the body and put it on my shoulders. I need to identify this guy. My best bet is parading him around town to see if anyone knew him. A picture may say a thousand words, but a dead body doesn't need to say anything because people already get it.

As I leave the alley with my dead body in tow, I pass a few homeless people who have this look of sheer terror on their face. I assure them I won't let the case go cold like this dead body has, then I give them some change out of my corpse's pockets. They don't seem sure if they should accept it at first and just stare at me with their jaw hanging open, so I reassure them it's ok and put the change in their mouths. Homeless people are funny. Sometimes they'll harass you for change, and sometimes you have to harass them.

Continuing my march down the street, I knock on the door of the first apartment I come to. I'm getting extremely tired from lugging this thing around. Who knew crime solving was so exhausting? As I'm waiting for a response I start to grow impatient and begin knocking wildly. Once someone final opens the door I scream, "Do you know this guy?!". They don't answer right away which makes them seem suspicious. I get excited as I think, "Is this my perp?!!". Then I charge through the door and throw the dead body on the couch. It seems to have landed in the lap of the daughter so I just wait to see what kind of reaction I get. Who knows, maybe this murder was a family affair. As I'm studying the girl's face, I get my binoculars out to take a closer look. Sure enough, she seems horrified that I've caught them, just as I suspected.

As I continue my interrogation, I throw every question in the book at them, "Where were you on the night of whenever this guy was killed?!", "Are you missing a knife??!", "Where's your bathroom??!!". I can tell I'm getting somewhere by the way they start crying. They know I'm onto them and it's sad.

Eventually, another family member calls the cops so I don't have to. When they arrive they seem stunned to see that I've cracked the case without them. I tell them it was beginner's luck. I had no idea I was going to crash into an alleyway and discover a dead body my first day out. And I had no idea the first house I'd come to would be the perps. Then I start laughing because here I am, just a civilian, and I'm already using their lingo and solving cases. They don't seem to think it's as funny and taser me and put me in the back of their police car, but I get it. They don't want to look bad in front of the community. I'm sure they'll let me go as soon as we're around the corner, or at the station, or after a few months in the "slammer", as they put it. I just smile because they know I'm hip to the jargon.