Decorating for Halloween

Decorating for Halloween isn't for the faint of heart and should only be attempted by those with a sturdy back, a healthy ticker, and a fog machine. Anything less and you run the risk of spending Halloween in a lot of pain, dead, or worse, and with no fog to show for it. That's not to say however, that Halloween decorations are only a young person's game. You also need experience to get the right aesthetic, and money to buy the giant Frankenstein doll. This is why decorating should only be done by 33 year olds. Any younger and you'll end up with a yard full of nothing but cheap, plastic corpses; any older and the only corpse in the yard will be yours.

Ok great, Halloween is just around the corner, I've had a physical exam, and fog machines are on sale. What's next? Well, if I'm going to buy the Frankenstein doll, I won't have enough money for the fog machine, and if I buy the fog machine, I won't have enough money for Frankenstein, and if I buy either of them, I won't have enough money for food. This is tricky, but it's nothing a touch of resourcefulness, a pinch of creativity, and a handful of theft can't solve. I just need to get to the store before they run out of inventory to steal.

At the store, it was a bit tricky walking out with Frankenstein. I tried to pretend it was my dad but they weren't buying it. I just laughed and said, "Looks like no one is buying anything today", then I lit Frankenstein on fire. You usually get a discount on damaged goods, so I'd imagine flaming goods should be free. I just casually walk up to the counter with my giant, burning doll and ask if I can have it. They get really excited and run to ask the manager, but I just leave. Who has the time, you know?

Now that I have acquired my two decoration staples, it's time to fill in the scene with some basic Halloween necessities: Skeletons and tombstones. Luckily, I can get these for free at the local cemetery. There's such a wide selection, it makes it difficult to decide. Should I go with marble or stone? How many should I get? What condition are the skeletons in? These are all tough questions, but I'll just load up a variety and see where that gets me.

Often times, while I'm out shopping in the cemetery, I'll get some weird looks from others who are also browsing, but I just tell them the tombstones aren't up to code and the skeletons need to be exhumed for a murder investigation. Sometimes it works and sometimes they accuse me of digging up a relative. When this happens, I just say, "Oh! Sorry, wrong grave!", and start digging up the next one over. In some cases though, family members are all buried near each other, so I have to repeat the process over and over. After awhile I start getting annoyed and yell, "Well, where does your family end?!" Then I feel guilty for yelling in a cemetery. I apologize and politely stuff their grandpa back in his casket.

Once I have all of my decorations, I begin laying them out with care. I put Frankenstein front and center, the fog machine behind him, and make sure to keep any broken skeletons towards the back. After I'm done, I take a step back to look at my handy work. It looks great, and I can feel good that I'm reusing all those discarded skeletons. Not only does my house look amazing, but it's also good for the environment.

Needless to say, I'm sure to have a happy Halloween, and who knows, maybe I'll win an award or two for best green decorations. This gets me excited for Christmas, when I get to go shopping for reindeer. I wonder where you get those.