Getting a Divorce

Getting a divorce is something no one wants to talk about, not even extroverts, and they never shut up. But, while no one wants to talk about it, studies show people think about it at least once every 3 seconds, and that's just babies. I asked the experts to extend the study to include adults, but they said, "What study?", which means no. Trust me, I was an expert once.

Before talking about it, I first want to discuss ways to avoid a divorce, no matter how futile that may seem, or how stupid it may sound, or how disgusting my wife may be. For starters, studies also show that you're 26% less likely to end up divorced if you don't get married. Now, before we jump up and down, celebrating this magical cure for divorce, it's important to remember that everyone gets married. It's a fact of life that many have tried to skirt in the past, but never successfully. And you may be thinking to yourself, "But I know some single people who never got married". No you don't. Those people are just better at hiding it. Ask yourself, does this "single" person have a basement? If so, guess who's tied up down there? If they don't have a basement it just means they ate their spouse already, which I'm counting as a divorce. This may sound outrageous, but trust me, we shouldn't go around saying someone is married if they're eaten. It's hokey.

Ok, now let's get to the meat of the matter. You've inevitably gotten married, be it by choice or at gunpoint, and now your thoughts of divorce have reached a fever pitch of 4 times a second. What can you do? When I'm in this situation I like to take long walks with my wife, preferably next to a cliff, to clear my head. And yes, there is an opportunity for an "accidental" push, but I don't think she would do that, and she doesn't think I would either. This is called trust, and it can be a beautiful thing when you need to push someone off a cliff. I'm not talking about me specifically, I'm just mentioning it for a friend.

While on this walk it gives me a chance to suss out how my partner is feeling. Does she seem engaged? If so, to who? Is she walking right next to me, or is she still back at the house? If I give her a little nudge, does she get skeptical that I'm trying to push her over the edge, or is she clueless? This will give me a cue as to whether or not there's any common ground between us, both literally and figuratively.

Barring any unforeseen reconciliations, untimely accidents, or cougars, it's time to prep for divorce. Most people would go straight to a divorce lawyer, but not me. Instead, I tell my wife that I'll just take everything. She doesn't usually go for this, so I reduce my share to 9/10ths, because it's the law. After this, as a rebuttal she'll usually scream something like, "This stuff is all mine! We're not even married!", but I just laugh because everyone's married, then I ask about her basement situation.

Once the inevitable happens, and I'm fleeing from the police, I just shake my head thinking, "There goes another healthy relationship down the drain". I hate feeling like a statistic. I'm just glad kids weren't involved. Studies have proven time and again that children of divorce never actually think about divorce at all, because they're in a coma. They are so preoccupied with thoughts of their parent's divorce, on top of their own pending divorce, that they snap. Think about that for a long time.