Going to a Party

Parties are great. It gives me a chance to have a few drinks, catch up with old pals, and make out with new ones. I have so much fun at parties that whenever someone throws one I usually get thrown out. That's why I always say, it's not a party until I've been thrown out of the party, which I guess means I've never technically been to a party. But you know what I mean.

So it's a Saturday night, and I've been "invited" to a party. I'm using quotes not because they didn't invite me, but because they specifically asked me not to come. I just laugh and tell them I "won't", and then start getting ready. Whenever I'm prepping for a night of fun, one of the first things I do is catch up on all the new fashion trends. I don't want to look like a square, so I review current pop culture to see what's hip. I'm fascinated to see that you can wear anything from virtually nothing to a literal meat dress. With so many choices, I finally decide to go with a subtle ham shank pant, paired with a waffle fry top. I finish off my trendy ensemble with a pair of elegant ice skates. Looking in the mirror, I think, "Wow". Someone better call the fashion police because I'm about to make a statement.

Now that I'm dressed to the nines, but probably closer to a ten, and if I really wanted I could have turned it up to an eleven, it's time to get to the party. I jump in my car and put my skate to the metal as I cruise down the street. As I'm driving, people keep looking at me like, "Umm, that guy's fashionable". I nod back, throw them a waffle fry, and just keep on going.

Once I arrive I get really excited because hey, it's time to party. When the host answers the door they take one look at me and immediately know what they want for dinner. I go to shake their hand, but end up tripping on the welcome mat and go crashing through the door and onto the floor. Luckily my ham shanks cushion the fall. Once inside I go clacking around the joint in my ice skates just looking for a good time. I see beer pong in the dining room, dancing in the living room, and puking in the bathroom. All good options, but I'm more interested in the punch bowl in the kitchen. It looks like they put chunks of fruit in it, which tells me it's some kind of drinking game modeled after bobbing for apples, one of my favorites. As I'm going wild with my head in the bowl, just thrashing to and fro like a shark on a seal hunt, someone says, "I was going to drink that!". I tell them to sit tight and I'll be done in an hour or so, as it's a big bowl. Then they get angry, and I don't blame them. This bowl did not need to be this big.

After I'm done bobbing for apples, I'm usually pretty winded so look for a more low key activity. I decide to go over to the beer pong table and try to catch the ball in my mouth. As I'm jumping around the table, opening and snapping my mouth shut whenever someone throws the ball, I take a bit of a spill and snap the beer pong table in half. Everyone gets really frustrated, myself included, but these things happen; there's nothing we could've done differently.

Now that beer pong is over, I look for another activity to keep the party going. I don't have to look very far, though, because everyone decides it's time to play hide and seek. I'm the first to be "it" and they pick me up and throw me outside so they can hide. Once I'm done counting I find that they accidentally locked the door. I don't want to be a party pooper so I go around back and break in through a window. I can tell I didn't give people enough time to hide, though, because they're still dancing in the living room. I burst in and say, "Found you!" and then look at the shock on everyone's face. I've always been pretty good at hide and seek.

We continue these fun party games until the wee hours of the morning, or until they decide to play Russian Roulette. I feel I'm not as good at that one, and it always seems to be my turn. I don't want to hurt their feelings, so whenever the host gets the gun out I tell them I'm trying to cut back. Then I act like I'm really tired and slip out before the shooting starts. I vow to practice that game more before the next party. I hate it when I can't hang.