Landlording

Being a landlord can be a very rewarding experience. You get the opportunity to provide a place for someone to live, and in return, they get to give you all their money. It's a wonderful relationship.

Before I become a landlord, however, I first need a place to rent out. I've tried renting the back seat of my car and the old baby crib in the backyard, but people usually want more. This can actually work to my advantage. By throwing in some luxury items like air conditioning and a warm, cozy ceiling, I can charge top dollar for my space.

Once I have a place to rent, it's time to put up an ad to try and attract tenants. This part is critical. I want to make sure I find responsible people who will pay the rent on time, be respectful of my property, and not bother me over trivial things like blown light bulbs, drafty windows, or missing toilets. I need to find people who are problem solvers and can think for themselves.

After I have applicants interested in renting from me, I need to perform rigid interviews to ensure they'll be the right fit. To accomplish this I usual do my interviews in a meat locker. I don't know when the furnace was serviced last and I don't want to find out halfway through the lease that my tenant can't handle the cold.

If the applicant seems to be doing alright in the meat locker I usually take it a step further and dump a bucket of ice-water over their head. This let's me see how they might react to a leaky roof. Most likely they'll understand that all of this is just part of the interview process, but if not I'll have to tell them it's not going to work out. Then I'll light them on fire to warm them up. This will show that all the other stuff was just business and I'm really not a bad guy.

If the applicant is still in the running after the first tests then I need to continue on and check their level of patience. Sometimes I can't get to a problem right away and they need to be able to take this into consideration. This is why I keep them in the meat locker until I'm done with my impression of them. As I stand over them shivering and chattering my teeth they usual grow furious and have a look of, "I don't think I want to rent from you." This is when I know I need to turn them down. They may even say things like, "You're insane! I'm calling the cops when I get out of here!" But I just let them know that threats aren't going to land them a room to rent.

Sometimes, after I'm done with my standard interview routine, I'll be on the fence about an applicant. Perhaps they broke out of the meat locker before I was finished, or maybe they're unconscious on the floor, making an assessment difficult. In this case I usually take the interview a step further and test their pain management skills. I don't make ceilings like they used to. One good storm could send the rooftop of my rental caving in. I need to make sure the applicant is OK with that. As a check I'll hit them over the head with a baseball bat to simulate falling beams. Three or four whacks should do. After this it's important that I monitor their body language. You can tell a lot about a person's mettle just by the way they fall down. Was it smooth and quiet, or abrupt and whiny?

Needless to say, when all the interviewing is over I can almost guarantee I've found the right tenant. It's a good feeling knowing that not only will I get the rent on time, but I also won't be hassled every time a stiff wind blows the house over. As a landlord, that's the kind of peace of mind worth going the extra mile for.