Adopting a child is very serious business, not unlike buying a car. There's a big financial investment involved, it includes a lot of paperwork, and you can't return it after it's been used. Then there's also the fact that since adopted children are pre-owned, they also come pre-named right out of the box. Maybe whatever the previous owner chose is fine, and maybe it's King Kong, Pikachu, or Tim. This is why it's so important to think everything through before beginning the process.
Whenever I'm about to make a huge decision like adoption, I always put together a list of pros and cons. This method is much more thorough and respected than going with your gut or flipping a coin. I know that now. On the pro side of the adoption equation there's things like companionship, life fulfillment, and bigger tax returns. On the con side however, there's the fact that I don't know if I'll be a good parent, but I also don't know if they'll be a good kid, which brings us back to the fact that they're non-refundable. If I get a bad kid but I'm also a bad parent then I don't have to worry because we both got what we deserved. But if I get a bad kid while I'm a good parent then I want a refund. That's the dilemma.
Now that I have my list compiled I can clearly see that I need to do a coin toss. A quarter may not buy much but boy is it good at making decisions. If it comes up negative then there's nothing I can do but try again in the morning.
Eventually, as I consult my decision making tool, it'll come up positive. This is both exciting and terrifying. It's exciting because I'm about to add a new family member, and terrifying because I used a coin to do it. Add that to the fact that the kid could be a lemon and I've got myself some interesting prospects.
Throwing caution to the wind, I grab my car keys and head to the nearest adoption center to pick out a kid. As I'm browsing through their most recent catalog I remind myself to keep an open mind, though I know I don't want a child who is too old, too young, or looks too much like that Chucky doll. Everything else is fair game.
As I'm leafing through the pages I'll usually come across a child who just screams, "I'm the kid for you!" but I convince myself to move on because I don't like screamers. Other pictures seem to stare innocently into my eyes as if to say, "If you raise me right, I'll grow into a respectable, upstanding citizen" but I move along because that's a lot of pressure. Then, once I'm about to give up, I'll happen upon the most precious little child who just radiates, "I'd be the perfect kid for you in every way! I'm kind, caring, and will always be respectful" but I continue on because they look too much like a Tim. I glance at the last few pages of the catalog but all of those kids look refurbished.
Trying to pick out a child is tough work. I wish I could take a few home to test out but there's a policy against that clearly written all over the face of the agent who I've just asked. It's like, excuse me for trying to find the perfect match. Half jokingly, I take a coin out of my pocket and say, "I suppose you'd rather I just flip for it?" Then, I fully seriously start flipping. After a few flips I get frustrated, though, because it keeps landing on Tim.
Once I've spent the better part of half an hour at the adoption agency I decide that adopting is for the birds and I go get a dog instead. At least they come with a more lenient return policy. I'm sure I'll try my hand at adoption again one day, but according to my quarter, not today.
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