Going Clubbing

Going clubbing is not one of America's favorite pass-times. But it should be. With its offerings of flashing strobe lights, blaring music, and binge drinking, you're sure to achieve your goal of going blind, deaf, and dumb all at the same time.

Whenever I go clubbing I'm always prepared to leave ten bucks and all of my five senses at the door. After that the world better watch out, because I can't. One of the first things I like to do upon entry is feel out the scene. You usually have the wallflowers standing at the back, sipping their drinks, the ladies up near the front, sharing gossip with their girlfriends, and the bimbos in the center, sharing their insecurities and underwear. All ready to have a good time.

Once I've got the scene scoped out I usually grab a pair of underwear and head to the bar. As I'm walking I like to put out the vibe that I'm ready to party; then I pull out a 750 piece puzzle to prove it. Grabbing a stool, I empty the puzzle pieces onto the bar and give the bartender a look of, "Yeah, this is happening now." Then he gives me a look back of, "What are you even thinking?" This always intimidates me a little. But then I remind myself that I've completed 750 piece puzzles before.

After I've completed the puzzle I'm ready to tone it down a notch. Looking around the club I decide to go mingle with some of the wallflowers hanging out in back. As I stroll I'll usually spot some interesting fellows who are just standing around, looking into the crowd and preparing their roofies. I like to start up some light conversation by saying something like, "Hey guys, here on business I see!" Then I do a quarter turn and pull out my walkie-talkie and say "Yeah this is Officer Miller. We've got a 10-30 down here at the Night Owl." I'll start turning back to laugh with my new buddies but they're usually pretty late for something and go running out the door.

I start walking back up towards the bar but that's often when some tipsy clubber pulls out the underwear that were sticking out of my pocket and starts waving them around. We both have a good laugh, after which they ask if I want to do some Ecstasy with them and their buddies. "Ecstasy!?" I say, "I've got something even better!" They all watch in anticipation as I pull a bottle of Pepto Bismol out of my pocket and take a swig. Everyone stares at me like it's some kind of joke, but I just stare right back like, "And my stomach isn't even upset." Then I laugh to myself thinking how I was supposed to be toning it down.

Once 8 O'clock rolls around I figure it's getting pretty late and I ought to head home. As I walk I smile and think about all the wild stories I'll be able to tell my children someday. "You were a party animal!" they'll say. "And you always managed to stay regular!" With a sigh I climb into bed, shoot up some heroin, and fall fast asleep.