Having a Wedding

Getting married is one of the most memorable occasions in life. It's right up there with buying a new home, having your first baby, and going bankrupt. All are unforgettable.

Preparing for a wedding is a lengthy process that involves a lot of steps; the first and arguably most important of which is deciding on a partner. This is generally someone you know, are close to, and can picture yourself having a harmonious divorce with. Once you've found that special someone all the other pieces seem to just fall into place, as if by court order.

After finding a person of marriage quality, it's time to plan the wedding. To make sure I cover all of my bases I like to go through all the what, where, why, and whens of the joyous occasion. What is the date? Where should it be held? Why am I doing this? When will I learn?

Once all of these questions are answered I can feel confident that I'm ready to postpone everything. But, since I'm told that isn't an option, I move on to phase two: sending out the invitations. This part is tricky because I run the absolute certainty of offending everyone I've ever met. Friends, family, my first grade teacher's Great Dane's adopted step-puppies; they're all going to be upset for one reason or another. If they didn't get an RSVP they'll be upset that they weren't invited. If they were invited they'll be upset they're not in the wedding party. If they are in the wedding party they'll be upset they're not the best man. If they are the best man they'll be upset that I'm marrying their fiance. I just can't win.

Now that I have the invitations sent and everyone offended, it's time to prepare for the big day. One important step in this preparation is the writing of the marriage vows. This is my chance to show my partner how much they mean to me, to let them know I'll stay by their side even when they themselves, their family members, and the law don't want me to. This is true love. And the last time I checked, true love trumps restraining orders. I need to make sure they know that.

After I have my vows prepared, which the priest has been so rudely prodding me to finish as we stand at the altar, it's time to take a deep breath, put on my tux, and turn and face the wedding congregation. I think doing things at the last minute is good sometimes, especially when you didn't do them beforehand.

Eventually, as the ceremony proceeds, it'll come time to read each other our vows. This is what my partner and everyone else has been waiting silently for an hour and a half for, so I have to make it good. As I look deeply into the love of my life's eyes, I read, "To my best friend, lover, and former mistress, I will always be there for you. Through thick and thin, I'll be there. Even when we have our spats, as spouses sometimes do, just look beside you, and I'll be there. Even when you change the locks on the doors, as spouses also sometimes do, just look out your bedroom window, and I'll be there." After this I give a pause as the room erupts with silence, then I continue, "If eventually you decide to pack up your car and move across the country, just think about all the good times we've had, then look deep within your trunk, and I'll be there." At this point, if the cockles of her heart aren't quite warm, I'll finish her off with a romantic, "There is no one else I'd rather be with, not even your sister."

I'm so pumped upon finishing my vows that I wipe the tears away from my eyes and proclaim, "I'm kissing the bride now!" I then go on to rigorously consummate the marriage. Once that's done I go over to the bride's maids and scream, "If they're good enough for my wife, they're good enough for me!" Then I make out with all of them as a form of acceptance and good will.

When everything wraps up and I've made out with all of my wife's friends and family, I feel this tremendous sense of belonging. And I know everyone else feels it too by the way they're taking turns giving me bear hugs and love punches to the stomach. Eventually, someone will become so overwhelmed with love that they can't help but drop-kick me in the face. I would say, "Right back at ya!" but I'm just too tired and unconscious from all of the festivities.

Once I awaken in the ER a big smile goes across my face because hey, I've got something good. Then I crawl off the gurney, down the street, and into my wife's trunk to see where we're going. I hope it's someplace warm.