War

Being forced to go to war is probably enough to ruin anyone's weekend. The drill sergeant is always yelling, people are trying to kill you, and you aren't allowed to bring the wife and kids along. It is for these reasons that I usually try to call in sick whenever there's a draft going around.

Since they don't consider having a cold a 'good' reason to skip war, however, there's nothing I can do but suck it up and try to become the best soldier I can be. This isn't easy, especially when your worst fears are getting killed, killing others, and doing push ups, but it's a small price to pay for honor.

Before trudging out onto the battle field, I first have to choose a weapon. And even though we have all of these high-tech gadgets to pick from, like machine guns and sniper rifles, it's important to keep one thing in mind, a sword never runs out of ammo. The same can be said for fists.

Once I'm fully equipped with my anti-ammo weaponry, combat fatigues, and a backpack full of juice boxes, I march into the war zone looking for some action. I hear bullets whizzing over my head and the sound of explosions echoing off of the mountain sides, but that's not really what I'm interested in. Instead, I'm more interested in how I'm already handcuffed in the back of an enemy vehicle on it's way to their prison camp. It's like they had no fear of a sword that never needs reloading, or a fist that never jams. I hadn't planned on that kind of bravery.

While at the enemy base, they grill me with all sorts of questions like, "Where are your people planning to strike next?! Who is in charge of your unit?!! Do you mind if I take a juice box?!!!" But I just look them dead in the eye and say, "You can threaten me all you'd like, but I'll never tell you anything unless I get a warm hot dog first." Having strong negotiation skills can be the difference between life and death in this kind of situation.

At the conclusion of the war our drill sergeant usually starts yelling stuff at me like, "Why did you replace all of your standard issue equipment?! Why would you take a sword into battle?!! You gave up our position for a hot dog?!!!" I guess I can understand why he's so upset, but it's nothing a juice box can't fix.