Going on Vacation

Many people see flying someplace for vacation as a fun, relaxing time. But you shouldn't forget that annoying, little mishaps can happen at any moment. There could be a lot of flight delays, you're luggage could get lost, or, without any heads up from the pilot, you could crash land on top of a mountain and have to eat each other.

Because I'm so fearful of the lost luggage thing, I pack as much as possible into my carry-on and stuff whatever is left over into my shirt. After this is completed I drive to the airport and buy a ticket for a warm, tropical destination like Fiji, the Bahamas, or Idaho.

While sitting on the plane, I can tell the other passengers are nervous by the way they get all panicked whenever the plane makes a strange sound. To help take the edge off I say things like, "Flying is the safest way to travel. You should be more worried about the airline food than the flight. I had a dream that the plane crashed, and as we all know, dreams aren't real."

Once we're in the air I try to get everyone involved by playing simple, plane-friendly games like 20 questions or dodgeball. People are usually a little reluctant at first, but after I peg them in the face a few times, they get really into it and start chucking their coffee mugs and fists at me. That's the spirit. One of the things I like most about flying is that no matter how disruptive or annoying you are, they almost never throw you out.

When we land at our destination, I look for some food, a place to stay, and a job because I don't have enough money for the first two things. Next, I become a bum on the street. As it turns out, I'm not sure where I am and don't speak the language. Getting work is very difficult when you have to communicate using nothing but hand gestures and Morse Code. Though, how someone can't figure out what I mean when I rub my stomach and go, "Beep, beeeeeep, beeep, beep, beeeeeeeeeeeep" is beyond me.

Eventually, I'll get lucky and land a highly lucrative job in some sweat shop that pays you in marbles. After doing the math I'll decide to register for citizenship in this new country because it's going to take me 45 years to raise enough marbles for a plane ticket home. As you can see, when I go on vacation, it's not really a vacation, but a way of life.