Being Healthy

If you've ever looked at yourself in the mirror, you've probably had one of three reactions: 1. "I look amazing with my beautiful skin and toned figure!" 2. "I may have gotten a bit hefty, but I'm still as strong as an ox!" 3. "I don't remember being a pig/cow mix." But whatever your reaction, it's never to late to look and feel great.

Whenever I start to worry that I'm getting bigger, I frantically try to find some other logical explanation for what's happening to me. Couldn't it be, for instance, that everything else is getting smaller? If my logic doesn't work, I try to stay positive by reminding myself that getting in shape is as easy as dieting, exercise, and liposuction. Using all of these techniques in unison can be a real fat buster.

First, I'll talk about dieting. This is where I avoid putting anything into my body that could cause unhealthy weight gain, like food. Once I've successfully weened myself from food dependency, I'll notice how much easier it is to shed pounds. If I keep it up I'll be admitted into a hospital in no time. This is societies way of saying, "OK, you're getting a little too good at this." I'll take that as a compliment.

Once I have my weight at a respectable 73 lbs, it's time to incorporate some exercise. Before getting a gym membership, however, I need to start eating again. Without any of the energy that food provides, it becomes extremely difficult to do strenuous activities like running, weightlifting, and walking. If I can't walk, chances are I won't be able to run either.

I can't just eat anything I want, though. I have to play it smart by eating only the smallest group at the top of the food pyramid. This will ensure I don't overeat. And once my diet consists of nothing but cookies, ice cream, and chocolate covered meat balls, I'll feel a tremendous amount of energy coursing through my body.

After I'm a big, blubbery ball of energy, I can hit the gym hard. As I walk through the doors of the fitness center at a wholesome 409 lbs, I'll feel all eyes on me. By the way all of the in shape members stare at my heavy breathing, already perspiring brow, and butter-stained sweatpants, I'll know what they're thinking, "This guy has so much more potential to lose weight than I do, the show off." Now I have the upper hand.

While working out I need to keep the 'No pain, no gain' motto in my head. Getting in shape is all about forcing the body to do what it doesn't want to do. And since I've just been shot off the back of a treadmill and into the wall, I can rest assured it didn't want to do that.

All I have to do is keep up the hard work and I'll be back to fighting shape in no time. And when that day comes, I'll be able to do all of the things I used to enjoy, like biking, going to the movies, and standing up. Variety truly is the spice of life.