The Dating Game

Anyone who has ever dated knows three things; it's stressful, it's expensive, and it's inhumane. But, if you are able to overcome these obstacles, it can also be incredibly boring. Unfortunately, most will go broke long before reaching this milestone.

When dipping my wallet into the dating game, one of the first things I need to do is put myself out there. I need to let people know I'm ready, willing, and really tall. Luckily, there are plenty of dating sites that let me do just that. I need to sign up for all of them with multiple accounts and various stats. Dating is a numbers game, and now that I have accounts stating I'm anywhere from 18 to 97, 6'1" to 8'6", French Canadian to German Shepherd, I know I have something for everyone.

Once my dating profiles are humming along, I just need to wait for that special someone(s) to come knocking. And I know they will. 1 out of every 5 profiles is mine. I'm literally everyone they're looking for. At this rate I could be married, divorced, and remarried by lunchtime, not that I plan on skipping lunch.

When I do land my first date it's time to shine. I suggest we have dinner at my mom's and she counters with, "No." I just laugh because I don't know what she has against my mom. Once we finally meet at the restaurant of her choosing, she gets upset and says I'm not the person she thought I was. I assure her I'm the person she met online, just not quite as tall or nearly as Asian, but it's the same old me. Then I remind her of that frog that turned into a prince. I'm at least already human, so who knows what I'll turn into. I can tell this makes her excited by the way she says, "Are you mental?!" She's already concerned with my health. That's a good sign. I just smile and tell her I'm fine.

Once our food comes out I have to be sure to ask her plenty of questions to show my interest. I say things like, "How do you like your food?", "Where'd you grow up?", "How do you know my mom?" Then I eat the giant plate of cucumbers I ordered because I told her I was a vegan. She gives me a weird look and says, "That's really what you're eating??" But I assure her I probably won't finish them all. I don't want to look like a pig on our first date.

As the dinner wraps up we play the whole, "Who's going to pay for the meal" routine. She says she can get it, and I say she has to get it because I have no money. Then I laugh and say it's funny how things have a way of working out. She was going to laugh too but decided to throw water in my face because she thought I was thirsty. She's definitely a very caring person. Though, I'm concerned she might also be a worry wart.

After she pays for dinner she screams, "Don't call me!" and walks briskly out of the restaurant. That's fine, I'll let her call me. I like a take charge woman. Then I get excited as I think about how I have another date with her in a couple days. I don't think I'm vegan for that one, so that'll be nice. Though, on our third date I am allergic to fat, so that could get frustrating. Dating certainly is a crazy game, but it seems I have it figured out. Now, all I have to do is sit here and wait for my second date of the evening to show up. This one will be fun but a little scary; she thinks I'm a dentist. I've had a lot of cavities so I'm pretty knowledgeable, but at the same time I'm nervous because she could have a dead tooth and want me to look at it.