I love cruises like I love beer; a lot, until I puke. But even that doesn't stop me from having a good time, even if everyone wishes it would. We're all responsible for our own happiness, I always have to remind my friends, family, and the ship captain of that.
One of the most memorable cruises I have ever been on was an Alaskan cruise, or maybe it was the Caribbean; whichever one has the whales. Every day I would go out onto the deck and point into the sea and say, "Hey look! A whale!" Then everyone would try to tell me it was just a tire. And then I would laugh because whales do kind of look like tires. That's why I always say whales are the tires of the sea. No one else ever laughed when I said that, though, which is weird because it was their idea.
Whale watching is fun but I can only do it for so long before I need to get drunk. When I walk back into the ship cabin there's always a really long line for the bar. I've noticed if I pretend I'm seasick and act like I'm going to throw up it gets things moving. People usually say something like, "This isn't the line for the bathroom you know!" And I know what they mean. The line is so long it might as well be for the bathroom. I just nod and start moving closer to them while covering my mouth. Then they go running out of the line as if they have to use the bathroom. It's funny how talking about the bathroom can make you have to go.
Once I'm up to the bar the bartender looks at me and says, "I don't think a drink is going to help if you're already sick", but I assure him it will. I can tell he's not convinced so I stick my finger down my throat a little ways to prove I don't have to throw up. I thought for sure this was going to work but the ship rocked a bit, making my finger go a little too far and I threw up all over the counter. The bartender gets quite upset and yells, "What the hell is the matter with you!?", but it's not like I control the ocean. Then I recommend he not work on a ship if he doesn't like the movement.
Since drinking is a bust, I decide to check out the pool for a little fun in the sun. As I'm splashing around I decided to see how long I can hold my breath underwater. 1:20, not too bad, but let's see if the guy next to me can beat it. As I'm holding him underwater he eventually thrashes his way back to the surface and screams, "Why were you holding me underwater?!" I just laugh and say, "2:30. That's pretty good, but I was helping". Then I ask if he'll do me next, so he starts choking me, which is really clever. You don't even need to be underwater. By the way he's really going for it I can tell he wants me to beat his record. What a guy.
Once I wake up I can hardly wait to see what my time was. Looking around I see my new friend darting into the ship. He glances back briefly so I tap my wrist like, "time?!" but he just keeps running. Some people are always on the go.
After I've had my fill of pool activities it's time for a little gambling. As I'm walking around the slot machines, someone hits it big and I hear the jackpot siren go off. I sprint over as fast as I can and quickly jam a quarter into the machine so I can claim some of the winnings. The other guy shoves me away and yells, "What the hell are you doing?! That's not how this works!" But I remind him that this is gambling, and gambling is all about betting, and I'm betting I get some. Then he screams, "If you don't get the hell out of here right now, I'm betting you're gonna get a boot up your ass!!" I just shake my head because he's the one who has no idea how gambling works. Then I start taking handfuls of quarters. At that point the guy tackles me to the ground so we can look for any quarters that may have fallen. "That's how you do it!", I say. As he's shoving my face into the floor to give me a better look, I yell, "There's one!" and he gets so ecstatic that he starts jumping on me. I just chuckle and think, "Jeez, watch out when this guy gets happy."
When I'm through with the slots I head over to the poker table for a little healthy competition. All the seats are taken so I stand patiently behind one of the players and start calling out his cards in my free time. He gets irritated because he keeps losing and decides to blame it on me. I try to tell him he needs to take responsibility but he starts punching me because he doesn't want to. And I get it. We're on vacation, trying to forget about our worries. But this is getting ridiculous.
When the cruise comes to an end I feel a tremendous sense of broken bones. It was a great time but I could definitely use some time in the hospital. It's really true what they say, if you don't have your health, at least you have a whole bunch of quarters. I only hope everyone one else had as good a time as I did. Then I smile as I wonder if that excitable guy is jumping on anyone else.
No comments:
Post a Comment