Being a Good Roommate

Being a good roommate is important if you enjoy things like peace, harmony, and not being murdered. This is why I always go out of my way to be reasonable when sharing a living space. Because let's face it, you never really know what someone is capable of until after you've drank all of their milk or annihilated their favorite washing machine. I had to find that out the hard way.

Let's take it from the top. So it's a nice, sunny afternoon and I find myself moving into an apartment with another occupant. This is great, I think to myself. We'll be able to watch movies together, make dinners, videotape each other sleeping; fun roommate stuff. But that's where I've already made my first mistake. I'm just assuming he or she will like these activities. Some people can be very touchy about things like movies and dinners. One unannounced pot roast can send a man over the edge. That man was my last roommate. That pot roast was his, just like the first two.

Once I've managed to avoid things like untimely dinners, I need to focus on cleanliness. I can't count the number of times I've had arguments over things like dirty dishes or who should do my laundry. I've always tried to keep things simple; if it's yours, you do it, if it's mine, you do it. That way there's no confusion as to who's doing what. But this, I have found, is a mistake. You have to share chores, even when you don't want to. They're a lot like a venereal disease in that way. That's how my roommate put it anyway. Though, when he said it he pointed directly at me and yelled, "You're just like a venereal disease!", but I knew what he meant.

After chores have been sorted out it's time to tackle privacy. This one's a biggie. There are many gray areas on the continuum between being sociable, being intrusive, and being creepy. Basically, I've learned that being intrusive is when you're trying to be sociable at an odd time or location - like while they're sleeping or in the bathroom, and being creepy is when you're being intrusive, but now you have a video camera. My roommate was a stickler about this one. He would always get really upset whenever I filmed him in the shower or woke him up at night to tell him I cooked all of his hot dogs. I remember one time, after I'd just captured some footage of him in his natural environment, he came out in his bathrobe and said, "Film me one more time and I'll smash your camera!" Well, I did film him one more time, and he did smash my camera. Luckily I captured it all on my second camera.

Ok, so against all odds I've mastered the art of negotiating pet peeves, being tidy, and film etiquette. The last and arguably most important part of being a good roommate is all about money. I need to pay my share of the rent, the utility bills, and the pot roasts. Money talks. And if it doesn't, my roommate will talk for it. They may even scream, claw, and sue for it. I've tried the barter system but, and I quote, "You can't pay the rent in tacos." I knew it was a long shot but money was tight due to a slowdown in my line of work. And sure, it's easy to say I should switch careers, but unemployment is all I know.

As you can see, I've learned a lot about being a roommate over the years. It's not all me, me, me. Sometimes I have to just step aside and say, "Why don't you eat some of your food this time?" This will make things go much smoother when it comes time for me to get creepy.

Even though we had our quarrels, I could tell my former roommate thought it was all worth it by the way he looked at me and said, "What doesn't kill you, makes me sad." I just smiled and thought how he was almost as emotional as he was camera shy. Then I asked if he wanted some of his pizza. Of all the things I miss about my old roommate, I miss his food the most.