It was 5 PM and I was running late. I had to be on the other side of town in half an hour to perform my magic act for little Jimmy's sixth birthday. Hastily rushing through the house, I grabbed the car keys, my top hat, and a pair of pants and ran out the door.
While on my way I figured it would be best if I drove at my vehicle's top speed. This way I would not only get to my destination as fast as possible, but I would also be obeying some sort of speed limit. Then, just as I reached the half-way mark of my trip, the unthinkable happened; I was pulled over for speeding. I tried telling the cop I was a magician and everything he had just witnessed was an illusion, but he didn't buy it.
As I pulled back onto the street I drove with caution until I was around the corner. After that it was pedal to the medal as I skidded around corners, took shortcuts through private property, and crashed into a tree.
Needless to say, if I was going to make my appointment I'd be doing it on foot. I blindly sprinted across side streets and fearlessly bound over fences with a new sense of determination. Little Jimmy wasn't going to be let down on his birthday. Not on my watch.
After some small tussles with a couple of German Sheppard's, a chain-link fence, and a jeep, I finally arrived at my destination. I may have been missing my top hat, most of my props, and my shirt, but I was still ready to put on a magic act no one would soon forget. Looking at my watch, I realized I was a little late. All the more reason to give my clients the best show of their lives.
As I stared at the front door I tried to think of a spectacular entrance, something that would start things off with a bang. I could knock on their door and ask if they ordered a pizza. Then, when they said no I could respond, "How about a magician!" as I magically pulled a rabbit, dove, and Basset Hound out of my pocket. Or I could simply do a normal entrance and save all the tricks for the show. It was a tough call, but in the end I decided to go around back and break in through the window for that element of surprise.
It was very dark upon entering the house, but by the way I kept knocking over glasses and breaking dishes, I assumed I was on the kitchen counter. Then, just as my eyes began to adjust, the light switch was suddenly flipped on. Squinting over at the far entrance of the room I saw little Jimmy's parents standing in shock as a half naked man rummaged around in their sink. My plan worked to a tee. I had already rendered my clients speechless and I had yet to perform a single trick.
I jumped off the counter and continued to mystify by pulling their tablecloth out from under a set of dishes. Once that didn't work I went right into creating the illusion that I was levitating by swinging upside down from the chandelier. Then, after the chandelier ripped from the ceiling, I magically broke my fall with my face. I could tell I was knocking this performance out of the park by the way the parents stood frozen in what must have been complete awe. Now, all I had to do was end with something spectacular. I thought of doing a card trick or juggling some apples, but that wasn't good enough. Then it hit me. I grabbed a butcher knife from the counter, looked back at my still speechless couple, and said, "Which one of you wants to get cut in half?"
As little Jimmy dialed 911 from the living room, I had to flee from the house before I had a chance to perform my final act. I was kind of glad he did because I never understood how to cut someone in half without killing them. A large part of being a successful magician is having the ability to distinguish between what's real, what's an illusion, and what's murder.
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