Before you laugh this off as some kind of joke, ask yourself, "Do I hear strange creaking sounds coming from my spouse's side of the bed at night? Do I sometimes hear their mouth slam shut and try to convince myself it was the wind?" If you've answered yes to any of these questions there's a good chance your spouse is haunted.
Before you despair know that, just as with a house, there are methods to rid the ghosts from your loved one's body. I will go through the steps I would take to do this because I've done it before, and will likely do it again. The first thing I'll need to do is determine what the spirits want. This could be anything ranging from the discovery of how they died to an English muffin. Remember, these are ghosts, they can't go into the kitchen and whip something up whenever they please. This is the reason so many ghosts can be found slamming cupboards and throwing knives around. They're hungry and can't find anything to eat.
Once I've discovered what it is the ghosts want I have to be very careful NOT to give it to them. They differ from house ghosts in this way. With house ghosts, they generally go away after their needs have been satisfied, but with bodily ghosts the more you give in to their desires the more they want. First, it might be a glass of orange juice but before I know it I'm cooking them a full course meal and going to Monster Truck shows.
One other thing I have to do to rid my spouse of their haunting is become fat. They have likely grown accustomed to intimate time and look forward to it. This is why I have to make myself as unattractive as possible. If I'm already gross, perfect, but if not it's time to start. When things start getting hot and heavy I want the spirits to take one look at me and go flinging out of my spouse's body.
Now that I'm eating extra cookies and not bathing I should start to see results in as early as the next date night. And if that doesn't do the trick, I'll try smoking, cocaine, and saying "libary" instead of "library". One of these is bound to work. The goal is to be as annoying and ugly as possible.
If I'm not sure I've done enough I just have to ask myself, "When I look in the mirror, am I repulsed?", "When my spouse looks at me, do they cry?", "When a child looks at me, do they scream, pass out, and/or die?" If I can honestly say yes then I can feel confident that I'm a disgusting pile, and it should feel good.
As soon as sexy time rolls around I get really excited. This is my chance to repulse the living daylights out of those ghosts. Though, my spouse seems a little hesitant to give in to the moment. As they try to get away it only increases my confidence that it's going to work. With a big grin on my face and a corn dog in my hand, I pursue them throughout the house with renewed vigor.
As I hunt I make kissing sounds with my lips. Ghosts hate that. Then I begin with the heavy breathing and grunting as I move my huge body up the stairs. Once I reach the top I stomp around until I find my dear spouse cowering in the corner of our bedroom. Now I have those ghosts exactly where I want them. I polish off my corn dog, lick my sausage fingers, and with a grin say "Hey spirits, let's make an experience." Then I go lumbering forward feeling fairly certain the ghosts will go leaping for the window like my spouse just did.
When all is said and done I can feel confident that I've done my part to persuade the spirits to find a more appealing host. Now I just have to convince my spouse to stop crying. I certainly have done a number on myself. And sure, I may be a disgusting, blubbering drug addict, but I don't see any ghosts anywhere. That's how I know it's working.
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