Ending a Relationship

I hate ending relationships. I can never find the right words, my partner always starts crying, and my new girlfriend will never stop kissing me. It's an unfortunate circumstance that most of us have to deal with at some point.

Before I decide it's time to put myself through such an uncomfortable event, I search deep within to make sure I'm not making a mistake. The first thing I ask myself is, "Can this relationship be saved?" If my girlfriend is staying out all night, flirting with other guys, and getting restraining orders, maybe. But, on the other hand, if she's doing things like getting fat, there's really nothing I can do.

Once I've come to the conclusion that it's time to split, I need to come up with a game plan. The most important aspect of a break-up is to do it gradually. That's why I usually begin the process on the first date. I don't want my significant other getting blind-sided by a break-up they didn't see coming. I want them to feel it looming right from the start.

To achieve this healthy, loomy feel I just become overly forgetful. Was I supposed to call her on Tuesday or Thursday? Was her birthday on the 6th or the 7th? Did she say she wanted me to pick up her brother, or have sex with her sister? These are all seemingly innocent mistakes that will get my partner thinking.

If a relationship is really dragging on I sometimes worry that my girlfriend thinks it's going to last. Sure, I've forgotten everything from her favorite food to her name. But is it enough? I've found that in this situation it's best to throw in some subtle hints that our relationship may be on shaky ground. Maybe I'll start off small by criticizing her taste in fashion. If I describe her clothes with adjectives like "drab", "boring", or "relationship ending" it should get her attention. After that I'll burn all of her shoes to prove I'm serious. Next, I'll step it up a notch by criticizing her taste in pets. I'll tell her I don't understand how anyone can enjoy a stupid fish unless they're having it for dinner. Then, to really drive the point home I'll eat her goldfish. If all else fails and I can't find any other way out, I'll criticize her taste in men and commit suicide. One of these is bound to work.

Needless to say, once it's time to actually end the relationship I can rest assured that we're both ready. Now I don't have to worry about there being a huge scene filled with crying, yelling, and ugly shoes. That's something to feel good about. And, just to be extra sure I don't have to deal with any overly dramatic nonsense, I often perform my break-ups while in a movie theater. This way, if she starts making a fuss, I'll have an entire audience to help me tell her to shut up. It's just a nice safety measure to ensure everything goes smoothly.

Once my relationship has officially ended the only thing left to do is begin ending my next relationship. I just hope this next one can take a hint.